Recent content by Blueskying

Thought about dying once. Watching the Liverpool Man U 0-0 game.

Two friends, a bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the forest. When they were done, the bear asks his rabbit friend, “Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says no. So the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his arse with him.

Pilot crash lands in remote Africa and is immediately surrounded by tribe of cannibalistic looking warriors chanting and waving spears. Pilot: oh god, I’m fucked. Big voice from sky: no you’re not. pilot: wha? Who’s that? Voice from sky: it’s me, God. Listen. Grab the spear from warrior...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the people in his car.

Then he competes in a swim meet. Starter’s pistol goes off, and Head goes plunging into the pool and sinks to the bottom. After a while, they get worried and fish him out. ‘Head, what happened, why didn’t you swim?” Head says, “I got a bloody cramp.” Head comes of age and rolls into a bar...

On the subject of own goals, I once heard someone suggest, “Why don’t they just label the goal posts?”

Absolutely. Always had rescues. Best dogs ever.

these work for me:

Young miss Jones in maths class: class, 5 birds are sitting in a tree, and farmer brown shoots one. How many are left? Little Billy’s hand shoots up: none, miss, the sound of the gun scared them all off. Miss Jones: hm.. actually the answer I was looking for is 4, but I like the way you’re...

More excited to win CL. More disappointed to lose PL