joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. Sam Armstrong

    Sam Armstrong

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    A mate called me earlier and said, "I've just had a massive fight with the missus. Do you happen to have a spare bed for a few weeks until I can find a flat?"
    I replied, "I've got a sofa, if that's any use?" "Perfect," he said, "you're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in the morning!!"
     
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  2. peoffrey

    peoffrey

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    So this is where @BimboBob gets all his Facebook statuses from!
     
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  3. Ancient Citizen

    Ancient Citizen

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    The wife has been mithering me about all the flies in the living room.

    So I've just put a bucket of shit in the kitchen.
     

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  4. DazWA9

    DazWA9

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    The Black Bra (as told by a woman):

    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

    We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

    Here's how it all went.

    My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
    " What's for dinner, Zorro?"
     
  5. Zuriblue

    Zuriblue

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  6. Sam Armstrong

    Sam Armstrong

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    If you get that call from a track and tracer telling you to quarantine for 14 days, remember to name these people as those you have been in close contact with ....

    Klopp, Alisson, Robertson, Trent Alexander, Wijnaldum, Van Dijk, Lovren, Milner, Henderson, Salah, Mane, Firmino, Origi, Oxlade Chamberlain, Gomez, Keita, Lallana, Adrian, Shaqiri, Fabinho.
     
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  7. Barcon

    Barcon

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    You got that off an ice lolly stick in 1975 didn't you?
     
  8. KS55

    KS55

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    Which soul singer pisses all over the opposition?
    Urethra Franklin.
     
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  9. slick

    slick

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  10. mindmyp's_n_q's

    mindmyp's_n_q's

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    What's the difference between a bullet and a US Police officer?



    When a bullet kills someone, you can guarantee its been fired.
     

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