Joke thread
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Lavinda Past
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Tuearts right boot
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Nowhere near as funny as the Pole vaulter
Lavinda Past
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A Polish comedian called Vaulter? I'd like to hear some of his material.
Lavinda Past
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A woman asks the pharmacist,
"My boyfriend has a bad case of dandruff, what do you recommend to get rid of it?"
He says "give him Head and Shoulders" she says "really? How do I give Shoulders?"
"My boyfriend has a bad case of dandruff, what do you recommend to get rid of it?"
He says "give him Head and Shoulders" she says "really? How do I give Shoulders?"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a £100 gift from her parents.
Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below.
Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £100 in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.
The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her, so she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes.
"What's this?" she asked.
"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."
Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below.
Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £100 in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.
The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her, so she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes.
"What's this?" she asked.
"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The owner of a large company was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from University and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to B&Q and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated tap and the price is £500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then replied, "No, but I will for the tap'.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated tap and the price is £500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then replied, "No, but I will for the tap'.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
David, a young Jewish lad, kept getting kicked out of public and private schools for bad behaviour, truancy, and an abundance of missing assignments. His parents were at their wits end. There was only one remaining school left that David had not been kicked out of. So; reluctantly, David’s father dragged his son to St. Paul’s Catholic school for boys.
After his first day, his parents held their collective breath and waited at their front door as the school bus let David off. The young boy flew past his parents and up to his room where he studied until 10 pm. The next day as the bus dropped David off, he once again ran full speed up to his room and studied until late into the night. So it went, day after day, the same routine for the first three months. When it finally came to report card time, David scored straight A’s. His mother and father had tears of joy in their eyes. Finally, the father could stand it no more and needed an explanation for his son’s drastic change in behavior.
“So, David, tell us what happened. What is so different about St. Paul’s?
"Dad, it's not like the other schools. The first day I walked into the school office and saw that young man hanging on a cross, I knew they fucking meant business."
After his first day, his parents held their collective breath and waited at their front door as the school bus let David off. The young boy flew past his parents and up to his room where he studied until 10 pm. The next day as the bus dropped David off, he once again ran full speed up to his room and studied until late into the night. So it went, day after day, the same routine for the first three months. When it finally came to report card time, David scored straight A’s. His mother and father had tears of joy in their eyes. Finally, the father could stand it no more and needed an explanation for his son’s drastic change in behavior.
“So, David, tell us what happened. What is so different about St. Paul’s?
"Dad, it's not like the other schools. The first day I walked into the school office and saw that young man hanging on a cross, I knew they fucking meant business."