The bluemoon health and ailments thread

My tinnitus is more and more annoying now. I put it down to years and years of rock gigs where I'd stand at the front. I used to DJ too and never went anywhere without headphones.

I don't notice it with the radio on but I was in bed this morning after waking up and there was light ringing in both ears.
 
I am 38 and hadn't been to see the doctor in over 20 years until two weeks ago on Sunday night.

I was in bed and at about midnight and i got up as i really needed to pee but when i tried, i physically couldn't. Nothing but a couple of drips would come out. Every 10 minutes or so my body decided it would try to pee but nothing would come out and it was absolute agony. Never felt anything like it. My bellend felt like it was throbbing, it felt like it should have been swollen up like one of those baboons with the red arse but it just looked normal. I was howling in pain for a maybe 3-4 minutes out of every 10.

After calling 111 and speaking to a paramedic, they told the Mrs to take me direct to A&E. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. So, she grabbed a towel and some of her "heavy flow" pads, stuck a pad into my boxers and put the towel on the seat of the car before driving me to hospital.

I get to A&E and the nice lady on the desk asks for all my details DOB, address, name, next of kin, contact number, all whilst i am doubled over and holding my cock begging to know where the toilet is.

They find me a bed, and a two nurses start to look at the problem area. They tell me they are going to catheterise me, and i am like fine, no problems, just please make the pain stop. They start to clean the area and lube up my cock, at which point my brain goes errr, dude, two nurses are playing with your todger, don't get a lob on or it could be really embarrassing. Almost immediately, the other side of my brain swiftly tells me that the odds of even getting a semi, even with two attractive nurses fondling my junk is absolutely zero, because this is possibly the least sexual experience i have ever head. This internal monologue happens in less than a minute, and i almost laugh out loud about how absurd this whole experience is.

At one point i hear junior nurse asked the other nurse if she could insert the catheter, i didn't say anything, as i am sure she is competent i just closed my eyes and thought of England and let her go for it. For some reason, she couldn't get it all the way in. So after a couple of goes, the nurse tried, no luck there either. After explaining the issue, they called in a senior nurse to have a go and after she fails, they finally call a Doctor.

All of them tried multiple times to insert a catheter. For anyone who doesn't know this is a tube that goes in your japs eye and up to your bladder. None of them could get it past a certain point where apparently it got blocked. They tried different sizes and types, but nothing would work.

This saga of different grades of medical folk coming in, loading my cock up with a lubricant numbing gel and then treating it like a 16th century muzzle loaded musket went on for about 6 hours. Throughout this time my body also kept trying to pee but nothing came out. It was agony and i was screaming the place down so much that after each bout of pain and screaming i felt the need to apologise for the noise i was making.

They were going to move me up to a ward where i would be more comfortable and so they had to do a COVID swab of mouth and nose. Before doing the nose swab, the same (lovely Irish) nurse who had been jamming rods down my cock all night said, without a hint of irony, that the swab could be quite uncomfortable.

At about 6am, before they sent me up to a ward, a Eurologist comes down and finally manages fit a catheter, and the relief i felt at that moment was indescribable as piss started filling a bag on the end of the tube.

Doctors tested for a UTI but nothing came back, they also checked my prostate with the old finger in the bumhole (if anyone is worried about getting this test, don't be, it is far more pleasant than having a tube repeatedly rammed up your piss pipe). The best bit about the prostate exam, the Eurologist asked me to lie on my side with my trousers down and my knees up by my chest, apologising to me saying that it is not a very dignified pose.

Dignified!! Half an hour previously i was stood next to my A&E bed, trousers around my ankles unsuccessfully trying to piss in a cardboard tube whilst crying in pain and asking the junior nurse for a cardboard bowl in case i also needed to shit myself. I safely assured her that what little dignity i had left was not going to be damaged by her seeing my bare arse.

Once they had drained a litre of piss out, they send me home with a catheter in and a fresh bag to fill. On the Monday night a bit of blood started dripping from my penis / catheter and i felt like i needed to pee again, on route to the toilet the catheter came out of its own accord and i have been able to pee relatively normally ever since.

