The friday joke.

[jimharri]

It's been a while, so:

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs and in a husky come-do-me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?".

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear!"

 

[Daves boy Saul]

Husband and wife having maritial problems and decide to go to marriage guidance for councilling.

Both sat there and councillor asks " there is anything you both have in common?"

after a long awkward silence the husband says "well neither of us suck cock"

Boom boom!!

 

[StrangewaysHereWeCome]

Old guy pisses his wife of for years with his farting.

One day she says to him "you'll fart one day and your guts are going to fall out of your arse!"

He just laughs at her.

Christmas morning comes around and she is in kitchen ripping the giblets out of the turkey. She gets a brainwave and runs upstairs, sees him still asleep and shoves the giblets down his undies.

She goes back to the kitchen chuckling away to herself. The old man awakes and she hears him get out of bed and rips out the biggest fart she has ever heard, after a few minutes he apppears at her side, pale and shaking

"wife" he says "all those years you've been saying I would one day fart my guts out and I scoffed at you? Well, today that happened BUT by the grace of god and these two fingers,I managed to push them right back in!"

 

[bluemooncol]

Re:

Old guy pisses his wife of for years with his farting.

One day she says to him "you'll fart one day and your guts are going to fall out of your arse!"

He just laughs at her.

Christmas morning comes around and she is in kitchen ripping the giblets out of the turkey. She gets a brainwave and runs upstairs, sees him still asleep and shoves the giblets down his undies.

She goes back to the kitchen chuckling away to herself. The old man awakes and she hears him get out of bed and rips out the biggest fart she has ever heard, after a few minutes he apppears at her side, pale and shaking

"wife" he says "all those years you've been saying I would one day fart my guts out and I scoffed at you? Well, today that happened BUT by the grace of god and these two fingers,I managed to push them right back in!"

that is minger but class

 

[amehh]

Not quite the same type of joke but it made me laugh:

40 scousers arrive at the gates of Heaven,
St. Peter said "weve only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves whos coming in"
5 minutes later, St. Peter says to God, "theyve gone"
God says, "what, all 40"
St. Peter says, "no, the f*ckin gates."

 

[paddystyle]

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

 

[Bill]

Not quite the same type of joke but it made me laugh:

40 scousers arrive at the gates of Heaven,
St. Peter said "weve only got room for 12, so decide amongst yourselves whos coming in"
5 minutes later, St. Peter says to God, "theyve gone"
God says, "what, all 40"
St. Peter says, "no, the f*ckin gates."

class

 

[jimharri]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a black fella all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The black guy looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"