Graceyboy
Well-Known Member
For those who have not had the joy of reading these, I enclose a few entries from our favorite tw@ts diary
For those who have seen them, I hope you never tire from laughing at these ( I certainly don't )
For those who have read them and are yawning, don't bother flaming me, im fireproof.
The Gary Neville diaries
Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday
Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should of won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.
Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.
Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Thursday
Mum said I looked very handsome in my suit for the christening. It brought out my moustache. Victoria's (ugh) instructions were to dress down, but I know David would have wanted me to look smart. I didn't get an invitation but that's because you don't formally invite your closest friends. It's unspoken. Everyone knows that, though not the very stupid security man, who was probably an Arse-nal fan.
Still can't believe I wasn't godfather. Little Brooklyn and Romeo could have grown up to be just like their Uncle Gary.
Christmas Eve
I'm writing this under my Man United quilt cover with my Man United pen by the light of my Man United torch as Mum says that the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner he'll come. We left him a carrot and a mince pie and a glass of Lucozade (mum says he likes sherry but Sir says no drinking at Christmas. For the players anyway ;-))
Though of course I don't believe in Father Christmas. That would be silly. I just pretend for Phil's sake.
I wonder what he'll bring me - what do you get the man who already plays for the best club in the whole wide world ever?
Christmas Day
Apparently the man who already plays for the best club in the whole wide world ever gets socks. After I'd chased mum around the tree appealing her decision, she started crying and agreed to take them back to Marks and Spencers and swap them for some Man United socks. Result. But she should have known I don't wear anything without a club badge - she was the one who sewed them on my grundies.
Wonder if Sir will like his 'Sir And Gary' jumper. It took ages to knit and I used up seven balls of red wool for his face. And five balls of black wool for my moustache.
Gave dad 200 pounds - thought he might want to buy Phil for Bury.
Later: Sir says I might not play tomorrow because I've got the sniffles. I begged and said I would still play for the greatest club in the world if I only had one leg - which would still make me better than Phil and Klob-erson - but he said no. At least it shows he cares.
He didn't even mention the jumper :-(
Boxing Day
We were very, very, very lucky to get away with beating Bolton without me. The very average and lucky-to-ever-wear-the-sacred-red-shirt John O'Shea was run ragged and was definitely the weak link. I don't think he will ever play for the greatest club in the world ever, ever again. I don't think enough people realise that the most important position on a football pitch is right-back.
The best bit today was when Wayne showed that nobody from that nothing club who was boss when he pushed him in the face. And the big ninny fell to the ground! Though now Wayne will probably be banned for six months because he's Man United and everyone picks on Man United. Sir's right - there is a conspiracy. And we all know why don't we? J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.
Monday
Sir says I can't play tomorrow either. Cried myself to sleep last night and gave mum a Chinese burn because she was the one who let me go out without a coat to the chistening - which gave me the sniffles.
I can't even go to Birmingham and am stuck at home watching MUTV and my DVD collection: 'Manchester United - The Treble' (starring Gary Neville), 'Manchester United - The Pride Of All Europe' (starring Gary Neville), 'Manchester United - Top Strikers' (co-starring Gary Neville) and 'Scousebusters '85 - Manchester United v Merseyside' (not starring Gary Neville but Gary Neville's favourite).
Tuesday
Watched the Villa game in bed with my scarf and sang all the way through - mostly songs about me but some others about how we are the greatest football team the world has ever seen. It makes me laugh when I hear other fans singing that, because we all know they're wrong. It's so silly to sing things that aren't true.
I shed a few tears though when I saw John O'Shady (geddit?) playing again in MY position though it was even worse when he went off and Silly Billy Philly played. It's all very well him playing in central midfield, but right-back? I shall talk to Sir about selling him in January.
Rio left a message on my phone saying that because me and Djemba-Djemba have got flu then we must have been kissy-wissing. But I haven't kissed any boys. Not in real life.
Wednesday
The FA (which is run by Arse-nal fans) have charged Wayne, which is no surprise because everyone always picks on Man United because we are the best in the world and they are jealous and they think they can stop us but they can't because we are Man United and we are the best club in the whole world ever. It's always one rule for everyone else who are nobodies and another for Man United who are the best.
I might strike and refuse to play for England - which means that they would definitely not qualify for the World Cup - until the FA put Sir on the board and stop picking on us. I'm sure the other boys will back me. Though nobody's answering their phone at the moment.
Went on my favourite TV station - MUTV - and said exactly what I think. I wonder if they will release the interview on DVD.
Thursday
I'm in all the newspapers - Sir will be very proud of me. But they've all doctored the photographs and made it look like I haven't got a thick moustache at all. It's part of the conspiracy.
