Joke thread

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his mobile and calls the emergency services.
He gasps "my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "calm down I can help. First make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, then a gun shot can be heard.
Back on the phone, the guy asks "okay what now?"
 
Pat and Mick were walking home from the pub steaming drunk .

Pat: You know Mick, you're my best pal, I'd do anything for you .

Mick: Would ya really Pat ?

Pat: Of course I would; I'm not bullshitting, I mean if I had 2 gold watches I'd give you one .

Mick: Would ya Pat ?

Pat: That I would, and if I had two cars I'd give one of them .

Mick: Would ya really Pat ?

Pat: Of course I would, and if I had two flat screen TVs I'd give you one, no problem!

Mick: Would ya really Pat ?

Pat: You know I would!

Mick: And what if you had 2 bikes?

Pat: Fuck off! you know I have 2 bikes!
 
jimharri said:
Denzel and LeeRoy were walking home from the pub steaming drunk .

Denzel: You know LeeRoy,you're my best pal, I'd do anything for you .

LeeRoy: Would ya really Denzel?

Denzel: Of course I would; I'm not bullshitting, I mean if I had 2 gold watches I'd give you one .

LeeRoy: Would ya Denzel?

Denzel: That I would, and if I had two cars I'd give one of them .

LeeRoy: Would ya really Denzel?

Denzel: Of course I would, and if I had two flat screen TVs I'd give you one, no problem!

LeeRoy: Would ya really Denzel?

Denzel: You know I would!

LeeRoy: And what if you had 2 bikes?

Denzel: Fuck off! you know I have 2 bikes!
Click to expand...


Nope... still not funny.

jimharri said:
Maurie and Saul were walking home from the pub steaming drunk .

Maurie: You know Saul,you're my best pal, I'd do anything for you .

Saul: Would ya really, Maurie?

Maurie: Of course I would; I'm not bullshitting, I mean if I had 2 gold watches I'd give you one .

Saul: Would ya Maurie?

Maurie: That I would, and if I had two cars I'd give one of them .

Saul: Would ya really Maurie?

Maurie: Of course I would, and if I had two flat screen TVs I'd give you one, no problem!

Saul: Would ya really Maurie?

Maurie: You know I would!

Saul: And what if you had 2 bikes?

Maurie: Fuck off! you know I have 2 bikes!
Click to expand...

No. That don't work either


jimharri said:
Ginger and Blondie were walking home from the pub steaming drunk .

Ginger: You know Blondie, you're my best pal, I'd do anything for you .

Blondie: Would ya really, Ginger?

Ginger: Of course I would; I'm not bullshitting, I mean if I had 2 gold watches I'd give you one .

Blondie: Would ya Ginger?

Ginger: That I would, and if I had two cars I'd give one of them .

Blondie: Would ya really Ginger?

Ginger: Of course I would, and if I had two flat screen TVs I'd give you one, no problem!

Blondie: Would ya really Ginger?

Ginger: You know I would!

Blondie: And what if you had 2 bikes?

Ginger: Fuck off! you know I have 2 bikes!
Click to expand...

Now, that's hilarious!
 
StrangewaysHereWeCome said:
SteWadda said:
Protect your kids from Fireworks by storing them in a biscuit tin ,
Err I dont have a tin big enough
Click to expand...
****!!!

A vegetable drawer and a firework walk into a kid.


the biscuit tin had bangers and mash for tea
Click to expand...


saw them 2 jokes and made my own up

" protect your kids from fireworks by storing them in a biscuit tin .

wouldn't it be safer to store them in the vegetable drawer , they will never look in there "

....... think mine works better than your two ......... I hope nobody uses mine as I'll be rather upset .................. i may even have a rant.
 
I saw a message saying protect your vegetable drawers from kids by putting them in a biscuit tin.

My wife was too busy lighting fireworks and didn't see the message.
 
I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.
 
johnmc said:
I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.
Click to expand...
In the what?
 
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in both equestrian and boxing events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."
 
jimharri said:
johnmc said:
I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.
Click to expand...
In the what?
Click to expand...

I think a vegetable draw is like a meat raffle. For vegetarians, obviously.
 
Zubrman said:
jimharri said:
johnmc said:
I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.
Click to expand...
In the what?
Click to expand...

I think a vegetable draw is like a meat raffle. For vegetarians, obviously.
Click to expand...
First we get Brian Moore, now our Leslie comes back.
 
Kakhaber Tskhadadze K.O.T.A. said:
StrangewaysHereWeCome said:
SteWadda said:
Protect your kids from Fireworks by storing them in a biscuit tin ,
Err I dont have a tin big enough
Click to expand...
****!!!

A vegetable drawer and a firework walk into a kid.


the biscuit tin had bangers and mash for tea
Click to expand...


saw them 2 jokes and made my own up

" protect your kids from fireworks by storing them in a biscuit tin .

wouldn't it be safer to store them in the vegetable drawer , they will never look in there "

....... think mine works better than your two ......... I hope nobody uses mine as I'll be rather upset .................. i may even have a rant.
Click to expand...

Wj4lK.gif
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top