joke thread....

LWashington

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24 Mar 2015
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8,589
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Just on the border of your waking mind.
I went to visit my mate who was ill in bed and he asked me to go downstairs and fetch his slippers. I went downstairs and his two daughters were getting ready to go out to a nightclub.
I said "Your dad's sent me downstairs to fuck you both"
They said "We don't believe you".
I said "I'll prove it" and shouted upstairs "You did mean both of them didn't you?"
My mate shouted back, "Of course I meant both of them, fucking one's no good".
 

stanblue

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6 Dec 2016
Messages
9
A woman has a baby born in hospital and the midwife said I’m very sorry but your baby has no body it’s just a head. He will only live a few hours,18 years later it’s his birthday and his mum said what do you want for your birthday and he said anything but another feckin hat.
 

stanblue

Member
Joined
6 Dec 2016
Messages
9
A woman has a baby born in hospital and the midwife said I’m very sorry but your baby has no body it’s just a head and he has no ears but I’m pleased to say his eyesight is perfect so he won’t need glasses.
 

bluethrunthru

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19 May 2012
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30,273
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Stockpiling
Guy drives into the golf club carpark in a brand new roller well chuffed. See's a bloke getting his clubs out of the boot of a Metro Van Den Plas and drives over and winds the window down....

"I say - what do you think of my Rolls Royce then "
" Very nice"
" Its got a burr walnut dashboard y'know"
" aye - my Metro has some wood looking plastic on the dash and door tops too"
" well my rolls has a great Bose stereo"
" my Metro has a Motorola radio cassette - do the Rollers seats fold flat to make a bed like the do in my Metro"

The RR driver goes purple and speeds off straight to the dealers to demand the alter the seats so the can make a double bed. When its done he drives to the golf club car park and over in the corner he sees the VDP with its windows all steamed up rocking slightly so roars over to it and hammers on the window -

" I say I say - look here you mucky bugger"
The Metro window is cracked open about half an inch and the Metro drives bare shoulder are visible as he asks
" what do you want? "
" I say look - my Rollers seats now fold flat to make a double bed"
The Metro driver says - " you got me out of the shower to fucking tell me that ...???"
 

bluethrunthru

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19 May 2012
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30,273
Location
Stockpiling
Lad goes round to his girlfriends house - door is answered by her sister who says she is not home but invites him in to wait for her return. She says she is going upstairs to have a shower and change and about 5 minutes later asks him upstairs. He goes up and finds the sister in nothing but a towel. She asks would he like to have sex with her. He is in a dilemma - he fancies the sister but what should he do? In the end he thinks sod it and says " wait there" and legs it downstairs and opens the front door. As he does there is the G/F and all the family - they cheer and applaud as they explain - it was a test - a test of his resolve and now they know he wouldn't ever cheat on her.

The moral of the story? Always keep a box of condoms in your car glovebox...........
 

Fiftyyearsandcounting

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Joined
25 Oct 2009
Messages
591
After his car breaks down, a salesman seeks refuge at a remote Scottish farm house. He's offered the barn to sleep in.
The farmer has an attractive daughter, he tells her "Morag, where's your highland hospitality? take our guest a hot drink".
Then he tells her "Morag, show some highland hospitality and take our guest some food".
Next he demands she takes him a nightcap - to show some highland hospitality.
She's a long time in the barn so the farmer goes to investigate; he seems them rolling around on the barn floor.
Red faced with shame and rage he shouts at his daughter. "Morag, where's your highland hospitality, arch your back and get the man's balls of the cold floor".
 

Blueskying

Member
Joined
16 Apr 2019
Messages
6
Team supported
Manchester City
A woman has a baby born in hospital and the midwife said I’m very sorry but your baby has no body it’s just a head. He will only live a few hours,18 years later it’s his birthday and his mum said what do you want for your birthday and he said anything but another feckin hat.
Then he competes in a swim meet. Starter’s pistol goes off, and Head goes plunging into the pool and sinks to the bottom. After a while, they get worried and fish him out. ‘Head, what happened, why didn’t you swim?” Head says, “I got a bloody cramp.”

Head comes of age and rolls into a bar. ‘Gimme a beer“, he snarls, “ I want it in a dirty mug.” Bartender sets a beer in front of Head. ‘Stick a straw in it.” “Now stick the other end in my mouth.” Head sucks Away till he finishes the beer. “Now, are there any darts in this place?” They show him the dartboard. “put a dart in my mouth, feathers first”. So they do. “Now throw the fucking dartboard at me.”
 

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