Dave Ewing's Back 'eader
Well-Known Member
The funniest number in German is 555.
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. The length and width were almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said... "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
"Okay then," said Bob, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. The length and width were almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said... "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
Fiftyyearsandcounting
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 25 Oct 2009
- Messages
- 2,096
An acupuncturist stopped me smoking. He made pin holes all over my fags.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1. Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave in a pile.
2. Walk start bollock naked to bathroom. If you meet partner en route shake willy at her and shout "woo-woo"
3. Check manly physique in mirror. Admire willy size and scratch bum. Get in shower.
4. Wash face and armpits. Blow nose in hands and rinse with water. Drop monster fart and laugh loudly at the sound. .
5. Spend time washing privates. Wash bum leaving any coarse bum hairs embedded on the soap.
6. Wash hair (if any). Make shampoo mohawk. Urinate, rinse and exit shower.
7. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water pooling on floor as shower curtain hanging out of bath. Check willy size again (concern as it has shrunk).
8. Return to bedroom with towel round waist. If you pass partner, whip off towel, shake willy at her and make "woo-woo" sound again.
9. Throw wet towel on bed.
1. Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave in a pile.
2. Walk start bollock naked to bathroom. If you meet partner en route shake willy at her and shout "woo-woo"
3. Check manly physique in mirror. Admire willy size and scratch bum. Get in shower.
4. Wash face and armpits. Blow nose in hands and rinse with water. Drop monster fart and laugh loudly at the sound. .
5. Spend time washing privates. Wash bum leaving any coarse bum hairs embedded on the soap.
6. Wash hair (if any). Make shampoo mohawk. Urinate, rinse and exit shower.
7. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water pooling on floor as shower curtain hanging out of bath. Check willy size again (concern as it has shrunk).
8. Return to bedroom with towel round waist. If you pass partner, whip off towel, shake willy at her and make "woo-woo" sound again.
9. Throw wet towel on bed.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I was very disappointed with the folkloric figure I purchased from my local German-owned supermarket, a complete Humpty Dumpty set.
It wasn’t until I got home and opened the box I found that a second purchase was required to obtain Aldi King’s Horses and Aldi King’s Men.
It wasn’t until I got home and opened the box I found that a second purchase was required to obtain Aldi King’s Horses and Aldi King’s Men.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
After I left school, I got a job as a mannequin in Burton's on Market Street.
I held that position for quite long time.
I held that position for quite long time.
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
Guy walks into the pub with his dog on a lead.
“That’s a fkn strange looking dog”, said the landlord. “He’s got stumpy legs, he’s pink and he doesn’t have a tail. I bet my Rottweiler would wipe the floor with him in a scrap”.
So they bet £50, take the dogs out in the yard and within minutes the Rottweiler is howling for mercy.
Back in the pub, another drinker brags that his Pit Bull would have won. The bet is raised to £100 and they take the dogs out back. When it’s all over, the Pit Bull is cowering and whimpering behind his owner, who pays up and asks, “So what breed is he then?”
The owner replies “Well, until I cut his tail off and painted him pink, he was the same breed as every other alligator”.
“That’s a fkn strange looking dog”, said the landlord. “He’s got stumpy legs, he’s pink and he doesn’t have a tail. I bet my Rottweiler would wipe the floor with him in a scrap”.
So they bet £50, take the dogs out in the yard and within minutes the Rottweiler is howling for mercy.
Back in the pub, another drinker brags that his Pit Bull would have won. The bet is raised to £100 and they take the dogs out back. When it’s all over, the Pit Bull is cowering and whimpering behind his owner, who pays up and asks, “So what breed is he then?”
The owner replies “Well, until I cut his tail off and painted him pink, he was the same breed as every other alligator”.
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
What do Henry the Eighth and Kermit the Frog have in common?
They have the same middle name.
They have the same middle name.