Joke thread

The Fourth grade school teacher asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then work for the CIA and establish contacts so as to become a billionaire smuggling guns and drugs, going to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

.
 
My car broke down while I was driving. Engine just cut out, not good in Lane 3 on the M62. Got over to the Hard Shoulder, tried to restart it but no luck.

My background's in electrics, I don't know that much about motor mechanics but I lifted the bonnet, more in hope than in confidence. I was surprised to see a bat nestled up on the engine.

I was even more surprised when it spoke to me. It looked at me and said "My word that's a nice haircut you have and that coat looks so good on you, I'd imagine you have to fiight the ladies off, being such a handsome fellow."

Even with my limited knowledge of cars I knew the reason it broke down was due to bat flattery.
 
Zuriblue said:
My car broke down while I was driving. Engine just cut out, not good in Lane 3 on the M62. Got over to the Hard Shoulder, tried to restart it but no luck.

My background's in electrics, I don't know that much about motor mechanics but I lifted the bonnet, more in hope than in confidence. I was surprised to see a bat nestled up on the engine.

I was even more surprised when it spoke to me. It looked at me and said "My word that's a nice haircut you have and that coat looks so good on you, I'd imagine you have to fiight the ladies off, being such a handsome fellow."

Even with my limited knowledge of cars I knew the reason it broke down was due to bat flattery.
Click to expand...
FFS don’t sell the bat to a Chinese market.
 
nimrod said:
Got so drunk last night when I got home I had a fight with the mop , obviously I won
I wiped the floor with it.
Click to expand...
A young constable was sent to a domestic, after 10 minutes he radios his sergeant and says.
“Sarge I'm at the domestic and the wife has cut her husband’s head off with a carving knife because he’d walked on the kitchen floor after she’d just mopped it.
Sergeant say, “ OK OK calm down, calm down. Have you arrested her?
” No I fucking haven’t the floors still wet.”
 
Zuriblue said:
My car broke down while I was driving. Engine just cut out, not good in Lane 3 on the M62. Got over to the Hard Shoulder, tried to restart it but no luck.

My background's in electrics, I don't know that much about motor mechanics but I lifted the bonnet, more in hope than in confidence. I was surprised to see a bat nestled up on the engine.

I was even more surprised when it spoke to me. It looked at me and said "My word that's a nice haircut you have and that coat looks so good on you, I'd imagine you have to fiight the ladies off, being such a handsome fellow."

Even with my limited knowledge of cars I knew the reason it broke down was due to bat flattery.
Click to expand...
My wife rang me last night to tell me her car had broken down. I asked her if she had any idea what the problem was and, to my surprise, she said "Water's got into the carburettors." I asked her how she had worked this out, and she replied "I've driven into the canal".
 
Adebayor's Skidmarks said:
Standing in the supermarket the other day, I noticed an attractive woman looking at me, I thought I recognised her but couldn't for the life of me remember where I'd seen her before.

Finally she came over and said "excuse me aren't you the father of one of my children"?

My face went white and panicking I muttered "sorry have we ever met"?

She replied, yes I'm your son's English teacher.
Click to expand...
I heard that differently.

Standing in the supermarket the other day, I noticed an attractive woman looking at me, I thought I recognised her but couldn't for the life of me remember where I'd seen her before.

Finally she came over and said "excuse me aren't you the father of one of my children"?

I said, OMG are you that stripper who I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your partner whipped my arse with a celery stick ?

She said, no, I'm your sons teacher.
 
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