Joke of the day

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ColinBellsjockstrap

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Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 
Two Scouse cellmates, both writing letters home, one turns and says.
'Ow d'ya spell Darryl"
The other replies 'Y'don't know anyone called Darryl'


"I know!' replies the first 'I'm writing to me Mam an I'm asking for a pair 'a shoes Darryl fit me!"
 
i wont be getting involved in any fund raising for the famine in east africa at this time,,,
ive got enough on my plate
 
ColinBellsjockstrap said:
Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Click to expand...


In the version I heard the girl drew a picture of an exquisite Louis XVI commode.
 
A woman is taking golf lessons. She had started her 1st round when she was stung by a bee. She went back into the clubhouse for help. Her golf pro asked why she was back so early. She told him of the bee sting. "where did it sting you?" he asked. "between the first and second hole." she said. He nodded and said "then your feet are too far apart"



Irishman, aussie and scouser in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a. drink & Jesus sups each pint slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the irishman, shakes his hand & thanks him for the guinness. "Blimey" sez the irishman, "my arthritis has gone". Jesus then thanks the aussie for the fosters. "Crikey" he sez. "me bad backs cured". Jesus approaches the scouser who runs away screaming

"FUCK OFF, I'M ON DISABILITY"!
 
this scotch fella takes his wife n kids on holiday to Canada,they stay in a lovely log cabin and there is a moose head on the wall in the log cabin they are staying in,the kid asks his dad 'dad whats that on the wall?' to which the dad replied its a moose's head,the kid says 'fucking hell how big are the cats over here?'.
 
unsworthblue said:
this scotch fella takes his wife n kids on holiday to Canada,they stay in a lovely log cabin and there is a moose head on the wall in the log cabin they are staying in,the kid asks his dad 'dad whats that on the wall?' to which the dad replied its a moose's head,the kid says 'fucking hell how big are the cats over here?'.
Click to expand...

Because moose and mouse sound kind of similar. Took me a while.
 
BackofJeanette said:
City fan, Newcastle fan and Rag in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a. drink & Jesus sups each drink slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the city fan, shakes his hand & thanks him for the Boddies. "Blimey" sez the city fan, "my arthritis has gone". Jesus then thanks the Geordie for the Newkie brown. "why eie" he sez. "me bad backs reet good like". Jesus approaches the Rag throws his Watneys Red Barrel over his head and butts the **** in the face

"FUCK OFF,you rag cockney shit"!


Even Jesus hates the twats
Click to expand...

edited for fun
 
talkativesprout said:
BackofJeanette said:
City fan, Newcastle fan and Rag in a bar, they spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a. drink & Jesus sups each drink slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2 the city fan, shakes his hand & thanks him for the Boddies. "Blimey" sez the city fan, "my arthritis has gone". Jesus then thanks the Geordie for the Newkie brown. "why eie" he sez. "me bad backs reet good like". Jesus approaches the Rag throws his Watneys Red Barrel over his head and butts the **** in the face

"FUCK OFF,you rag cockney shit"!


Even Jesus hates the twats
Click to expand...

HeHe!

Like it!

edited for fun
Click to expand...
 
I was watching a magician the other day, when he called me up on stage to help him perform his next trick.
The magician asked me for my watch and told me to place it in his right hand. He then told me to open my hands and hold a jam doughnut.

With a click of his fingers, my watch disappeared from his hands. He then asked 'what do you reckon is now inside the middle of that doughnut?'
The audience gasped in shock, no way could the watch be inside the doughnut. I turned round and said to the magician 'no way is my watch in the middle of that doughnut'

The magician replied 'Of course not you daft twat, it's jam in the middle'

;)
 
Niall2407 said:
I was watching a magician the other day, when he called me up on stage to help him perform his next trick.
The magician asked me for my watch and told me to place it in his right hand. He then told me to open my hands and hold a jam doughnut.

With a click of his fingers, my watch disappeared from his hands. He then asked 'what do you reckon is now inside the middle of that doughnut?'
The audience gasped in shock, no way could the watch be inside the doughnut. I turned round and said to the magician 'no way is my watch in the middle of that doughnut'

The magician replied 'Of course not you daft twat, it's jam in the middle'

;)
Click to expand...
So where was the watch?
 
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