Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Uwe Already
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it’d be justwater…
Otherwise it’d be justwater…
kippaxneil
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- 10 May 2007
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I recently entered a competition to design a poster for the Erectile Dysfunction awareness campaign.
I am pleased to announce that I've made it to the semis.
I am pleased to announce that I've made it to the semis.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I had to end my relationship with conjoined twins.
"Look," I said apologetically, "It's not you, it's you."
"Look," I said apologetically, "It's not you, it's you."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A fireman looked out of the fire station window and noticed a little boy playing on the pavement.
He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon and a garden hose coiled up in it.
He was wearing a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied to his dog so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire engine he had. As he did,
he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.
The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company, but I think if you tied that rope around the dog's neck you’d go faster."
“Maybe,” said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon and a garden hose coiled up in it.
He was wearing a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied to his dog so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire engine he had. As he did,
he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.
The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company, but I think if you tied that rope around the dog's neck you’d go faster."
“Maybe,” said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate asked if i could name any famous Syrians.
I said "well there's Botham. ..McKellen... Duncan-Smith..."
I said "well there's Botham. ..McKellen... Duncan-Smith..."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A bloke knocked on my door today and said "I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house mate."
I said, "You've got the wrong house mate."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Two lads went on a roller coaster at Alton Towers.
One said "If this ride goes upside down, will we fall out?"
His mate says "don't be daft, we've been mates for years!"
One said "If this ride goes upside down, will we fall out?"
His mate says "don't be daft, we've been mates for years!"
Tuearts right boot
Well-Known Member
Made my day .....
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The 30 top Cardinals of the Catholic Church in Rome are having their yearly convention.
This time it’s being held at an ancient Monastery , high in the Mountains nearby Rome.
After about a week of studying, conferences and generally enjoying each others companionship, it’s time to head back home to Rome. They load into the bus and head off down the mountain.
Unfortunately the brakes fail on a sharp bend and the bus goes over the side, down 1000 feet into a ravine. So there they were, all 30 Cardinals standing before the Pearly Gates.
Through the gates walks Saint Peter. “So your the Cardinals then” he says. “ Alright, I know what you were like on earth, I want each Cardinal that was a fornicator on earth to take a step forward so we can send you to purgatory.”
29 Cardinals step forward.
“You as well you deaf bastard” says Saint Peter in a loud voice.
This time it’s being held at an ancient Monastery , high in the Mountains nearby Rome.
After about a week of studying, conferences and generally enjoying each others companionship, it’s time to head back home to Rome. They load into the bus and head off down the mountain.
Unfortunately the brakes fail on a sharp bend and the bus goes over the side, down 1000 feet into a ravine. So there they were, all 30 Cardinals standing before the Pearly Gates.
Through the gates walks Saint Peter. “So your the Cardinals then” he says. “ Alright, I know what you were like on earth, I want each Cardinal that was a fornicator on earth to take a step forward so we can send you to purgatory.”
29 Cardinals step forward.
“You as well you deaf bastard” says Saint Peter in a loud voice.
Vienna_70
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- Treble Winners 2022/23.
That happened to me, on more than one occasion.
A skinny top banking executive convicted of fraud was locked up and met his cell mate for the first time. The guy was an easy 250 pounds, covered in tattoos and looked like he shaved with a blow torch. The guy said " Relax - I'm a white collar criminal too."
The banker squeaked "Oh really?"
The guy responded "Yeah I raped and murdered a vicar."
The banker squeaked "Oh really?"
The guy responded "Yeah I raped and murdered a vicar."
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Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far!”
Me: I know. This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!
Me: I know. This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I went to watch the national 'Hold Your Breath Underwater' competition.
The last two competitors were so evenly matched it went to sudden death.
The last two competitors were so evenly matched it went to sudden death.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A tourist couple travelling through Ireland stop at a pub to ask for directions. They approach the bar and turn to the barman:
Excuse me, what’s the best way to get to Dublin?
Are you traveling by bus, by train, or by car?
By car.
Good. That’s the best way to get there.
Excuse me, what’s the best way to get to Dublin?
Are you traveling by bus, by train, or by car?
By car.
Good. That’s the best way to get there.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A bloke walks into a tailor’s shop…
“Who are you?” Asks the tailor.
“Don’t you recognize me? It’s Bill!”
“Wow you lost so much weight!”
“Yeah that’s what I’m here for,” says Bill and hands the tailor a very large suit.
But the tailor doesn’t say anything. Just holds the huge suit.
“Hmm? Are you ok? ?”
“Yeah” the tailor still staring at the suit. “It’s just a lot to take in”
“Who are you?” Asks the tailor.
“Don’t you recognize me? It’s Bill!”
“Wow you lost so much weight!”
“Yeah that’s what I’m here for,” says Bill and hands the tailor a very large suit.
But the tailor doesn’t say anything. Just holds the huge suit.
“Hmm? Are you ok? ?”
“Yeah” the tailor still staring at the suit. “It’s just a lot to take in”