joke

[bluemooncol]

My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young".

I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now."

 

[bluemooncol]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

 

[sdm]

2 pubes on a toilet seat, one got pissed off.

 

[Newlunar]

Steven Hawking was admitted to hospital last night after going on a date.
He now has a fractured skull, broken arm and severe cuts and bruises.



Apparently she stood him up.

 

[jimharri]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[remoh]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Har, ha,ha, ha, harrrrrrrr, beat that one!! Love it.

 

[Newlunar]

I've just seen Michael Shields on telly wearing a Free Steven Gerrard T shirt.

 

[jimharri]

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "So what is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:






"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE".

 

[kronkonite]

An elderly gentleman walks up to the gates of the Whitehouse to be challenged by a big Marine corporal; "Can I help you sir?"
"Yes," says the visitor, "I'd like to see President Bush."
"I'm sorry sir but Mr Bush is no longer the president."
The old man turns around and walks away.
The following day there he is again, ambling up to the Whitehouse gates to be greeted by the same corporal. "Good morning sir. Can I be of assistance?"
"Yes. I'd like to see President Bush."
"Well, as I told you yesterday sir, Mr Bush is no longer in office."
Again the old-timer walks off, only to return yet again the following day to ask the self-same question.
"Well, sir." says the Marine "As I told you yesterday and the day before; Mr Bush is no longer president of the United States. Do you have a problem with your memory sir?"
"No Corporal," says the old man "My memory is fantastic for a man my age and I know very well that Bush is no longer president. I just like hearing people say it."
"Well Sir." Says the Marine. " See you tomorrow!"