Dementia. a question?

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Packrat

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My mother has been diagnosed as having dementia and we have been told she has to live in residential care. She is 68 years old, quite youngish for this appalling infliction.
What i want to know is this, when the health authority decide she has to live in residential care is that the case closed, cos this is really tearing me apart. She deserves so much better than this.
 
NiceN Sleazy said:
My mother has been diagnosed as having dementia and we have been told she has to live in residential care. She is 68 years old, quite youngish for this appalling infliction.
What i want to know is this, when the health authority decide she has to live in residential care is that the case closed, cos this is really tearing me apart. She deserves so much better than this.
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mate...take the help....trust me, you will need it when things start happening.

My missus's nan was diagnosed 4 years ago...for 3 years the family tried to take it in turns to help out. We had things like the fire brigade turning up because she had put something on the grille and gone out, also leaving the gas on without lighting it. Several occassions she was wandering round town with hundreds of pounds on her and half dressed. And one of the main senses to be lost is time awareness, so she may end up like my missus's nan wandering the streets at night. I know its your mum mate, but it does become a drain on the resources both mentaly and physically. In the end, they had to admit it was safer & better for her to be under 24/7 care.

My gran has just been diagnosed too and my dad is going through the same thing as you mate. My missus sat him down and discussed the options with him.

My missus and her mum went on a free course on dealing with dementia which should be offered to you if you want to care for her. Has she been assigned a social worker yet mate, if so, speak with them about the course
 
Take shadys advice and take the help. I have three friends who have a parent going through it right now. Sometimes proffesional help is really the only way to go.
 
You can get alarms and sensors fitted and disconnect the oven, just have a microwave.

It depends how many people are in your family and how close they live to her as to whether or not you could cope.

You are betting off getting Enduring Power of Attorney sorted out soon too.
 
shadygiz said:
NiceN Sleazy said:
My mother has been diagnosed as having dementia and we have been told she has to live in residential care. She is 68 years old, quite youngish for this appalling infliction.
What i want to know is this, when the health authority decide she has to live in residential care is that the case closed, cos this is really tearing me apart. She deserves so much better than this.
Click to expand...


mate...take the help....trust me, you will need it when things start happening.

My missus's nan was diagnosed 4 years ago...for 3 years the family tried to take it in turns to help out. We had things like the fire brigade turning up because she had put something on the grille and gone out, also leaving the gas on without lighting it. Several occassions she was wandering round town with hundreds of pounds on her and half dressed. And one of the main senses to be lost is time awareness, so she may end up like my missus's nan wandering the streets at night. I know its your mum mate, but it does become a drain on the resources both mentaly and physically. In the end, they had to admit it was safer & better for her to be under 24/7 care.

My gran has just been diagnosed too and my dad is going through the same thing as you mate. My missus sat him down and discussed the options with him.

My missus and her mum went on a free course on dealing with dementia which should be offered to you if you want to care for her. Has she been assigned a social worker yet mate, if so, speak with them about the course
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I have just read this out to the wife who works in this area of interest and agrees with the above statement 100%
 
My maternal grandparents has a similar health problem some years back and for about a year the familly took it in turns to put my grandfather to bed and wash hime etc as my grandmother wasnt fit to do it, we got a sofa bed for him so that he didnt have to go up the stairs, after a year, we realised that it was no standard of life for either of them and a very large burden on the family, so seen a local old peoples home that could take them both in.
The home was superb, and had quite a few of the people my grandparents had known all thier lives living in it, and quite a few of the staff were related to people that they knew, meaning that my grandmother always had someone to have a chat too when Grandfather was no longer able to communicate.
There are a few old peoples homes that are not up to the standard that they should be, but the vast majority are excellent in my experiences (m mother worked in them for 25 years before retiring), indeed any time we were visiting the staff would ask if we wanted a cup of tea or coffee, just like we would have been offered when my grandparents lived at home, and with professional care available 24/7 it eased our minds about not having to worry about how they were coping/
 
take all the help you can mate,it can be very tiring and stressful looking after your loved ones.Trust me,been there,done it.Even though it's yer mam,let experienced people take care of it.God bless mate,keep strong.
 
My Mum (who was really my Gran, but raised me) had it. We tried to look after her in her own home for a few years but it only led to danger as we couldn't be there all the time. She eventually started to wander in her nightdress, and that is when we knew we were beaten.

The most poignant thing was her ability to take herself back 60 years. On her last day of "independence" she woke up remembering the daughter she had that had died at 6 months, just as she had been awoken in the same way 60 years earlier (the baby had died in her sleep). The distress was palpable and to witness it was horrendous.

We had to let her go into hospital at that point, and then eventually into a home.

On entering the home though it was almost as if all the cares and woes of a lifetime slipped from her shoulders. For once in her life she could "give in" without the thought of recrimination.

Dementia was cruel to my Mum in the early years, but in a way it was a Godsend in that it wiped her memory clean of the images that had tortured her.

I know that isn't what you need to hear, but I can only talk from personal experience.
 
It's a wicked, wicked, wicked disease.

If she's a danger to herself then get her out of her current environment - this generally means residential care unless you can afford to pay the hourly rate for one-on-one care.

The younger victims tend to progress at a much faster rate than the older ones, which may seem a worse prognosis to you right now, but actually it's a blessing in disguise.

And remember, whatever she says, whatever she does, she's your mum.
 