Not a fun night, but hopefully a funny story for you, although they still have no idea what caused the retention. So a little scary that it might happen again.
 
Southbanken said:
I am 38 and hadn't been to see the doctor in over 20 years until two weeks ago on Sunday night.

I was in bed and at about midnight and i got up as i really needed to pee but when i tried, i physically couldn't. Nothing but a couple of drips would come out. Every 10 minutes or so my body decided it would try to pee but nothing would come out and it was absolute agony. Never felt anything like it. My bellend felt like it was throbbing, it felt like it should have been swollen up like one of those baboons with the red arse but it just looked normal. I was howling in pain for a maybe 3-4 minutes out of every 10.

After calling 111 and speaking to a paramedic, they told the Mrs to take me direct to A&E. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. So, she grabbed a towel and some of her "heavy flow" pads, stuck a pad into my boxers and put the towel on the seat of the car before driving me to hospital.

I get to A&E and the nice lady on the desk asks for all my details DOB, address, name, next of kin, contact number, all whilst i am doubled over and holding my cock begging to know where the toilet is.

They find me a bed, and a two nurses start to look at the problem area. They tell me they are going to catheterise me, and i am like fine, no problems, just please make the pain stop. They start to clean the area and lube up my cock, at which point my brain goes errr, dude, two nurses are playing with your todger, don't get a lob on or it could be really embarrassing. Almost immediately, the other side of my brain swiftly tells me that the odds of even getting a semi, even with two attractive nurses fondling my junk is absolutely zero, because this is possibly the least sexual experience i have ever head. This internal monologue happens in less than a minute, and i almost laugh out loud about how absurd this whole experience is.

At one point i hear junior nurse asked the other nurse if she could insert the catheter, i didn't say anything, as i am sure she is competent i just closed my eyes and thought of England and let her go for it. For some reason, she couldn't get it all the way in. So after a couple of goes, the nurse tried, no luck there either. After explaining the issue, they called in a senior nurse to have a go and after she fails, they finally call a Doctor.

All of them tried multiple times to insert a catheter. For anyone who doesn't know this is a tube that goes in your japs eye and up to your bladder. None of them could get it past a certain point where apparently it got blocked. They tried different sizes and types, but nothing would work.

This saga of different grades of medical folk coming in, loading my cock up with a lubricant numbing gel and then treating it like a 16th century muzzle loaded musket went on for about 6 hours. Throughout this time my body also kept trying to pee but nothing came out. It was agony and i was screaming the place down so much that after each bout of pain and screaming i felt the need to apologise for the noise i was making.

They were going to move me up to a ward where i would be more comfortable and so they had to do a COVID swab of mouth and nose. Before doing the nose swab, the same (lovely Irish) nurse who had been jamming rods down my cock all night said, without a hint of irony, that the swab could be quite uncomfortable.

At about 6am, before they sent me up to a ward, a Eurologist comes down and finally manages fit a catheter, and the relief i felt at that moment was indescribable as piss started filling a bag on the end of the tube.

Doctors tested for a UTI but nothing came back, they also checked my prostate with the old finger in the bumhole (if anyone is worried about getting this test, don't be, it is far more pleasant than having a tube repeatedly rammed up your piss pipe). The best bit about the prostate exam, the Eurologist asked me to lie on my side with my trousers down and my knees up by my chest, apologising to me saying that it is not a very dignified pose.

Dignified!! Half an hour previously i was stood next to my A&E bed, trousers around my ankles unsuccessfully trying to piss in a cardboard tube whilst crying in pain and asking the junior nurse for a cardboard bowl in case i also needed to shit myself. I safely assured her that what little dignity i had left was not going to be damaged by her seeing my bare arse.

Once they had drained a litre of piss out, they send me home with a catheter in and a fresh bag to fill. On the Monday night a bit of blood started dripping from my penis / catheter and i felt like i needed to pee again, on route to the toilet the catheter came out of its own accord and i have been able to pee relatively normally ever since.

Not a fun night, but hopefully a funny story for you, although they still have no idea what caused the retention. So a little scary that it might happen again.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you may have had a hedgehog stuck in your cock.
 
