Crazy innit. The last remnants of my even temper walked out of the room when I hit 41, 42. I'm tempted to rage about most anything these days. If I do, I just have to listen to myself to literally think - eh? Who said that? Where the fuck did THAT come from? I've never had THAT attitude my whole life! Am I being funny or something, and just forgot I was joking?
Makes me feel wierd. If I let go, I'd be a genuine bawling maniac in about two weeks. No way back. It's that sort of burn your bridges damn the world slam the doors shut thinking that just comes out of nowhere and leaves you imprisoned in fear, paranoia and confusion. Making your own problems out of thin air.
If I didn't know men when through this kind of moody bullshit in their 40's... if I wasn't living on my own, if I had other people tolerating me... rather than being left with my own thoughts, to reflect on my own attitude, and to pull myself back into the world on a daily basis, I think I might have fallen for it wholesale.
No way, no way on earth, I want someone else to wind me up in that way. Just say no. Don't watch others who are trying to teach you how to make problems for yourself. They are just actors. People putting on a show. Nearly all of them are not into anything they say. They'd do whatever got the views and attention. They just want to get paid.
