To be honest lads I'm gunna keep this brief. The other afternoon I had the most appalling experience of my sexual life.....maybe even my life in general, let's be honest here. The putrid bag above, Jess, 21, Holbeck Leeds became my unfortunate Pip 15. I can assure you that the mess you see above does not depict the true horror of this 'lady'. If you think the above is bad the reality would take your breath away.....and believe me her B.O. literally did
I had a week off last week and with the Mrs working I had much time to myself. I hit the filth sites for hours on end and now I've built up a whole new legion of dirty bags. I'm hoping to conclude a few new deals over the coming weeks. Time will tell. So many fucking time-wasters promising balls-deep action but it comes to nothing
Anyway B.O. Jess and I had been incessantly textin one another. Again the promise of sheer unabandoned triple X sex came....I played the game, enjoyed the chase, but didn't build myself up too greatly (Good fucking job in hindsight).
This Wednesday afternoon shortly before I leave the office for lunch and a prowl around Leeds Centre to check out the gash, Jess texts. I want your cock in me now....or something similar, I can't remember ? Come round to my flat right now she demands and knowing that if I nipped back to the car and she's literally 5 mins around the corner, the prospect of a lunchtime poke is irresistable. No I didn't fancy her, but a tickle is a tickle
Without further a do I'm marching quick step to the carpark....."Must warn you my bedroom isn't very tidy ! Lol" Came the next text. How endearing I thought. The least I'm worried about is a bit of dust on the mantle piece love....I'm gunna stove your pie in
The flat turns out to be one of the high rise flats in THE most shitty part of Leeds. Had hoped for one of the sophisticated apartments overlooking the river, but no cigar. I'm in Kosovo. I lock all valuables in the car boot and make my way into Castle Grey Skull. And without any fabrication whatsoever I step into a lift to take me to the 15th floor and look down to see a used tampon an inch from my foot
This set the scene for further horrors to come. As the door swung open and Jess stood before me like a sack of decaying spuds, I ventured into a flat that looked like squatters had taken occupancy for the last 6 months It was a fucking wreck. Rubbish literally strewn across the floor. She stank like piss and when she kissed me it was like stale kebab laced with poo....
Why I didn't turn around right then I can't explain.....why I let her lead me straight into her bedroom I can't explain.....why when she peeled off her minging tent like knickers exposing a fat smelly fanny, I chose to stove my pipe in, I just can't explain Guess I'd worked myself up so much for the shag making my way there I just couldn't bare to return back to work without the empty.....a sad confession.
Back at the office I scrubbed my hands, face and cock about 3 times then sat in silence for much of the afternoon What the fucking hell was that. EASILY the worst shag of my life. Do I hang my boots up, sweep aside these escapades and get on with a normal life. Like fuck I will....onto the next !
-- Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:35 pm --
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.smooch.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.smooch.com</a> the latest hunting ground for the Love Dog. A little more discreet than Social Me and Plenty of Fish where I'd been spotted before. This site is predominately occupied by sad fat women with a few rare gem stones thrown in. The going is tough, these women are the "unlucky in love" briggade and they are hardened to the crass approaches of serial sex maniacs like myself. But the Dog is patient.....and eventually he gets his bone
Most of the women on this site defy belief. I've stooped to many lows in the past, but most on here even Wayne Rooney would struggle to tickle. I present to you....
Contestant number one is clearly in the throws of ending her poor cats life....then eating it. Contestant 2 has just done a 12 hour shift down a Sheffield coalmine whilst 3 has escaped an Institute for Battered Buffalo.
Now whilst you contort your face in digust the site offers a few rare charms. Ladies that make the old chap throb on a lonely night....
Not catwalk queens but ladies that don't scare the dog when you take them home. I digress, a brief insight into the murky world of Smooch, the hunting ground for my latest Pip slayings.
In my last episode I met some dumb fuck called Deb from Leeds, the shit part of Leeds (all of Leeds is shit I hear you say). But I've been chatting and engaging sexual fantasies with another Deb from Leeds recently. The posh part. North Leeds. Infested with Jews, millionaires and high class hookers, Chapel Allerton, Moortown and Shadwell. Debbie number 2 is Jewish and contrary to her strict doctrine ate my pork this morning. We'd had phone sex only at the weekend and the sound of a plummy well educated voice saying, "I want you to fuck my wet hole...." frankly had the Dog panting.
