Funniest/wittiest replies to a question

[BigBluey]

Whilst travelling from Manchester to Portsmouth in the 70’s I got off the train at Euston and made my way to the taxi rank.
I was serving in the RN at the time and had my Navy hat on the outside of my suitcase.
A taxi saw me and pulled up. I said Waterloo?
He replied “The station?” I quipped “Well I think I’m a bit too late for the battle”. His face was a picture!

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

I’ve been called many things, many times, but that might be a first for that one!

If anything, I’m answering A question without answering THE question!

;-)

You’re answering the exact same question, but taken to have a totally different meaning than intended. The fact you can do that…the English language is great ‘innit’. Mind you, I’d suggest border control aren’t the sharpest tool in the box if they’re so easily led. I’d have the rubber gloves out had you said the same to me!!

Upon considered reflection…you’re a diversionary kiss ass.

;-)

 

[abu13]

At the Trafford centre a guy came of out the gents toilets and then held his partners hand,
She immedietly replied that he hadnt dried his hands after washing them.
He replied that he hadn't washed them :)

 

[blumanchu]

In an interview before fighting the then Cassius clay sonny Liston was asked 'are you concerned about clay's speed ' Liston replied
"the Titanic was faster than the iceberg"

 

[Magicpole]

sometimes the question is that stupid it requires a smartass answer i had a middle aged woman ask me what time midday was this week.

Depends when you got up love.

 

[I'm With Stupid]

Saw one on Instagram about a 10 year-old unintentionally roasting someone.

"Next time you come back, maybe you'll have a boyfriend."
"Or a girlfriend. I'm bisexual, so I like boys and girls."
"Oh, so you can't get a boyfriend or a girlfriend."

 

[idahoblues]

I wasn’t being smug…rather self deprecating and inwardly happy (and somewhat surprised) with myself for my quick wit. Plus, it was on the border between interior BC and Idaho. They’d probably struggle to spell ‘smug’ in those parts of the world, let along try to act it, so I doubt he did deal with many smug cnuts on a daily basis.

As for you, rather than a smug cnut, I think the colloquial local term for you would be a ‘kiss ass’!!

;-)

In all fairness to the boarder guard, he was probably so taken aback by your rapier wit and superior intellect that he was left speechless.

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

I was in a bank needing to sign a form, so I said the the cashier:-

"Have you got a pen handy?"

He said "My names not Andy"

 

[Dicko69]

On this marvellous forum over a decade ago, there was a daft thread asking what wierd things you would do or have done to you for lots of money ie would you lose a limb for a million.
Someone asked "would you let a tramp cum on your face for £100k?"
To which someone replied "yeah, but I'd want the money up front, I'm not falling for that again"

 

[yatesy94.]

Coach driver who was a United fan took us back from Wembley 2011 semi final when beat them he was understandably grumpy all trip, wouldn't put radio on after politely being asked etc being a general arse a few blues asked if he would drop them off en route. He slammed on breaks said "I'll only drop off if you have a whip round".

Blue at the back shouted "I'll whip you round your f**kin head if you don't drop us off up here pal!"

 

[JASR]

multiple times on holiday/abroad prior to 2011/12:

Them: 'So where you from?' (said in the local accent)
Me: "Uk"
Them: "oh which part?"
Me: "Near Manchester"
Them: "oh so you support United then?"
me: "no, City, I come from Manchester"

multiple times on holiday/abroad after 2011/12:
Them: 'So where you from?' (said in the local accent)
Me: "Uk"
Them: "oh which part?"
Me: "Near Manchester"
Them: "oh so you support City then?"
me: "yes, obviously, I come from Manchester"

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

When I worked on the unloading side of the stores and dispatch area drivers used to ask for my name for their delivery notes. " Can I take your name mate " they would ask and I would always reply " Only if you marry me "

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Can you imagine the smug cunts he has to listen to all day?

To be fair, though, when I get home from a long trip overseas (in uniform, mind you), and get asked “Do you have anything to declare?” I have always answered, “It’s good to be back in America!” It nearly always elicits a “Welcome home!”

So, maybe I’m one of those smug cunts, too!

When you look at the cabinet crew on the overseas flights do you sometimes think you are in a remake of the film Cocoon? :-)

 

[Grassland Blue]

A clearly nervous passenger, about to board her plane, asked me if these planes crash often. I replied "Only once madam". Perhaps not the most helpful or reassuring reply.

A different nervous flyer asked his mate about where best to sit on the plane.
Mate "Well I always sit at the back".

N/F "Oh, why do you always sit there?"

Mate "Well, I've never heard of a plane reversing into a mountain!"

 

[dronefromsector7G]

When I worked on the unloading side of the stores and dispatch area drivers used to ask for my name for their delivery notes. " Can I take your name mate " they would ask and I would always reply " Only if you marry me "

Did any of them accept your proposal?

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Did any of them accept your proposal?

They all did

 

[dronefromsector7G]

They all did

Slag

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Slag

Not really, them drivers spend a lot of time on their own on the road, then they see a good looking lad like me.
No wonder they all want me.

 

[Kinkladze's crazy skills]

Here's one...

 

[Brightwell’s left peg]

In all fairness to the boarder guard, he was probably so taken aback by your rapier wit and superior intellect that he was left speechless.

You’re probably correct. They don’t really do education in that part of the world. Based on the guys vacant expression and personality, he was probably still trying to figure out what the on/off switch for his computer looked like.