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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with his bird puns, but he soon realised that toucan play at that game.

Barmy

Last year I raised money for charity by sitting in a bath full of Indian food. I won’t be doing that again in a curry.

I've decided to put my glove puppet collection up for sale, who wants to take them off my hands?

Tesco says they are to axe 1800 jobs in their bakeries. I hope the staff will find new rolls to fill...

Female wanted, must have own pub. Apply with inn...

I got chatting to a lumberjack in the pub. He seemed like a decent feller...

Getting a kite stuck in a tree is not one of my best moments, but it's up there...

I broke my neck 3 years ago....never looked back since.

I've just opened an Elvis themed Steakhouse. It's aimed at people who love meat tender.

When I woke up in hospital the doctors tried to convince me I'm a Swedish bloke with amnesia, but I wasn't bjorn yesterday.

A bloke I sort of know came in the pub, looked really smart, new suit tie and shiny shows. I've only ever seen him in t-shirt and jeans. "What was the verdict, obviously not guilty as your celebrating with a pint" "No" he said, "sisters funeral"

My Uncle was one of Winston Churchills bodyguards.

Guitar Tuna is a free phone app that works well.

Hi mate, I've not set up shipping to Ireland yet but if you want to message me with what you're interested in I could work out the postage costs.

Pay off mortgage Laser eye surgery New teeth New hearing aid Treat the grandkids Go on holiday Buy a 2 stroke classic motorcycle Funny how your priorities change the older you get...

I thought I'd change the lyrics to that awful song: Ole's at the wheel Tell me how shit does it feel You've got Sanchez, Lukaku and Pog We'd flush shit like that down the bog Du du du du dudu du du Du du du du dudu du du Finish below City again Ole your a gem. Not in my lifetime Fergie said...

Motorhead - Bolton Institute of Technology 1977

Cheers fellas not many beards in the way and a decent pint.

Can anyone recommend a good pub in Heaton Moor that will be showing the game?