ColinBellsjockstrap
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 23 Dec 2009
- Messages
- 8,468
Superstition:
I knew I guy who was born on the 13th.
He met his girlfriend on the 13th
They got married on the 13th, had a lovely 13 day honeymoon, too.
13 weeks later and she ran off with the Aberavon Rugby League team.....
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.
"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.
"No" I replied,
"The s****s got my pizza."
I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'
A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them s**t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s**t."
"It was my first day with the hook."
As I tried to explain to the policeman, my doctor told me to take one tablet a day.
The Apple Store are still prosecuting for the iPads I stole though.
I knew I guy who was born on the 13th.
He met his girlfriend on the 13th
They got married on the 13th, had a lovely 13 day honeymoon, too.
13 weeks later and she ran off with the Aberavon Rugby League team.....
I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.
"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.
"No" I replied,
"The s****s got my pizza."
I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired.'
A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them s**t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird s**t."
"It was my first day with the hook."
As I tried to explain to the policeman, my doctor told me to take one tablet a day.
The Apple Store are still prosecuting for the iPads I stole though.