For those who have seen them, I hope you never tire from laughing at these ( I certainly don't )
For those who have read them and are yawning, don't bother flaming me, im fireproof.
The Gary Neville diaries
Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.
Saturday
Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.
Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.
Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.
Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.
Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should of won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.
Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.
Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.
Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.
Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
Thursday
Mum said I looked very handsome in my suit for the christening. It brought out my moustache. Victoria's (ugh) instructions were to dress down, but I know David would have wanted me to look smart. I didn't get an invitation but that's because you don't formally invite your closest friends. It's unspoken. Everyone knows that, though not the very stupid security man, who was probably an Arse-nal fan.
Still can't believe I wasn't godfather. Little Brooklyn and Romeo could have grown up to be just like their Uncle Gary.
Christmas Eve
I'm writing this under my Man United quilt cover with my Man United pen by the light of my Man United torch as Mum says that the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner he'll come. We left him a carrot and a mince pie and a glass of Lucozade (mum says he likes sherry but Sir says no drinking at Christmas. For the players anyway ;-))
Though of course I don't believe in Father Christmas. That would be silly. I just pretend for Phil's sake.
I wonder what he'll bring me - what do you get the man who already plays for the best club in the whole wide world ever?
Christmas Day
Apparently the man who already plays for the best club in the whole wide world ever gets socks. After I'd chased mum around the tree appealing her decision, she started crying and agreed to take them back to Marks and Spencers and swap them for some Man United socks. Result. But she should have known I don't wear anything without a club badge - she was the one who sewed them on my grundies.
Wonder if Sir will like his 'Sir And Gary' jumper. It took ages to knit and I used up seven balls of red wool for his face. And five balls of black wool for my moustache.
Gave dad 200 pounds - thought he might want to buy Phil for Bury.
Later: Sir says I might not play tomorrow because I've got the sniffles. I begged and said I would still play for the greatest club in the world if I only had one leg - which would still make me better than Phil and Klob-erson - but he said no. At least it shows he cares.
He didn't even mention the jumper :-(
Boxing Day
We were very, very, very lucky to get away with beating Bolton without me. The very average and lucky-to-ever-wear-the-sacred-red-shirt John O'Shea was run ragged and was definitely the weak link. I don't think he will ever play for the greatest club in the world ever, ever again. I don't think enough people realise that the most important position on a football pitch is right-back.
The best bit today was when Wayne showed that nobody from that nothing club who was boss when he pushed him in the face. And the big ninny fell to the ground! Though now Wayne will probably be banned for six months because he's Man United and everyone picks on Man United. Sir's right - there is a conspiracy. And we all know why don't we? J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.
Monday
Sir says I can't play tomorrow either. Cried myself to sleep last night and gave mum a Chinese burn because she was the one who let me go out without a coat to the chistening - which gave me the sniffles.
I can't even go to Birmingham and am stuck at home watching MUTV and my DVD collection: 'Manchester United - The Treble' (starring Gary Neville), 'Manchester United - The Pride Of All Europe' (starring Gary Neville), 'Manchester United - Top Strikers' (co-starring Gary Neville) and 'Scousebusters '85 - Manchester United v Merseyside' (not starring Gary Neville but Gary Neville's favourite).
Tuesday
Watched the Villa game in bed with my scarf and sang all the way through - mostly songs about me but some others about how we are the greatest football team the world has ever seen. It makes me laugh when I hear other fans singing that, because we all know they're wrong. It's so silly to sing things that aren't true.
I shed a few tears though when I saw John O'Shady (geddit?) playing again in MY position though it was even worse when he went off and Silly Billy Philly played. It's all very well him playing in central midfield, but right-back? I shall talk to Sir about selling him in January.
Rio left a message on my phone saying that because me and Djemba-Djemba have got flu then we must have been kissy-wissing. But I haven't kissed any boys. Not in real life.
Wednesday
The FA (which is run by Arse-nal fans) have charged Wayne, which is no surprise because everyone always picks on Man United because we are the best in the world and they are jealous and they think they can stop us but they can't because we are Man United and we are the best club in the whole world ever. It's always one rule for everyone else who are nobodies and another for Man United who are the best.
I might strike and refuse to play for England - which means that they would definitely not qualify for the World Cup - until the FA put Sir on the board and stop picking on us. I'm sure the other boys will back me. Though nobody's answering their phone at the moment.
Went on my favourite TV station - MUTV - and said exactly what I think. I wonder if they will release the interview on DVD.
Thursday
I'm in all the newspapers - Sir will be very proud of me. But they've all doctored the photographs and made it look like I haven't got a thick moustache at all. It's part of the conspiracy.