Joke thread

[Sir peace frog]

back in the day, if a slave was naughty whist building the pyramids the Egyptians would stake the person out ,get a huge gong and roll it over the naughty slaves chest,whilst doing that the crowd would sing

weeeeeeeee aaaaaare rolling a gong on the chest of a slave.

 

[dickie davies]

A M*******y fan gets washed up on a desert island. For months his only company was a dog and a pig. Being isolated, every now and again he would get the "urge" and attempt to fuck the pig, but every time he tried, the dog would bite him on the ankle.

Anyway, one day he couldn't believe his luck as a beautiful blonde woman got stranded on the island too. She had almost drowned trying to get ashore, but he swam out to rescue her and gave her the kiss of life. "Oh you saved my life" she says. "As a token of my appreciation, I will do ANYTHING you want me to do".

"Great" says your man, "can you bring that fucking dog for a walk"

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for five years
He's sat on the beach one day staring at the sea when a human figure appears. The person emerges from the sea and starts to walk up the beach toward him
He can immediately make out that this is a woman as the wet suit is hugging her perfectly formed cruves
She stands in front of him and removes her breathing apparatus and face mask. She shakes her head and long blonde hair falls to her shoulders. She smiles and looks at him through her crystal clear blue eyes

He says "I've been marooned on this island for five years"
"So it's five years since you last had a cigarette?"
He nods, she unzips her wet suit to the middle of her chest where can see the outline of a perfectly formed pair of breasts. She reaches inside the suit and pulls out a packet of cigarettes and matches and hands them to him. He lights up and slowly inhales
She says " so it must be five years since you last tasted alcohol!"
He nods. She unzips her wet suit to her naval and as her breasts become looser they move to reveal part of her nipples. She reaches inside her wet suit and produces a small bottle of whisky. She hands this to him and he takes a sip
The blonde beauty then says "So it must be five years since you last played around!!"
"Fucking hell. You got a set of golf clubs in there"

 

[Fred_Quimby]

I just met a drag queen from Greater Manchester. He had a Wigan address.

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

How do you make a gay fuck a woman?

Shit in her cnut.

Jimmy Carr's australian mate wants his joke back.

 

[Blueprint Blue]

Jimmy Carr's australian mate wants his joke back.

It is a goodun though isn't it?

 

[Winchester]

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for five years
He's sat on the beach one day staring at the sea when a human figure appears. The person emerges from the sea and starts to walk up the beach toward him
He can immediately make out that this is a woman as the wet suit is hugging her perfectly formed cruves
She stands in front of him and removes her breathing apparatus and face mask. She shakes her head and long blonde hair falls to her shoulders. She smiles and looks at him through her crystal clear blue eyes

He says "I've been marooned on this island for five years"
"So it's five years since you last had a cigarette?"
He nods, she unzips her wet suit to the middle of her chest where can see the outline of a perfectly formed pair of breasts. She reaches inside the suit and pulls out a packet of cigarettes and matches and hands them to him. He lights up and slowly inhales
She says " so it must be five years since you last tasted alcohol!"
He nods. She unzips her wet suit to her naval and as her breasts become looser they move to reveal part of her nipples. She reaches inside her wet suit and produces a small bottle of whisky. She hands this to him and he takes a sip
The blonde beauty then says "So it must be five years since you last played around!!"
"Fucking hell. You got a set of golf clubs in there"

From Ronnie Corbett??

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

I was watching an Australian cookery show and the audience clapped when the chef made pavlova.

I was surprised, as Aussies normally boo meringue.

 

[Gorton_Tubster]

Why are cars crap at football.... Because they only have one boot. wtf classic!

 

[dronefromsector7G]

This big lass came up to me last night and said, "You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight, but we used to go out years ago." "Wow! Seeing you reminds me of The Matrix," I said. "Because I'm the one?" she cooed. "Nah," I replied. "I dodged a fucking bullet!

 

[DazWA9]

My attractive next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line..
I nearly shit her pants!