Southbanken said:
I am 38 and hadn't been to see the doctor in over 20 years until two weeks ago on Sunday night.

I was in bed and at about midnight and i got up as i really needed to pee but when i tried, i physically couldn't. Nothing but a couple of drips would come out. Every 10 minutes or so my body decided it would try to pee but nothing would come out and it was absolute agony. Never felt anything like it. My bellend felt like it was throbbing, it felt like it should have been swollen up like one of those baboons with the red arse but it just looked normal. I was howling in pain for a maybe 3-4 minutes out of every 10.

After calling 111 and speaking to a paramedic, they told the Mrs to take me direct to A&E. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. So, she grabbed a towel and some of her "heavy flow" pads, stuck a pad into my boxers and put the towel on the seat of the car before driving me to hospital.

I get to A&E and the nice lady on the desk asks for all my details DOB, address, name, next of kin, contact number, all whilst i am doubled over and holding my cock begging to know where the toilet is.

They find me a bed, and a two nurses start to look at the problem area. They tell me they are going to catheterise me, and i am like fine, no problems, just please make the pain stop. They start to clean the area and lube up my cock, at which point my brain goes errr, dude, two nurses are playing with your todger, don't get a lob on or it could be really embarrassing. Almost immediately, the other side of my brain swiftly tells me that the odds of even getting a semi, even with two attractive nurses fondling my junk is absolutely zero, because this is possibly the least sexual experience i have ever head. This internal monologue happens in less than a minute, and i almost laugh out loud about how absurd this whole experience is.

At one point i hear junior nurse asked the other nurse if she could insert the catheter, i didn't say anything, as i am sure she is competent i just closed my eyes and thought of England and let her go for it. For some reason, she couldn't get it all the way in. So after a couple of goes, the nurse tried, no luck there either. After explaining the issue, they called in a senior nurse to have a go and after she fails, they finally call a Doctor.

All of them tried multiple times to insert a catheter. For anyone who doesn't know this is a tube that goes in your japs eye and up to your bladder. None of them could get it past a certain point where apparently it got blocked. They tried different sizes and types, but nothing would work.

This saga of different grades of medical folk coming in, loading my cock up with a lubricant numbing gel and then treating it like a 16th century muzzle loaded musket went on for about 6 hours. Throughout this time my body also kept trying to pee but nothing came out. It was agony and i was screaming the place down so much that after each bout of pain and screaming i felt the need to apologise for the noise i was making.

They were going to move me up to a ward where i would be more comfortable and so they had to do a COVID swab of mouth and nose. Before doing the nose swab, the same (lovely Irish) nurse who had been jamming rods down my cock all night said, without a hint of irony, that the swab could be quite uncomfortable.

At about 6am, before they sent me up to a ward, a Eurologist comes down and finally manages fit a catheter, and the relief i felt at that moment was indescribable as piss started filling a bag on the end of the tube.

Doctors tested for a UTI but nothing came back, they also checked my prostate with the old finger in the bumhole (if anyone is worried about getting this test, don't be, it is far more pleasant than having a tube repeatedly rammed up your piss pipe). The best bit about the prostate exam, the Eurologist asked me to lie on my side with my trousers down and my knees up by my chest, apologising to me saying that it is not a very dignified pose.

Dignified!! Half an hour previously i was stood next to my A&E bed, trousers around my ankles unsuccessfully trying to piss in a cardboard tube whilst crying in pain and asking the junior nurse for a cardboard bowl in case i also needed to shit myself. I safely assured her that what little dignity i had left was not going to be damaged by her seeing my bare arse.

Once they had drained a litre of piss out, they send me home with a catheter in and a fresh bag to fill. On the Monday night a bit of blood started dripping from my penis / catheter and i felt like i needed to pee again, on route to the toilet the catheter came out of its own accord and i have been able to pee relatively normally ever since.

Not a fun night, but hopefully a funny story for you, although they still have no idea what caused the retention. So a little scary that it might happen again.
Click to expand...
Sorry for your aggony, but that '16th century muzzle loaded musket' quote had me in stitches. Hope this never happens to you again. Had a few pissing issues over the years, kiddney stone at 30, pissing goo at 19, pissing every 5 minutes for a week at 35 but they all sorted them selves out and never came back.
 
