SUPPORT GROWS FOR RETRO FALKLANDS WAR
18-02-10
A MAJORITY of Britons would support a retro, 80s-style war with Argentina, especially if it was narrated by Stuart Maconie, it emerged last night.
Researchers found that 78% were in favour of a new Falklands conflict as long as it evoked warm feelings of childhood nostalgia and brought an extra level of intensity to this summer's World Cup.
Tom Logan, director of polling company EDBT, said: "A lot of people remember seeing it on the news, which used to come on after MacGyver. It was a simpler, more innocent time, before AIDS and sex jelly and confectionery companies changing the names of things.
"I got a Big Trak for Christmas that year which I would play with while watching Airwolf and eating a packet of Opal Fruits."
He added: "According to our calculations, a new Falklands war would be the military equivalent of getting a Viv Anderson sticker for your Panini album or finding a shop that still sells Pacer mints. Which, as everyone knows, would be totally ace."
Ministry of Defence sources say the inexplicable Justin Lee Collins will attempt to get the original troops back together, while professional opinion-giver Maconie is being lined up to provide wistful, light-hearted commentary to Brian Hanrahan's dramatic news footage, accompanied by an Adam and the Ants medley or Seven Tears by the Goombay Dance Band.
Falklands-era tabloid newspaper The Sun has told its staff to develop 25 new phrases that include the words 'Argie' and 'bargy' as well as fresh and exciting ways of celebrating the deaths of hundreds of Argentinian sailors.
Meanwhile nurses at the care home of former editor Kelvin McKenzie have been asked to wipe his holes, change his rubber pants and put him in a taxi.
But Dr Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, insisted the political conditions in 2010 were completely different from 1982, adding: "Last time round we had a deeply unpopular government presiding over a failing economy and absolutely desperate for a quick, easy war to turn its fortunes around.
"Oh right, I see what you mean."
