Most on here have probably been bombarded with the same e-mail many times over from their red ‘mates’. The one about a phone call between Kaka and City. I've seen it so many times that i felt obliged to reply. Funny thing, I've not heard a word from any reds since I sent them the following more likely alternative.
With United desperate to protect their longstanding monopoly on paying over the odds for the best football talent, Alex Ferguson phones the Brazilian Ace Kaka:
......Hello is that Kaka?
......It is, good....right then laddie, I’ll pick you up at the airport.
......What?...Oh yes I bloody will !
......I think you’ll find people do exactly what I tell them to.. just ask any Premiership referee.
......I’m Sir Alex Ferguson, the best Manager of the best club in the World.
......Sour? no I’m a Sir !
......Of course we can afford you.. my uncle Malcolm hikes ticket prices every year.
......Yes the ground’s always full, we direct-debit the fans…yes, even if they don’t want to come to the game !
......So? a few of them ran off to Hyde......they’ll soon be back...because their FC is not famous anymore...Most already came back at the end of last season. Anyway, it doesn’t matter cos there’s plenty more suckers we can take the mickey out of.....ManU are massive, we have 750 million fans and Old Trafford will always be full of glory hunters…...Oh yes it will !
......No, I don’t know much about what happened in English football before the 1990s.
......We are the best in the World…SSN says so, every hour of every day.
......No, that wasn’t a training session you saw in the Manchester Evening News, that was our world famous Fans group the Red Army-MIB, when they were in Stoke.
......What? no, not a former player called Stokes, Stoke the place….anyway if my son wasn’t his agent how do you expect me to know about a footballer called Bobby Stokes? .
......I don’t think so, there’s no way anyone scored the winning goal for a Second Division club in an FA cup final against massive ManU…...have you been at my whiskey?
......What? what’s that about United fans?.....well they are the most passionate and proud in football; they were obviously teaching those Stoke wheely bins about respect.
......What? I don’t know, I didn’t see it……. but I can tell you the wheely bins were definitely the ones to blame....... they were obviously goading our fans.
......I DO know the meaning of the word RESPECT……….. it’s what the English FA and Premier League have to show me and Gilly when we choose the fixtures.
......Kaka, Kaka, are you still there?
......Yes, yes, good........ let’s talk about winning trophies, after all who supports a team that doesn’t win trophies?
......Please don’t mention Man City again.
......What do you mean “Impeccable†?……….are you talking about Ronaldo’s sense of balance?...Forget him, I want you as his replacement.
......Because he wants to go and play for a better club, one that contributes plenty to their local community…….No, not Real Manchester, Real Madrid !
......Forget Man City!……i’m telling you United are massive, the most mega store massive in the World.
......What?....5 times?....no that’s Liverpool.
......No no no ! ....United are the best club in the World with the best players.
.....Torres? …. er, no he doesn’t....
.....Gerrard? …er no he doesn’t...
.....er, yes that’s Liverpool…again !...
.....33 miles from Manchester.
......Ok ok !.. but they are Scousers and nobody likes Scousers, well except for Rooney because he’s the white Pele and would die for ManU.
......What ?!....no it’s YOU who’s being STUPID ! .....do you really think City will ever win anything ?
......Oh no they won’t ! they won’t, they won’t, they can’t !
......Yes money does buy success……ok you’re right, yes I should know that more than anyone.
......Of course United have still got loads of money, I’m still siphoning plenty err I mean spending it on the very best players, just like Berbatov….oh, er..
......No No No ! that can’t be true……..£800 million in debt……never !
......What ?? City can’t have £15 Billion !!! ...they’ll be the ones able to buy the best players now...arrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!
......Ok ok ok….I’ll stop shouting and will talk slowly and….yes ok in English…but only if you stop going on about City, they’re a little club and they don’t matter !
......Yes I know United fans are always making things up about City, but United fans don’t matter either. Errrr….no, I mean yes, er….of course, er….. I didn’t mean to say….Listen, you’d better not tell anyone I said that or Red Issue will “mob upâ€, they’ll be circulating song sheets and will behave just like Scousers….. they’ll be doing my house, happy slapping my wheely bins, lying in the drive with their hoodies on and doing that wumming they always brag about.
......Er…I’m not sure what wumming is… I think it’s what wee Lads do when they haven’t got a girlfriend.
......Anyway KK listen, there’s an official ManU script I have to use, so.......I think you’ll find what I really said just now was: United fans are the coolest of the cool; everybody is jealous of ManU Fans and everyonewants to be just like them.
......Hey, hey, what are you laughing at ?....I said why are you laughing ??
......What?..aye, ok you’re right… I’m talking bollocks, but that’s what most Reds do !
......Humour, no that’s City fans….No No No!…I Sir Alex Ferguson, I am NOT a City fan! .......So what if I just made you laugh !
......United are nothing like City.......United and their Fans take THEMSELVES very seriously…….ALL the time !
......Ok, ok….it’s true…nobody likes United or their fans much, but that’s only because so many of them are arrogant loud mouths who don’t really know much about football and have tantrums when they don’t get their own way.
