joke thread....

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by citymantop, 28 Jan 2014.

  1. Squelch


    2 Jan 2009
    I said to my wife the other day, "You haven't got a bra on, have you?".
    "How can you tell? Is it because my nipples are sticking out?", she asked.
    "No, all the wrinkles in your face have disappeared".
  2. jimharri


    30 Dec 2007
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    Went to the sperm clinic earlier.
    The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

    I said 'I'm good but I'm not ready for competition yet'
  3. jimharri


    30 Dec 2007
    Surrounded by the dark side of the force
    What's Whitney Houston's favourite bodily coordination?

  4. dickie davies

    dickie davies

    25 Sep 2010
    oh please do fuck off
    A masked armed robber is holding up a bank, when a very brave customer jumps up and moves the robber's mask and shouts "I've seen your face"
    The robber shoots the customer dead and screams "did anyone else see my face?"

    A man lying on the floor replies "that **** with the united shirt on caught a glance"
  5. Squelch


    2 Jan 2009
    Have you noticed how many racing drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
    Stirling Moss.
    Lewis Hamilton.
    Eddie Irvine.
    Ayr Town centre.
  6. sir baconface

    sir baconface

    20 May 2012
    Not in my lifetime.
    I got back from the match today to find the wife had left a note on the refrigerator. It said:

    "IT'S NOT WORKING. I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother."

    I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

    What the fcuk is she talking about?
  7. oldhamblue


    26 Aug 2007
    My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're obsessed with football. I've met someone else." I said "what team does he support?"
  8. My wife asked for her lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.
  9. My girlfriend is doing an experiment. She's wearing a Man United shirt for a week to get peoples reactions,she's been kicked, punched and spat on so far! Fuck knows what's going to happen when she actually leaves the house!
  10. pfazz


    28 Jan 2006
    The edge of paradise.
    Sidney Australia morning radio....................................

    DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?'
    Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
    DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
    Contestant: 'Brian.'
    DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
    Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
    DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
    Brian: 'Sara.'
    DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
    Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
    DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?'
    Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
    DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
    Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
    DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
    DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?'
    Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
    DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
    Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
    DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..?
    Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
    DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?'
    Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
    DJ: 'Uh huh...'
    Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
    DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
    Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
    DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
    You listen to this.'
    [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
    DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
    (Touch tones.....ringing....)
    Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
    DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
    Clerk: 'This is she.'
    DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
    Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
    DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
    Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
    Sarah: 'No.'
    DJ: 'Good!'
    Brian: (laughing)
    Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
    Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'
    DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
    Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
    DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
    Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
    DJ: 'What time?'
    Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
    DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
    Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
    DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
    Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
    DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
    Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
    Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
    DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?'
    Sarah: 'Well...'
    DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..?
    Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

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