Joke thread

[Big Swifty]

A man goes into a pub one wet and windy night and says to the barmaid "Hello love...tickle your arse with a feather?" She says "I beg your pardon?"
He replies "I said 'particularly nasty weather' '" She says "Oh, yes, you're right."

A drunk sitting nearby watches this scenario being played out and thinks "That's bloody hilarious. I'll go out and try it on the barmaid at the pub over the road." So off he goes over to the other pub and says to the barmaid "Hello love...tickle your arse with a feather?" She says "I beg your pardon?"

The drunk replies "It's fucking pissing down outside...."

 

[Blue Maverick]

A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".

im having that ha ha

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Bloke goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his Y-Fronts. Doorman says "Who are you supposed to be"
Party bloke replies "Premature Ejaculation"
Doorman "Eh?"
Bloke "I've just come in my underpants"

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Bloke goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his Y-Fronts. Doorman says "Who are you supposed to be"
Party bloke replies "Premature Ejaculation"
Doorman "Eh?"
Bloke "I've just come in my underpants"

That wasn't funny in the 70's.





Just a way of life.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Met a Dalek from Devon last night. “What part of Devon you from?” I said.
“EXETER MATE! EXETER MATE!” he replied

 

[Blue Mist]

Met a Dalek from Devon last night. “What part of Devon you from?” I said.
“EXETER MATE! EXETER MATE!” he replied

Hmmmm your standards are, how can I put this, ergh slipping, write out 50 times Must try harder.

 

[aguero93:20]

Hmmmm your standards are, how can I put this, ergh slipping, write out 50 times Must try harder.

His standards can slip? Is their no rock bottom anymore?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Hmmmm your standards are, how can I put this, ergh slipping, write out 50 times Must try harder.

I told this at work. One person didn’t get it, said the Dalek voice wasn’t convincing ffs like it needs the voice!

 

[snorky]

His standards can slip? Is their no rock bottom anymore?

He did slip into rock hudson once.

 

[crazyg]

I told this at work. One person didn’t get it, said the Dalek voice wasn’t convincing ffs like it needs the voice!

To paraphrase the late Frank Carson:

"It's the way he tells 'em".