Top Tip: if your missus asks is this dress nice,don’t say

I’ve given up now with shit like this, she doesn’t even ask me because I just end up in an argument, if you can’t be truthful about it then what’s the point.
 
It doesn’t fit you.

Holy fuck, I am now in the broken down hut adjacent to the dog house.

She said to me the other week, I’ve put on a bit of weight and some of my clothes don’t fit. Usual every year after a winter.

Asks me, I repeat back what she said and now I’m accused of calling her fat.

She is going through the menopause early and this as it turned out, wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

Before I go to the hut, I’m sitting in the garden listening to Mark Radcliffe on 6, with a big glass of wine.

I think I will sneak in later for something to eat. Too dangerous right now. She’s from Fife. Enough said.

What a day.

So if your Mrs asks something similar, lie like fuck, that’s all I’m saying.


Spent two+ hours in the garden yesterday, looks mint this morning. (Not even the offer of a drink from the house). Also cleaned both cars. I said her's was filthy as it's parked under trees. When I came in she went ballistic at me telling me off for saying her car is filthy. I'd just spent an hour getting tree sap off the roof. Not spoken to me since. She can do her own fucking car in future, trouble is she won't.

Women.
 
Wife looking at herself naked in the mirror:

I’ve got a double chin
Bingo wings
Tits are sagging
Belly’s sticking out
Arse is too big
Thighs have cellulite

Says to silent husband

You could give me some encouragement

Husband

Your eyesight is fucking spot on
 
Spent two+ hours in the garden yesterday, looks mint this morning. (Not even the offer of a drink from the house). Also cleaned both cars. I said her's was filthy as it's parked under trees. When I came in she went ballistic at me telling me off for saying her car is filthy. I'd just spent an hour getting tree sap off the roof. Not spoken to me since. She can do her own fucking car in future, trouble is she won't.

Women.

If you hadn’t cleaned it you would have been all the cunts. Simply cannot win at times.
 
Spent two+ hours in the garden yesterday, looks mint this morning. (Not even the offer of a drink from the house). Also cleaned both cars. I said her's was filthy as it's parked under trees. When I came in she went ballistic at me telling me off for saying her car is filthy. I'd just spent an hour getting tree sap off the roof. Not spoken to me since. She can do her own fucking car in future, trouble is she won't.

Women.

Have you thought about having a nice patio?
 
Unknown territory. I've heard of East Fife. Is there a West Fife, or a North and South Fife? We had a holiday in Anstruther last year. I think that might be in some form of Fife.
I love Anstruther having spent a few nights there. I stay in the Waterfront. Best digs in town and they probably serve the best Scottish breakfast I've ever had. Not shit quality Scottish breakfasts covered in sump oil that MP and his Mrs eat. It's no wonder she has an arse that resembles a pillow full of marshmallows; )
 
Was looking in a jewellers window somewhere on the Florida Keys years ago and overheard a woman asking her husband about a rather expensive ring.
" what do you think of this " she says
" It's nice honey but it'll make you look fat "

Classic reply I thought and just nodded to him in approval. We both knew.......
Well done that man, brilliant.
 

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