Last edited:
Southbanken said:
I am 38 and hadn't been to see the doctor in over 20 years until two weeks ago on Sunday night.

I was in bed and at about midnight and i got up as i really needed to pee but when i tried, i physically couldn't. Nothing but a couple of drips would come out. Every 10 minutes or so my body decided it would try to pee but nothing would come out and it was absolute agony. Never felt anything like it. My bellend felt like it was throbbing, it felt like it should have been swollen up like one of those baboons with the red arse but it just looked normal. I was howling in pain for a maybe 3-4 minutes out of every 10.

After calling 111 and speaking to a paramedic, they told the Mrs to take me direct to A&E. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. So, she grabbed a towel and some of her "heavy flow" pads, stuck a pad into my boxers and put the towel on the seat of the car before driving me to hospital.

I get to A&E and the nice lady on the desk asks for all my details DOB, address, name, next of kin, contact number, all whilst i am doubled over and holding my cock begging to know where the toilet is.

They find me a bed, and a two nurses start to look at the problem area. They tell me they are going to catheterise me, and i am like fine, no problems, just please make the pain stop. They start to clean the area and lube up my cock, at which point my brain goes errr, dude, two nurses are playing with your todger, don't get a lob on or it could be really embarrassing. Almost immediately, the other side of my brain swiftly tells me that the odds of even getting a semi, even with two attractive nurses fondling my junk is absolutely zero, because this is possibly the least sexual experience i have ever head. This internal monologue happens in less than a minute, and i almost laugh out loud about how absurd this whole experience is.

At one point i hear junior nurse asked the other nurse if she could insert the catheter, i didn't say anything, as i am sure she is competent i just closed my eyes and thought of England and let her go for it. For some reason, she couldn't get it all the way in. So after a couple of goes, the nurse tried, no luck there either. After explaining the issue, they called in a senior nurse to have a go and after she fails, they finally call a Doctor.

All of them tried multiple times to insert a catheter. For anyone who doesn't know this is a tube that goes in your japs eye and up to your bladder. None of them could get it past a certain point where apparently it got blocked. They tried different sizes and types, but nothing would work.

This saga of different grades of medical folk coming in, loading my cock up with a lubricant numbing gel and then treating it like a 16th century muzzle loaded musket went on for about 6 hours. Throughout this time my body also kept trying to pee but nothing came out. It was agony and i was screaming the place down so much that after each bout of pain and screaming i felt the need to apologise for the noise i was making.

They were going to move me up to a ward where i would be more comfortable and so they had to do a COVID swab of mouth and nose. Before doing the nose swab, the same (lovely Irish) nurse who had been jamming rods down my cock all night said, without a hint of irony, that the swab could be quite uncomfortable.

At about 6am, before they sent me up to a ward, a Eurologist comes down and finally manages fit a catheter, and the relief i felt at that moment was indescribable as piss started filling a bag on the end of the tube.

Doctors tested for a UTI but nothing came back, they also checked my prostate with the old finger in the bumhole (if anyone is worried about getting this test, don't be, it is far more pleasant than having a tube repeatedly rammed up your piss pipe). The best bit about the prostate exam, the Eurologist asked me to lie on my side with my trousers down and my knees up by my chest, apologising to me saying that it is not a very dignified pose.

Dignified!! Half an hour previously i was stood next to my A&E bed, trousers around my ankles unsuccessfully trying to piss in a cardboard tube whilst crying in pain and asking the junior nurse for a cardboard bowl in case i also needed to shit myself. I safely assured her that what little dignity i had left was not going to be damaged by her seeing my bare arse.

Once they had drained a litre of piss out, they send me home with a catheter in and a fresh bag to fill. On the Monday night a bit of blood started dripping from my penis / catheter and i felt like i needed to pee again, on route to the toilet the catheter came out of its own accord and i have been able to pee relatively normally ever since.

Not a fun night, but hopefully a funny story for you, although they still have no idea what caused the retention. So a little scary that it might happen again.
Click to expand...
Sounds awful mate. By the way, is a Eurologist a European doctor?
 
