Joke thread

andy h said:
After six kids, Mary feels a little loose "down there" and decides to treat herself to some cosmetic surgery to tidy up. When she comes to from the anaesthetic after the procedure, she finds two bouquets of flowers in her room. The nurse tells her that the first is "from your loving husband, who's looking forward to you coming home." Mary asks about the second bouquet. "That's from Gerald in the burns unit," the nurse says. "He's thrilled with his new ears."
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Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa thats one of the best I`ve in years (or should that be `ears).
Love it andy.
 
Psychedelic Casual said:
I’ve just read through the replies and it’s not a joke, which makes it actually funny!
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Painful reading. I genuinely like Taylor Swift's recent albums- everything after she stopped letting the record label turn everything she did into shitty synth pop is very good. But even her best stuff, lyrically speaking, doesn't hold a candle to anything you'd find on any Dylan, Arctic Monkeys, Counting Crows, Weakerthans, Joni Mitchell, Springsteen or Frightened Rabbit record (or countless others). And all but one of those guys are still very much living last time I checked.
 
"Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman.

"I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone."

"No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!"

"May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly.

"I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week."

"Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago."

I turned to her and snapped "will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch...."

”Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper.

"No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking."

One of my favourite Barry Cryer originals
 
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