Joke thread

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

Reminded me of this one.
On the first day of nursery the teacher is meeting with the parents and children.
The teacher says to one girl, "What's your name?"
"Penny" replies the girl.
"Your mum named you Penny because she's obsessed with money". says the teacher.
Then she sees two twins and asks "What's your names?"
"I'm Olive and this is my sister Peaches", says one of the twins.
"You mum gave you those names because she's addicted to food", says the teacher.
The teacher then looks at a little boy but before she can ask his name his mum says
"Come on Dick we're leaving".

This is just the joke to push last weekend's trip to Haringay a ittle further down the line!!

 

[Mid Wales blue]

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had... He started counting but he fell asleep!

I told you to never mention it ever!

 

[meltonblue]

 

[AlexWilliamsGloves]

Dave and Steve are in a pub in Manchester, having a half pint each and skint. A bloke walks in with a lovely ten kilo salmon, he hands it to the landlord who gives him £20, Steve asks "where did you get that from? The fella said there's a steam that runs by the pub and his mate dangles him over a bridge by his legs until he sees a fish, he grabs the prey and his mate drags him back by his legs, easy money.

Steve and Dave go outside, find a bridge and Steve dangles Dave over the side. Two hours later, they're still there Steve's arms are killing him, he's knackered and ready to give up, all of a sudden Dave shouts "Steve, pull me up quick" Steve says, "thank fuck have you caught a fish? Dave replies "no, there's a fucking train coming straight at me".

:-|

 

[Magicpole]

I went to Glasgow to see @Magicpole at his cake shop. I asked him “is that a custard or a meringue?” He said “no you’re not wrong, it’s a custard!”

You left your midget porn mag on the counter. PM your address and I will send it on.

 

[Uwe Already]

You left your midget porn mag on the counter. PM your address and I will send it on.

I believe old magic went out with my sister once, and as a silver tongued cavalier got her to slip her hand up his skirt kilt - she screamed “oh! It’s gruesome!” To which he replied: “Do it again, it’ll grow some more”

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Discussing the Covid crisis, the teacher ask her class of 10-year olds, if anyone could could explain what the word "contagious" meant.
Little Johnny put his hand up, yes miss, my dad said his neighbour was cutting his lawn with a pair of grass shears. "Just look at him he said, it will take that **** ages".

 

[SWPISHOME]

 

[r.soleofsalford]

3 Irishmen in a bar.

Paddy says "My locals better than this, in my local you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd drink free"

Mick says "Well in my local you buy 1 drink and you get the 2nd free"

Murphy says "That`s nothing in my local you buy the 1st drink then the 2ND, 3RD, 4TH, 5TH, 6TH, 7TH are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag"

Wow says the other two, "has that actually happened to you?"

No says Murphy "but it happened to my sister.

 

[LongsightM13]

What’s red, white and blue and floats in the Irish Sea?
Englishmen who tell Irish jokes in the pubs of Dublin