joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. jimharri

    jimharri

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    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

    The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

    The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
     
  2. Chev Chelios

    Chev Chelios

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    Are you here all week?
     
  3. jimharri

    jimharri

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    You'd better believe it fella. I'm available for weddings, birthdays, funerals, christenings, Bar Mitzvahs, village fetes, the lot. Reasonable rates. 1% off for fellow blues. 10% on for rags, Dippers and L***s fans. 20% on for S****s/M*******y fans.
     
    Last edited: 6 Jul 2019
  4. I was on the train earlier when I accidentally walked in on a girl using the bathroom. I quickly apologised and closed the door. "Can you get the fuck out?" she said.
     
  5. blue44

    blue44

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    I asked my mrs the other day if Im the only 1 she's ever shagged

    She said " yes,the others were all at least 7 or 8's "
     
  6. jimharri

    jimharri

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    There's nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeeeead, in your heeeeeead, in your head, in your head, in your hea, hea, hea, head....
     
    Wafty Cranker likes this.
  7. I asked the missus for our password when trying to log in to our online banking.
    “It’s Ariel Cinderella Mickey Mouse Superman jack Sparrow Elsa Eeyore Madrid”.
    “Why did you choose that?” I asked.
    “The man said it had to have at least seven characters and include a capital”
     
  8. CrazyBlues

    CrazyBlues

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    The wife checked her husband's Hand Phone and found these names:
    *The Tender one.*
    *The Amazing one.*
    *Lady of My Dreams.*
    She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother.
    Then she called the second number on which his Sister replied.
    When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!
    She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband.
    So she gave him her whole month's salary to make up for it.

    Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as :
    *Ah Seng Kedai motor.*
    *PASS IT ALONG :*
    Caution :
    *ONLY TO MALE FRIENDS, PLEASE.*
     
  9. blue44

    blue44

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    what did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire

    " same time next month " !
     
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  10. blue44

    blue44

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    not a joke but its still funny-poignant

    " the difference between stupidy and genius,is that genius has its limits "

    einstein
     

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