Age: 21.
Appearance: Confusion with a haircut.
Which Mario Balotelli are we talking about here? There's more than one Mario Balotelli?
I'm sure I've read about six or seven. Really?
Sure. One's a young and incredibly talented footballer who plays for Manchester City and scored two of the team's six goals against rivals Manchester United in a paradigm-shifting game on Sunday. That's this one. Who are the others?
One's a generous and eccentric millionaire who walked out of a casino one night and handed £1,000 in cash to a homeless man. Also this one. And the others?
An easily angered simpleton who garnered 4.4m views on YouTube after spending a minute and a half on camera trying and failing to put on a bib? Same guy.
A daft young lad who nearly burnt down his house throwing fireworks out of a bathroom window with his mates at 1am? Still this guy. That was on Saturday morning.
I thought he played in a match the next day. He did. Throwing fireworks out of windows at 1am is just how he relaxes before a game. Any more?
A boy racer found at the scene of a car crash with £5,000 in his pocket? Same guy.
Well, what about – I'll stop you there. It's almost certainly him. In fact, the weirder and wilder the story, the more likely Balotelli's involved, be it touring Naples with the mafia, throwing darts at young footballers or taking a truanting schoolboy back to class and confronting the kid's bully.
What about the young wildlife enthusiast I met on a walking holiday in the Lake District? Especially him. As well as a footballing genius, a reluctant bib-wearer and a midnight arsonist, he's known as a passionate nature lover and a regular visitor to safari parks.
So there really is only one Mario Balotelli? Yes. And one's enough.
Do say: "He's as good as a young Eric Cantona …"
Don't say: "and as weird as an old Paul Gascoigne."