The thing is, you get a dirty bird being dirty....so fucking what, you know what's coming from the outset. But you get some prim and proper bit of muck....oooh I do love Pimms and tennis....talking like a porn star, you're hooked ! Let's not get too excited here though. I'd spoken to Debbie and she sounded delectable, but her photo suggested she was in fact a bush pig.
She lives in an expensive and select part of Leeds. Crawling with Jews and fucking bagel shops. I found her apartment this morning and like a boy opening his Kinder Egg I awaited my prize....the booby prize. The first thought that flashed across my mind when it came into view was....my, what a big fucking head you have. Like a St. Bernard it was smiling menacingly at me. She had the forehead and resceeding hairline of Art Garfunkel, where was my Bridge over troubled water now ? I followed Dome Head into the apartment and I'm led immediately into the bedroom.
The first thing I clap eyes on is some kind of satanic book on her bedside table Is this **** going to torture then eat me ? I perch cautiously on the edge of the bed whilst she nips off to make coffees. I don't fancy this. She's weird. She has frizzy ginger hair and the arse of a Silverback. But she returns and the intelligent conversation and her overt confidence makes her bizarrely attractive. Unlike the idiot from a few weeks ago, this bird can engage you and almost mid-sentence she asks me to undress and get in bed as she's not got long left before she's setting out for work. A woman in control who's only after a fuck....Hubba Hubba For a change I'm not pulling all the strings and coercing some bird into bed, just praying the fat **** doesn't want to sit on my face....
Garfunkel wraps a rather chubby hand around my chap...."Are you going to slide that into me you bad boy ?" All said in the perfect Queens English. You're horrid love, but you bet I am Foregoing all foreplay I jump between her legs and in a flash poke the cock in. My....what a fat fanny. I bash hard into it with the slurping sound of a welly in thick mud whilst Dome Head grips the bars on the head board behind her. I'm sure at one point one of her blubbery tits smacks her face, but the conclusion is quick as ever and I blast the Love Ketchup
I try go down for the licks but apparently I'm not allowed to do that on the first date. Only full penatrative sex withing 10 minutes of meeting up is allowed But I expertly finger the pie and in a dripping mess old Deb is climaxing and wetting the bed....Hubba Hubba, Merci Beaucomp, eeeeee tha were grand love
I slide the suit back on. Straighten the tie and straight back to work. Thankyou Jewish bird, you have been my Pip number 12 and I have absolutely no intention of coming back<br /><br />-- Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:45 pm --<br /><br />So which of the 3 beauties above did the Dog snare this week ? Who was it that spread their legs and welcomed the turbo tongue ? Who got splattered with the Love Ketchup and moaned like a wilderbeast ? Who was it I ask you ? Well the simple and painful truth is it was none of them. Oh no. The Love Dog got a little desperate on Tuesday night having got nowhere for the past few weeks and ended up with this fucking monstrosity. Gentleman and token ladies, I present to you.....THE THING
Out of nowhere it popped up on Plenty of Fish. And with her loving and sensual words of "Do you fancy a fuck tonight ?" the Dog inexplicably found himself in his car at 11pm driving towards Bramley, some shite corner of Leeds. Desperation had taken over and with no rational thought I headed over towards Terri, 35, originally from Reading. I suspect the locals there partitioned their MP and she was eventually evicted on account of being a fat horrible **** and Leeds reaped the rewards. Fuck it, I needed an empty tonight. Jabba's gunna get it.
Terri had warned me she was a rather large girl. With a tentative tappy tap on the door it came into view. A wide panoramic view. She's fucking colossal, the figure of a wheelie bin and a similar stench I walk in fearing the worse. Not even had a drink tonight so I'm sat next to Augustus Galloop's fatter twin Sister in painful sobriety. So naturally I ask if she has any booze in. Had hoped to bring some supplies with me, but being so late all the local shops were shut. "Sorry luv aint got owt !!" You've got to be fucking kidding me....find some you slut !! After a moments thought Terri gets up from the sofa. Half expected to be catapulted across the room as she did so as her weight was released from one end of the sofa. Fat knacker disappeared into the kitchen and a minute later returned with a bottle of Sambuca. "Found this luv at the back of a cupboard." Get in ! I pour myself a huge glass and down the fucker in one. Heroine might have been my preffered choice but hopefully this would make the night a little more comfortable.
