Is Losing Like Bereavement?

Franny Lee's Barrel Chest

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You might think not, and Bill Shankly famously said "Football isn't a matter of life and death...it's much more important than that". Most people take that statement with a pinch of salt and down the years it has been used over and over again to prove how people think too much about football and the fact that "It's only a game".

I've been thinking about this and although you cannot possibly compare losing a football match to losing a loved one, there are, actually, quite a lot of parallels. Who here feels thoroughly miserable if City lose a game, particularly in appalling circumstances? If you take the Kubler-Ross model of grief which explains how we feel when we are bereaved you can see the similarities. I'll try and put them into a footballing analogy to see if anyone has any thoughts. Apologies if anyone has lost anyone recently and finds this offensive. It's not meant to be.

1. Denial. At first people cannot believe that someone has died. In the same way, people cannot believe how we can have lost a game in which we had a half time lead and how badly we played to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

2. Anger. When someone dies, people look round for someone to blame. The hospital, the doctor, whoever. It's the same when you lose a game. Balotelli was shit, Kompany made a bad challenge, Why didn't Mancini bring on Aguero?

3. Bargaining. If only I'd have done this, or that, maybe they might not have died. In the same way, we move onto trying to analyse just what could have avoided that defeat. I'd do something different next time.

4. Depression. Once it sinks in that the person is no longer there, depression starts as life without that person is faced. In the same way, the loss of a trophy or 3 points is a hard knock to take and people are miserable for days.

5. Acceptance. In the end, you realise that the person isn't coming back and that life goes on. It's the same in football. What's happened has happened, nothing you can do about it, look forward to the next game.

It rather depends on how seriously you take your football I suppose, but I reckon lots of people go through that cycle after a loss. Let's hope there aren't too many this coming season.
 
Nothing like. Sunday was a kick in the bollocks, no doubt about it. But I lost my mother last year and the heartbreak was/is incomparable. It's true what they (yes, them again!) say; it really is ''only a game''.
 
jimharri said:
Nothing like. Sunday was a kick in the bollocks, no doubt about it. But I lost my mother last year and the heartbreak was/is incomparable. It's true what they (yes, them again!) say; it really is ''only a game''.

Obviously there is a sense of perspective here. In the absence of a real relationship/family loss, the football parallel is an acceptable analogy.

My Dad died over twelve years ago. Took me five years to reach the acceptance level.

I felt dreadful on Monday and did go through the five levels FLBC's post mentioned, albeit all over 48 hours.
 
Zubrman said:
jimharri said:
Nothing like. Sunday was a kick in the bollocks, no doubt about it. But I lost my mother last year and the heartbreak was/is incomparable. It's true what they (yes, them again!) say; it really is ''only a game''.

Obviously there is a sense of perspective here. In the absence of a real relationship/family loss, the football parallel is an acceptable analogy.

My Dad died over twelve years ago. Took me five years to reach the acceptance level.

I felt dreadful on Monday and did go through the five levels FLBC's post mentioned, albeit all over 48 hours.
I can see where the OP is coming from with his five stages. I was simply comparing the hurt I felt on sunday with the sense of loss I still feel over recent personal loss.
 
I hearwhat you are saying jimharri, and you are right of course, but I think FLBC is making an important point about the deep emotions involved when the club you love loses.

I think a broader and more applicable formulation could be 'coping with loss' rather than 'bereavement' but many of the emotions we feel in losing something (an important match for example) are the same as when we are bereaved, but of a much lower intensity.
 
jimharri said:
Zubrman said:
jimharri said:
Nothing like. Sunday was a kick in the bollocks, no doubt about it. But I lost my mother last year and the heartbreak was/is incomparable. It's true what they (yes, them again!) say; it really is ''only a game''.

Obviously there is a sense of perspective here. In the absence of a real relationship/family loss, the football parallel is an acceptable analogy.

My Dad died over twelve years ago. Took me five years to reach the acceptance level.

I felt dreadful on Monday and did go through the five levels FLBC's post mentioned, albeit all over 48 hours.
I can see where the OP is coming from with his five stages. I was simply comparing the hurt I felt on sunday with the sense of loss I still feel over recent personal loss.

And commiserations, of course, to you for your loss. I wasn't trying to downscale your feelings.
 
