Joke thread

[chris63]

A
string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[hammocity]

We just had Ian Mellor's lads at our OSC meeting, who died from the very same thing. Bought his book for my next holiday reading.

I'd never heard of it until my mate was diagnosed, a very complicated illness, there's plenty of research going on. Didn't know Ian Mellor had died from that, just seen he was 74, very sad.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I'm waiting for a response from a major toy company about a new invention, a toy that spins very quickly around on a central axis for a period of time before tipping over.

They've got their top people looking at it.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just been in hospital having my embarrassing third nipple removed.

I'm glad to get that off my chest

 

[Big Swifty]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check."

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."

I told this joke a few pages back, only more concisely/

Still, each to his own.....

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate went to a local factory to try and get a job.

The woman on the desk said she had three openings.

My mate said "I know that, but have you got any jobs?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

When I was a child my parents used to make me bathe in cheap Australian lager....

I've just realised that I was fostered

 

[Lavinda Past]

My thigh bones keep making insulting comments about God.

They're blasfemurs.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I just found out that the bloke who invented Horlicks is a malty millionaire.