So we chat, laugh, talk about Plenty of Fish, down more Sambuca and the Dog slowly starts to overcome some of the initial dread. It's just an empty. Fuck it. Let's boogie. Fat or thin, slip it in I've always said. But Terri bar one 'girl' I strobed around 10 years ago is simply the fattest yet. But I'm brave. I'm Leeds
Little chatting up required tonight. Terri had clearly signposted her intentions with her first message on Plenty. After another 2 generous glasses of Sambuca I'm lead upstairs to her lair. I'm praying the fat **** has a steel framed bed because the last thing I want to happen in the middle of the night is to crash through the bedroom floor and to be found dead next day by the fire service. What an epitaph eh ?
The Dog strips off and climbs into bed. Then a moments brief joy. Terri announces that before bed she's going to take a shower Thank fuck for that. She smells like a rotting bear. Give yourself a good scrub love, the bleach is under the sink
I'm nearly nodding off by the time it returns. I'm awoken as the chunk rolls into bed and I'm sucked into the dip she has created. She wastes little time and her plunger like lips engulf my face. Holy fuck, I hope she's eaten, I could be supper....I then feel a very fat hand upon my chap and with little finesse she starts to toss the Dog off. Feels like a wicket keeper's glove. With little enthusiasm I suck on a tit I find somewhere under an armpit. This has to conclude quickly. It aint gunna be pretty. My hand surfs across multi layers of flab and after much exploration I find something wet and familar. Yes.....I have located the snatch and it's dripping. Taking a deep breath I climb on board and suffer the vertigo. Her chunk like legs part enough for me to guide my lad in. I'm assuming it's in, could have been fucking a fold for all I knew and start to strobe chunka wunka. It's like a bean bag made of fat and flesh but I slam into it forceably, almost angry with myself and as I pull it's hair I blast a wad all over her hairy gash. Congratulation fatty, you've found the only man in the whole world who was willing to fuck you.
That's it. I roll over. Fall asleep and dream of Japanese harpooning vessels. Next morning Terri seems to want a round 2. I've other ideas. The Sambuca has warn off and the cold reality is alarming my senses. I've just bedded Giant Haystacks. I chuck my clothes on and race home for a much needed shower and to prepare for a day at the bank. Onto the next. They won't get any worse.....or will they ?
I had a week off last week and with the Mrs working I had much time to myself. I hit the filth sites for hours on end and now I've built up a whole new legion of dirty bags. I'm hoping to conclude a few new deals over the coming weeks. Time will tell. So many fucking time-wasters promising balls-deep action but it comes to nothing
Anyway B.O. Jess and I had been incessantly textin one another. Again the promise of sheer unabandoned triple X sex came....I played the game, enjoyed the chase, but didn't build myself up too greatly (Good fucking job in hindsight).
This Wednesday afternoon shortly before I leave the office for lunch and a prowl around Leeds Centre to check out the gash, Jess texts. I want your cock in me now....or something similar, I can't remember ? Come round to my flat right now she demands and knowing that if I nipped back to the car and she's literally 5 mins around the corner, the prospect of a lunchtime poke is irresistable. No I didn't fancy her, but a tickle is a tickle
Without further a do I'm marching quick step to the carpark....."Must warn you my bedroom isn't very tidy ! Lol" Came the next text. How endearing I thought. The least I'm worried about is a bit of dust on the mantle piece love....I'm gunna stove your pie in
The flat turns out to be one of the high rise flats in THE most shitty part of Leeds. Had hoped for one of the sophisticated apartments overlooking the river, but no cigar. I'm in Kosovo. I lock all valuables in the car boot and make my way into Castle Grey Skull. And without any fabrication whatsoever I step into a lift to take me to the 15th floor and look down to see a used tampon an inch from my foot
This set the scene for further horrors to come. As the door swung open and Jess stood before me like a sack of decaying spuds, I ventured into a flat that looked like squatters had taken occupancy for the last 6 months It was a fucking wreck. Rubbish literally strewn across the floor. She stank like piss and when she kissed me it was like stale kebab laced with poo....
Why I didn't turn around right then I can't explain.....why I let her lead me straight into her bedroom I can't explain.....why when she peeled off her minging tent like knickers exposing a fat smelly fanny, I chose to stove my pipe in, I just can't explain Guess I'd worked myself up so much for the shag making my way there I just couldn't bare to return back to work without the empty.....a sad confession.