......What ?!....what do you mean that’s just like me ?
......Hello, hello,………are you still there ?……….please Mr Kaka, please… please don’t go....to City.
With United desperate to protect their longstanding monopoly on paying over the odds for the best football talent, Alex Ferguson phones the Brazilian Ace Kaka:
......Hello is that Kaka?
......It is, good....right then laddie, I’ll pick you up at the airport.
......What?...Oh yes I bloody will !
......I think you’ll find people do exactly what I tell them to.. just ask any Premiership referee.
......I’m Sir Alex Ferguson, the best Manager of the best club in the World.
......Sour? no I’m a Sir !
......Of course we can afford you.. my uncle Malcolm hikes ticket prices every year.
......Yes the ground’s always full, we direct-debit the fans…yes, even if they don’t want to come to the game !
......So? a few of them ran off to Hyde......they’ll soon be back...because their FC is not famous anymore...Most already came back at the end of last season. Anyway, it doesn’t matter cos there’s plenty more suckers we can take the mickey out of.....ManU are massive, we have 750 million fans and Old Trafford will always be full of glory hunters…...Oh yes it will !
......No, I don’t know much about what happened in English football before the 1990s.
......We are the best in the World…SSN says so, every hour of every day.
......No, that wasn’t a training session you saw in the Manchester Evening News, that was our world famous Fans group the Red Army-MIB, when they were in Stoke.
......What? no, not a former player called Stokes, Stoke the place….anyway if my son wasn’t his agent how do you expect me to know about a footballer called Bobby Stokes? .
......I don’t think so, there’s no way anyone scored the winning goal for a Second Division club in an FA cup final against massive ManU…...have you been at my whiskey?
......What? what’s that about United fans?.....well they are the most passionate and proud in football; they were obviously teaching those Stoke wheely bins about respect.
......What? I don’t know, I didn’t see it……. but I can tell you the wheely bins were definitely the ones to blame....... they were obviously goading our fans.
......I DO know the meaning of the word RESPECT……….. it’s what the English FA and Premier League have to show me and Gilly when we choose the fixtures.
......Kaka, Kaka, are you still there?
......Yes, yes, good........ let’s talk about winning trophies, after all who supports a team that doesn’t win trophies?
......Please don’t mention Man City again.
......What do you mean “Impeccable†?……….are you talking about Ronaldo’s sense of balance?...Forget him, I want you as his replacement.
......Because he wants to go and play for a better club, one that contributes plenty to their local community…….No, not Real Manchester, Real Madrid !
......Forget Man City!……i’m telling you United are massive, the most mega store massive in the World.
......What?....5 times?....no that’s Liverpool.
......No no no ! ....United are the best club in the World with the best players.
.....Torres? …. er, no he doesn’t....
.....Gerrard? …er no he doesn’t...
.....er, yes that’s Liverpool…again !...
.....33 miles from Manchester.
......Ok ok !.. but they are Scousers and nobody likes Scousers, well except for Rooney because he’s the white Pele and would die for ManU.
......What ?!....no it’s YOU who’s being STUPID ! .....do you really think City will ever win anything ?
......Oh no they won’t ! they won’t, they won’t, they can’t !
......Yes money does buy success……ok you’re right, yes I should know that more than anyone.
......Of course United have still got loads of money, I’m still siphoning plenty err I mean spending it on the very best players, just like Berbatov….oh, er..
......No No No ! that can’t be true……..£800 million in debt……never !
......What ?? City can’t have £15 Billion !!! ...they’ll be the ones able to buy the best players now...arrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!
......Ok ok ok….I’ll stop shouting and will talk slowly and….yes ok in English…but only if you stop going on about City, they’re a little club and they don’t matter !
......Yes I know United fans are always making things up about City, but United fans don’t matter either. Errrr….no, I mean yes, er….of course, er….. I didn’t mean to say….Listen, you’d better not tell anyone I said that or Red Issue will “mob upâ€, they’ll be circulating song sheets and will behave just like Scousers….. they’ll be doing my house, happy slapping my wheely bins, lying in the drive with their hoodies on and doing that wumming they always brag about.
......Er…I’m not sure what wumming is… I think it’s what wee Lads do when they haven’t got a girlfriend.
......Anyway KK listen, there’s an official ManU script I have to use, so.......I think you’ll find what I really said just now was: United fans are the coolest of the cool; everybody is jealous of ManU Fans and everyonewants to be just like them.
......Hey, hey, what are you laughing at ?....I said why are you laughing ??
......What?..aye, ok you’re right… I’m talking bollocks, but that’s what most Reds do !
......Humour, no that’s City fans….No No No!…I Sir Alex Ferguson, I am NOT a City fan! .......So what if I just made you laugh !
......United are nothing like City.......United and their Fans take THEMSELVES very seriously…….ALL the time !
......Ok, ok….it’s true…nobody likes United or their fans much, but that’s only because so many of them are arrogant loud mouths who don’t really know much about football and have tantrums when they don’t get their own way.
......What ?!....what do you mean that’s just like me ?
......Hello, hello,………are you still there ?……….please Mr Kaka, please… please don’t go....to City.