I can assure you its nothing like it.

By the time I got home from Kings Cross on Sunday night I was over it.

I am still trying to come to terms with the death of my Dad in June, he died at 63 an I am 30 so should have had many years ahead of us. I have no idea how long it will take, if ever. I will always miss him yet am no longer arsed about Sundays result and won't be thinking about it when i get married in October, at Christmas, Dads birthday or any other significant moment in my life when I could do with the words of wisdom you only get from your Dad.

How a lost football match can be compared to losing a loved one is beyond me.
 
Cake said:
I can assure you its nothing like it.

By the time I got home from Kings Cross on Sunday night I was over it.

I am still trying to come to terms with the death of my Dad in June, he died at 63 an I am 30 so should have had many years ahead of us. I have no idea how long it will take, if ever. I will always miss him yet am no longer arsed about Sundays result and won't be thinking about it when i get married in October, at Christmas, Dads birthday or any other significant moment in my life when I could do with the words of wisdom you only get from your Dad.

How a lost football match can be compared to losing a loved one is beyond me.

As I said, it's not a direct comparison per se, but a parallel that we go through the same five levels of feelings, as the OP said, but on a totally different scale.
 
just stop and think
its easy if you have kids and a wife

i was always pump when we lost i just hate losing to anybody even more losing to utd but think something like a smile from your kids brings it back home
 
ancoats said:
just stop and think
its easy if you have kids and a wife

i was always pump when we lost i just hate losing to anybody even more losing to utd but think something like a smile from your kids brings it back home

Exactly! It's all down to scale.

My wife and kids are away on holiday. I go out and join them next Monday.

So my feelings yesterday, having had the euphoria of being in Wembley stadium, having a pint at half time, two-nil up, was hit really hard and I had no liddle-uns to hug me better.

Scale.
 
I'm obviously not a true City fan then as I only ever go through depression and acceptance when it comes to us losing.

Actually, that is probably because I am a City fan and have been for many years so immune to the rest of it.

I'm certainly not immune when it comes to a death of a friend or family member.
 
BlueMo' said:
jimharri said:
Nothing like. Sunday was a kick in the bollocks, no doubt about it. But I lost my mother last year and the heartbreak was/is incomparable. It's true what they (yes, them again!) say; it really is ''only a game''.
citysix said:
i was over it today so i had a shit 36 hours.



Both of these.

Each to their own.
 
Well Im still feeling; let down,depressed,angry,flat,miserable,grumpy,listless and ..........bitter.
Im in the mourning stage still.
So Im going to have a wake, where I consume huge quantities of beer to destroy my memory bank, and then move on.

If City buy Nasri it'd help - bit like the girl on ET wanting a new goldfish after dog dies!
 
Franny Lee's Barrel Chest said:
5. Acceptance. In the end, you realise that the person isn't coming back and that life goes on. It's the same in football. What's happened has happened, nothing you can do about it, look forward to the next game.

It rather depends on how seriously you take your football I suppose, but I reckon lots of people go through that cycle after a loss. Let's hope there aren't too many this coming season.

I tend to jump straight to this one when MCFC suffer a reverse. Found over the decades that it's by far the easiest to accommodate and much gentler on the nerves.
 
No comparison for me whatsoever.
I lost my Mum not too long ago. Whereas I think about her every day, Sunday's match had no more effect on me than hearing that we lost any other pre-season friendly.
 
Hi was angry for about 10mins and then I read some of the anit Balo etc posts on here and thought it could be worse I could be one of them! And no losing is not like an bevreament. When you lose someone dear you can never replace them but with football you can always win the next game.
 
Stupid question.

My bad mood from losing lasts about ten minutes and then i can snap out of it as it's just a sport. If I lose someone dear to me, touch wood, it'd shape my life.

The millionaire footballers go home and live in their mansions - so why should I stay angry?
 
Didn't the Yanks Ryder Cup Captain once say "Losing is worse than dying - you have to live with defeat!"

Think this must have been Ferguscum's half time team talk theme!

Not at all bothered about losing on Sunday - just no more two goal leads thrown away this Season please boys - even better if we start pulling some deficits back, although I would prefer it if we didn't need to, obviously!
 

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