Police complaint letter

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AlthamBlue

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Sorry if already posted, had this emailed to me, good for a laugh
This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr ??????,
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I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
Click to expand...
 
Here is a my letter of complaint when i moved into my last military quarter......

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to lodge a complaint with the service you provide. I moved in to this property on the 17 July 2009 and to date have found numerous problems which require carrying out.

The list thus far consisting :

1. Property found not to be at the required cleanliness on move-in.
2. Garden lawn requires re-turfing.
3. Garden patio consists of un-even surface and cracked slabbing.
4. Water stop-tap missing handle.
5. Bathroom extractor fan unserviceable.
6. Downstairs toilet leaks.
7. Upstairs toilet leaks.
8. Kitchen tap leaks from base when turned on.
9. Downstairs toilet sink has no hot water supply.

As I’m sure your computer systems will show you, some of this work has been carried out in full, but not without their own problems…..

1. Cleanliness of property - This problem has not been resolved. On moving into the property it was noted that the property had not been cleaned prior to our arrival. I am sure you are aware of the stringent inspection that we, as occupiers, undergo to hand-over our previous property to Defence Estates, cob-webs removed, cupboards immaculate, carpets vacuumed, all surfaces free from dust and all windows clean, inside and out. None of this had been done prior to my Move-in.

2. Garden lawn - This is currently near completion, however, it has taken 3 visits from ISS to complete this task. Attempt number 1 saw the contractors quite simply lay 3 random rolls of grass on patchy areas on my lawn, without even using a Rotorvator to help embed the grass.

3. Garden patio - This has not been resolved and I have had no further information as to when it will be getting completed.

4. Water stop-tap - This problem has been resolved, however, it took 2 plumbers 3 visits to render the problem. Being from an engineering background myself, I was quite flummoxed when watching your tradesmen attempt to fix a brass tap handle, of the wrong size, onto the base and shear the handle in two…on 2 separate occasions. On visit number 3, they quite resourcefully brought the correct handle size.

5. Bathroom extractor fan - This fault has been rectified and the electrician was most helpful.

6. Both toilets, kitchen tap and no hot water supply - These faults have not been rectified. The plumbing appointment for these tasks was 13 August 09, between 0830 - 1630. Having sat until 1610, and with no sign of the plumber, my wife decided to quickly grab some milk from the local shop. On her return some 10 minutes later, she found a yellow slip stating that we had missed our appointment. To her dismay, she telephoned your helpdesk in an attempt to locate the plumber and to hopefully allow him to come and carryout the repairs, unfortunately she was informed that this would not be possible as no work can be carried out after 1630. Not being a plumber myself, and from my previous experience with the water-stop tap, I’m pretty sure you don’t employ a plumber who can rectify 2 leaking toilets, a leaking kitchen tap and a sink with no hot water supply in 15 minutes. Sarcasm aside, would the plumber really have downed tools at 1630 if he had only just arrived at his place of work, and if this is the case indeed, why bother attending a job when you know you will have to make another appointment at the expense of the customer? Furthermore, upon our original booking of these jobs we were given an all-day slot due to the number of tasks at hand!

As you can imagine, both my pregnant wife and myself are getting extremely frustrated with MHS efforts. So far to date, we have been house-bound for 8 days due to work which has/is being carried out. We have experienced one no-show from ISS (12 August) and numerous misspent visits from your tradesmen. There is also the unresolved matter of the cleaning to which I carried out myself, the price for the cleaning of a 3 bedroom house is in the region of £300!

On our move-in we were accompanied by the DE Housing Manager for Arborfield and Roy Pearce for MHS. Both the cleanliness and garden issues can be acknowledged by the DE Housing Manager, whilst Mr. Pearce has been found by myself to be a person who has a tendency to forget about work that has been raised to his knowledge.

Our patience is, quite frankly, at its limits. With the birth of our first child expected within the next 2 weeks, I and more importantly, my wife can do without implications and un-wanted hassle.

Yours

Kinkladze:-)
 
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