Friday jokes

law74

Well-Known Member
Joined
17 Feb 2007
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backing three legged donkeys
Two blokes were on a cruise when they went on deck and there was no one about
the first says
"Its very quiet on deck tonight!"
the other replies
"they will all be watching the band"


"I didnt know there was a band playing"

"Oh yes, the PA announced that there was A BAND ON SHIP"

(mine is the one in the corner with the fur lined hood)
 
My girlfriend is in tears, her rabbit just died.



Ironically, my mouse did at the same time.



Which is why I needed the batteries from her rabbit....
 
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour:-
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
 
Gay man walks into a pub and sits at the bar and starts talking to this scouse bloke sat next to him ...After a few drinks he leans over and whispeers in the scouses ear...
The scouse jumps up drags him outside and kicks the shit out of him then calmly walks back into the pub... The barman asks what happened there... scouse replies I didnt quite make it all out but cheeky bastard said something about him giving me a job..
 
After years of research, investigation and experiment, scientists have finally discovered what makes women happy:


















fuck all!
 
What is more painful? Being kicked in the balls, or giving birth?

A woman, when giving birth, goes through immense pain. The worst pain imaginable, and pain that could scar you mentally and physically. A couple of years later, she leans over to her husband and says, 'you know... I could do with another baby'.

But when a man gets kicked in the balls, he doesnt lean over to his partner and ask for another kick in the balls.

;)
 
A boy lost his job in a chip shop. His dad goes to find out why.
The owner says "I found him with a potatoe peeler up his arse"
Dad say's "May I see the potatoe peeler?"
Owner replies "No, I fired him as well"
 

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