joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. Uwe Already

    Uwe Already

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    To err is human to arr is pirate...
    Thought I’d heard it before, only not as funny - must be the way he tells them...
     
  2. BlueMoonRisin'

    BlueMoonRisin'

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    I opened the door today to a scouse meter reader. He said - "Eh la, can I come in and read your meter boss"?
    I said "come in, put your arms above your head and keep clapping till I tell ya to stop"
    "Why do you want me to do that la"?
    "So you don't fuckin' rob me ya scouse tw@t"!
     
  3. sir baconface

    sir baconface

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    Not in my lifetime.
    Earlier today I thought I’d spotted my first British superhero in Liverpool. He was wearing a cape and running down the street.

    Turned out he hadn’t paid for his haircut.
     
  4. Uwe Already

    Uwe Already

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    To err is human to arr is pirate...
    My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I knew them as gran and grand - papa, papa papa, pa pa pa

    (You need to be of a certain age)
     
  5. Fred_Quimby

    Fred_Quimby

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    A Brian Clough.

    Brian Clough came home late one night. As he got into bed his wife, Barbara, said ‘God, your feet are cold’ to which he replied ‘It’s OK love, when we are in bed you can call me Brian’.
     
  6. Fred_Quimby

    Fred_Quimby

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    From Private Eye:-

    “The reality really couldn’t be further from the truth”
    Naomi Smith
    LBC

    “Play has stopped for rain and the battens have been hatched”
    JIM MAXWELL
    Radio 4

    “Lucy Bronze says she’s ecstatic and super-humbled after becoming the first English player, male or female, to be named Uefa Women’s Player of the Year”
    JACQUI OATLEY
    Radio 4

    “He’ll be licking his tongue there”
    MARK CHAPMAN
    Radio 5 Live

    “Make sure that you get back up one more time than you have been knocked down”
    MICHAEL HOLDING
    Sky Sports
     
  7. aguero93:20

    aguero93:20

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    She might be spot on with that one tbf.
     
  8. mancity2012_eamo

    mancity2012_eamo

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    I defrosted the fridge last night. Or foreplay as the wife calls it.
     
  9. Fred_Quimby

    Fred_Quimby

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    Sorry mate. This should be on here :)

     
  10. BlueMoonRisin'

    BlueMoonRisin'

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    A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before on why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

    The old man replied - "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."!
     

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