Back at the office I scrubbed my hands, face and cock about 3 times then sat in silence for much of the afternoon What the fucking hell was that. EASILY the worst shag of my life. Do I hang my boots up, sweep aside these escapades and get on with a normal life. Like fuck I will....onto the next !
-- Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:35 pm --
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.smooch.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.smooch.com</a> the latest hunting ground for the Love Dog. A little more discreet than Social Me and Plenty of Fish where I'd been spotted before. This site is predominately occupied by sad fat women with a few rare gem stones thrown in. The going is tough, these women are the "unlucky in love" briggade and they are hardened to the crass approaches of serial sex maniacs like myself. But the Dog is patient.....and eventually he gets his bone
Most of the women on this site defy belief. I've stooped to many lows in the past, but most on here even Wayne Rooney would struggle to tickle. I present to you....
Contestant number one is clearly in the throws of ending her poor cats life....then eating it. Contestant 2 has just done a 12 hour shift down a Sheffield coalmine whilst 3 has escaped an Institute for Battered Buffalo.
Now whilst you contort your face in digust the site offers a few rare charms. Ladies that make the old chap throb on a lonely night....
Not catwalk queens but ladies that don't scare the dog when you take them home. I digress, a brief insight into the murky world of Smooch, the hunting ground for my latest Pip slayings.
In my last episode I met some dumb fuck called Deb from Leeds, the shit part of Leeds (all of Leeds is shit I hear you say). But I've been chatting and engaging sexual fantasies with another Deb from Leeds recently. The posh part. North Leeds. Infested with Jews, millionaires and high class hookers, Chapel Allerton, Moortown and Shadwell. Debbie number 2 is Jewish and contrary to her strict doctrine ate my pork this morning. We'd had phone sex only at the weekend and the sound of a plummy well educated voice saying, "I want you to fuck my wet hole...." frankly had the Dog panting.
The thing is, you get a dirty bird being dirty....so fucking what, you know what's coming from the outset. But you get some prim and proper bit of muck....oooh I do love Pimms and tennis....talking like a porn star, you're hooked ! Let's not get too excited here though. I'd spoken to Debbie and she sounded delectable, but her photo suggested she was in fact a bush pig.
She lives in an expensive and select part of Leeds. Crawling with Jews and fucking bagel shops. I found her apartment this morning and like a boy opening his Kinder Egg I awaited my prize....the booby prize. The first thought that flashed across my mind when it came into view was....my, what a big fucking head you have. Like a St. Bernard it was smiling menacingly at me. She had the forehead and resceeding hairline of Art Garfunkel, where was my Bridge over troubled water now ? I followed Dome Head into the apartment and I'm led immediately into the bedroom.
The first thing I clap eyes on is some kind of satanic book on her bedside table Is this **** going to torture then eat me ? I perch cautiously on the edge of the bed whilst she nips off to make coffees. I don't fancy this. She's weird. She has frizzy ginger hair and the arse of a Silverback. But she returns and the intelligent conversation and her overt confidence makes her bizarrely attractive. Unlike the idiot from a few weeks ago, this bird can engage you and almost mid-sentence she asks me to undress and get in bed as she's not got long left before she's setting out for work. A woman in control who's only after a fuck....Hubba Hubba For a change I'm not pulling all the strings and coercing some bird into bed, just praying the fat **** doesn't want to sit on my face....