Southbanken said:
I am 38 and hadn't been to see the doctor in over 20 years until two weeks ago on Sunday night.

I was in bed and at about midnight and i got up as i really needed to pee but when i tried, i physically couldn't. Nothing but a couple of drips would come out. Every 10 minutes or so my body decided it would try to pee but nothing would come out and it was absolute agony. Never felt anything like it. My bellend felt like it was throbbing, it felt like it should have been swollen up like one of those baboons with the red arse but it just looked normal. I was howling in pain for a maybe 3-4 minutes out of every 10.

After calling 111 and speaking to a paramedic, they told the Mrs to take me direct to A&E. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. So, she grabbed a towel and some of her "heavy flow" pads, stuck a pad into my boxers and put the towel on the seat of the car before driving me to hospital.

I get to A&E and the nice lady on the desk asks for all my details DOB, address, name, next of kin, contact number, all whilst i am doubled over and holding my cock begging to know where the toilet is.

They find me a bed, and a two nurses start to look at the problem area. They tell me they are going to catheterise me, and i am like fine, no problems, just please make the pain stop. They start to clean the area and lube up my cock, at which point my brain goes errr, dude, two nurses are playing with your todger, don't get a lob on or it could be really embarrassing. Almost immediately, the other side of my brain swiftly tells me that the odds of even getting a semi, even with two attractive nurses fondling my junk is absolutely zero, because this is possibly the least sexual experience i have ever head. This internal monologue happens in less than a minute, and i almost laugh out loud about how absurd this whole experience is.

At one point i hear junior nurse asked the other nurse if she could insert the catheter, i didn't say anything, as i am sure she is competent i just closed my eyes and thought of England and let her go for it. For some reason, she couldn't get it all the way in. So after a couple of goes, the nurse tried, no luck there either. After explaining the issue, they called in a senior nurse to have a go and after she fails, they finally call a Doctor.

All of them tried multiple times to insert a catheter. For anyone who doesn't know this is a tube that goes in your japs eye and up to your bladder. None of them could get it past a certain point where apparently it got blocked. They tried different sizes and types, but nothing would work.

This saga of different grades of medical folk coming in, loading my cock up with a lubricant numbing gel and then treating it like a 16th century muzzle loaded musket went on for about 6 hours. Throughout this time my body also kept trying to pee but nothing came out. It was agony and i was screaming the place down so much that after each bout of pain and screaming i felt the need to apologise for the noise i was making.

They were going to move me up to a ward where i would be more comfortable and so they had to do a COVID swab of mouth and nose. Before doing the nose swab, the same (lovely Irish) nurse who had been jamming rods down my cock all night said, without a hint of irony, that the swab could be quite uncomfortable.

At about 6am, before they sent me up to a ward, a Eurologist comes down and finally manages fit a catheter, and the relief i felt at that moment was indescribable as piss started filling a bag on the end of the tube.

Doctors tested for a UTI but nothing came back, they also checked my prostate with the old finger in the bumhole (if anyone is worried about getting this test, don't be, it is far more pleasant than having a tube repeatedly rammed up your piss pipe). The best bit about the prostate exam, the Eurologist asked me to lie on my side with my trousers down and my knees up by my chest, apologising to me saying that it is not a very dignified pose.

Dignified!! Half an hour previously i was stood next to my A&E bed, trousers around my ankles unsuccessfully trying to piss in a cardboard tube whilst crying in pain and asking the junior nurse for a cardboard bowl in case i also needed to shit myself. I safely assured her that what little dignity i had left was not going to be damaged by her seeing my bare arse.

Once they had drained a litre of piss out, they send me home with a catheter in and a fresh bag to fill. On the Monday night a bit of blood started dripping from my penis / catheter and i felt like i needed to pee again, on route to the toilet the catheter came out of its own accord and i have been able to pee relatively normally ever since.

Not a fun night, but hopefully a funny story for you, although they still have no idea what caused the retention. So a little scary that it might happen again.
Click to expand...

So. What the fuck was actually wrong?
 
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