My nan was diagnosed with dementia two years ago, and if I'm honest it frightens me. The changes have been drastic and fast, I'm still trying to learn more about the condition so I can help as much as possible. Me, my mum, and sisters are doing all we can but it's worrying to think what happens when were not around, I've had friends phone me saying they have seen her walking around at like ten o'clock so have to go out trying to find her, also she keeps on talking about her mum (who died when I was five) and how she's going out shopping with her in the morning. Another thing Is my nan was forever cleaning and pottering around the house, but this has all but stopped, she doesn't cook anymore but goes to the chippy every night, and just lately she keeps talking about visiting her aunties in ardwick where she grew up, and they are long gone. It's really worrying to watch someone you love go through this, and as much as we keep telling ourselves we'll help her so she doesn't have to go in a home, I fear this is going to happen sooner than we thought.
 
der bomber28 said:
My nan was diagnosed with dementia two years ago, and if I'm honest it frightens me. The changes have been drastic and fast, I'm still trying to learn more about the condition so I can help as much as possible. Me, my mum, and sisters are doing all we can but it's worrying to think what happens when were not around, I've had friends phone me saying they have seen her walking around at like ten o'clock so have to go out trying to find her, also she keeps on talking about her mum (who died when I was five) and how she's going out shopping with her in the morning. Another thing Is my nan was forever cleaning and pottering around the house, but this has all but stopped, she doesn't cook anymore but goes to the chippy every night, and just lately she keeps talking about visiting her aunties in ardwick where she grew up, and they are long gone. It's really worrying to watch someone you love go through this, and as much as we keep telling ourselves we'll help her so she doesn't have to go in a home, I fear this is going to happen sooner than we thought.
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That is the same as my Mum der bomber.

It's heartbreaking.

You have to make the decision soon though. It's for the best.
 
horrible situation to have to choose. a couple who live near me stuck together.. or rather she had to be with him at all times of the day and he used to go to a centre one day a week so she could get some rest.. but it depends how strong you can be and whether there is someone to be there at all times.

My grandma went home to my granddad one day just as he was about to sign away his whole inheritance to a group of mormons sat on the living room floor.

you need to look at all the options. Hope your okay
 
get as much help as you can. get power of attorney sorted asap.
my workmates parents both suffered with this horrible condition. you need to get finances sorted right now.
i know it sounds ruthless, but if its not sorted, your parents house will be used to pay for care.
 
2bluegp said:
get as much help as you can. get power of attorney sorted asap.
my workmates parents both suffered with this horrible condition. you need to get finances sorted right now.
i know it sounds ruthless, but if its not sorted, your parents house will be used to pay for care.
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Unless he lives with them, and it wasn't signed over within the last 7 years, then he's buggered on that front anyway.
 
mackenzie said:
der bomber28 said:
My nan was diagnosed with dementia two years ago, and if I'm honest it frightens me. The changes have been drastic and fast, I'm still trying to learn more about the condition so I can help as much as possible. Me, my mum, and sisters are doing all we can but it's worrying to think what happens when were not around, I've had friends phone me saying they have seen her walking around at like ten o'clock so have to go out trying to find her, also she keeps on talking about her mum (who died when I was five) and how she's going out shopping with her in the morning. Another thing Is my nan was forever cleaning and pottering around the house, but this has all but stopped, she doesn't cook anymore but goes to the chippy every night, and just lately she keeps talking about visiting her aunties in ardwick where she grew up, and they are long gone. It's really worrying to watch someone you love go through this, and as much as we keep telling ourselves we'll help her so she doesn't have to go in a home, I fear this is going to happen sooner than we thought.
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That is the same as my Mum der bomber.

It's heartbreaking.

You have to make the decision soon though. It's for the best.
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Your right mate it is heartbreaking, very hard to watch someone you love deteriorate so quickly, my mums talking to a social worker at the moment to see what we can do.
 
My father in law died yesterday after having senile dementia and complications arising from that condition.
It's brought back how my grandad went 15 years ago and it's not a happy place,he was a text book case wandering around Ashton at night with the coppers taking him to my sisters whose kids were babies then.
Mum and I were living down south and every weekend I would drive to Uxbridge and then to Ashton,listening to mum beating her self up with guilt about my sister shouldering the load and grandads refusal to go into a home,his doctor had suggested sectioning him,it never came to it thankfully as he got ill and died in hospital.
If he had gone into a home I'm sure he would have lived a bit longer with a better quality of life,it sounds as if procedures and protocols have improved and having had first hand experience twice I would say take any help and guidance offered,it's too big for anyone to cope alone with.
 
Thanks all for the replies and my sympathies to those who have and are experiencing the same circumstances.
We have just had a meeting with the social workers and doctor who have told us she needs 24 hour care in a care home, which I am sorting out. I am in the process taking out a court of protection order to look after her finances etc. That's all the advice I have been given.
I can't help but feel there should be more that I can do, but after reading the replies I realise that she is in the best place for her. I was hoping that there would be some alternative to residential care, because at the moment it feels like I have taken away her liberty.
 
I did some extra summer work last year at the town's care home. Mostly patients in various stages of dementia. I found myself getting so frustrated about the way things were run, that I've not gone back this summer. I used music as a stimulation - either involving the residents in a sing-along, or playing CDs of old songs in the communal area. It was rewarding to see what a lift it gave the residents - something to brighten their day. Unfortunately, the resources just aren't on hand for the full-time staff to devote to such activities. I was actually advised not to let the residents dwell too much on their past memories, something that may have actually helped: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/jun/15/dementia-football-memories-project-scotland

Stimulating activities probably happen in other care homes, just not in the one in my town. If you're checking out possible alternatives, spend as long time as possible at the place, to really find out what goes on in the space of a day.
 
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