Garfunkel wraps a rather chubby hand around my chap...."Are you going to slide that into me you bad boy ?" All said in the perfect Queens English. You're horrid love, but you bet I am Foregoing all foreplay I jump between her legs and in a flash poke the cock in. My....what a fat fanny. I bash hard into it with the slurping sound of a welly in thick mud whilst Dome Head grips the bars on the head board behind her. I'm sure at one point one of her blubbery tits smacks her face, but the conclusion is quick as ever and I blast the Love Ketchup
I try go down for the licks but apparently I'm not allowed to do that on the first date. Only full penatrative sex withing 10 minutes of meeting up is allowed But I expertly finger the pie and in a dripping mess old Deb is climaxing and wetting the bed....Hubba Hubba, Merci Beaucomp, eeeeee tha were grand love
I slide the suit back on. Straighten the tie and straight back to work. Thankyou Jewish bird, you have been my Pip number 12 and I have absolutely no intention of coming back<br /><br />-- Mon Apr 18, 2011 7:45 pm --<br /><br />So which of the 3 beauties above did the Dog snare this week ? Who was it that spread their legs and welcomed the turbo tongue ? Who got splattered with the Love Ketchup and moaned like a wilderbeast ? Who was it I ask you ? Well the simple and painful truth is it was none of them. Oh no. The Love Dog got a little desperate on Tuesday night having got nowhere for the past few weeks and ended up with this fucking monstrosity. Gentleman and token ladies, I present to you.....THE THING
Out of nowhere it popped up on Plenty of Fish. And with her loving and sensual words of "Do you fancy a fuck tonight ?" the Dog inexplicably found himself in his car at 11pm driving towards Bramley, some shite corner of Leeds. Desperation had taken over and with no rational thought I headed over towards Terri, 35, originally from Reading. I suspect the locals there partitioned their MP and she was eventually evicted on account of being a fat horrible **** and Leeds reaped the rewards. Fuck it, I needed an empty tonight. Jabba's gunna get it.
Terri had warned me she was a rather large girl. With a tentative tappy tap on the door it came into view. A wide panoramic view. She's fucking colossal, the figure of a wheelie bin and a similar stench I walk in fearing the worse. Not even had a drink tonight so I'm sat next to Augustus Galloop's fatter twin Sister in painful sobriety. So naturally I ask if she has any booze in. Had hoped to bring some supplies with me, but being so late all the local shops were shut. "Sorry luv aint got owt !!" You've got to be fucking kidding me....find some you slut !! After a moments thought Terri gets up from the sofa. Half expected to be catapulted across the room as she did so as her weight was released from one end of the sofa. Fat knacker disappeared into the kitchen and a minute later returned with a bottle of Sambuca. "Found this luv at the back of a cupboard." Get in ! I pour myself a huge glass and down the fucker in one. Heroine might have been my preffered choice but hopefully this would make the night a little more comfortable.
So we chat, laugh, talk about Plenty of Fish, down more Sambuca and the Dog slowly starts to overcome some of the initial dread. It's just an empty. Fuck it. Let's boogie. Fat or thin, slip it in I've always said. But Terri bar one 'girl' I strobed around 10 years ago is simply the fattest yet. But I'm brave. I'm Leeds
Little chatting up required tonight. Terri had clearly signposted her intentions with her first message on Plenty. After another 2 generous glasses of Sambuca I'm lead upstairs to her lair. I'm praying the fat **** has a steel framed bed because the last thing I want to happen in the middle of the night is to crash through the bedroom floor and to be found dead next day by the fire service. What an epitaph eh ?
The Dog strips off and climbs into bed. Then a moments brief joy. Terri announces that before bed she's going to take a shower Thank fuck for that. She smells like a rotting bear. Give yourself a good scrub love, the bleach is under the sink
I'm nearly nodding off by the time it returns. I'm awoken as the chunk rolls into bed and I'm sucked into the dip she has created. She wastes little time and her plunger like lips engulf my face. Holy fuck, I hope she's eaten, I could be supper....I then feel a very fat hand upon my chap and with little finesse she starts to toss the Dog off. Feels like a wicket keeper's glove. With little enthusiasm I suck on a tit I find somewhere under an armpit. This has to conclude quickly. It aint gunna be pretty. My hand surfs across multi layers of flab and after much exploration I find something wet and familar. Yes.....I have located the snatch and it's dripping. Taking a deep breath I climb on board and suffer the vertigo. Her chunk like legs part enough for me to guide my lad in. I'm assuming it's in, could have been fucking a fold for all I knew and start to strobe chunka wunka. It's like a bean bag made of fat and flesh but I slam into it forceably, almost angry with myself and as I pull it's hair I blast a wad all over her hairy gash. Congratulation fatty, you've found the only man in the whole world who was willing to fuck you.
That's it. I roll over. Fall asleep and dream of Japanese harpooning vessels. Next morning Terri seems to want a round 2. I've other ideas. The Sambuca has warn off and the cold reality is alarming my senses. I've just bedded Giant Haystacks. I chuck my clothes on and race home for a much needed shower and to prepare for a day at the bank. Onto the next. They won't get any worse.....or will they ?