Here are some from my memory banks. My adult local football career started around 1979 and lasted until about 1990, when I started refereeing. I played in one of the Manchester Sunday leagues, but mainly in the Altrincham League (Saturday) and the Manchester Saturday Morning League.
Once playing at Knutsford Town, the Knutsford defender hit a goal line clearance. I was running forward, and met the ball just inside the opponent’s half (I was about 5 yards over the half way line, in the centre circle). My header flew back towards the goal, where the defender was standing on the goal line. The ball went about a foot over the cross bar. I was gutted it wasn’t a goal. It would have been one of the longest headed goals in history.
I once headed a corner out from within my own six yard area. Nobody collected the header, so I chased it out, ran the length of the field beating all challenges, rounded the ‘keeper and scored off the post. It was like one of those home runs in American Football, where the receiver collects the ball in his own end zone, and runs the length of the field for his touchdown.
In the Altrincham League, one of our defenders picked up the ball at right back, but was facing in field, being challenged by attackers. He beat his first man, but came against another attacker. He beat him as well, and came up against another opponent. This run continued and he had got himself free of challenges, but he was well within his own penalty area. He managed to make time and space for a clearance, but having no left foot, he tried to get his right foot on the inside of the ball to curve it away to the left wing area. However, his unfortunate lack of Brazilian technique meant that he misjudged the clearance. Instead of left spinning the ball and curving it to the right, he hit it with his instep and curled the ball right into the top corner of his own goal. The end result was so comical – beating three attackers only to his an unstoppable own goal. Every player on the pitch, and the referee, just burst out laughing. Take a bow, the legend that is Johnny Allott.
Once at Hough End, our striker and his mate lost interest in the game. It was around the time of that Harry Enfield sketch where olden days footballers all ran round in black and white movie footage. Well, at about our ninth kick-off of the afternoon, the two of them decided to play Harry Enfield style 1930s football. One of them took it too far though. With his shorts around his knees and his shirt pulled as far down as it would go, he ran around in fast motion with straight arms and legs. His shirt rode up though, and there was our centre forward running around Hough End playing fields with his shorts around his knees, no undies, and everything on show. The referee sent him off for flashing.
Does anyone remember that referee who instead of booking players for dissent, would get a set of joke teeth out of his pocket, and place them on his hand to chatter back to the players?
I remember incidents when players would chase referees after the game. In fact it nearly happened to me once. I had to get escorted safely from the ground by the away team, who weren't as unhappy with my performance.
I once refereed in the Manchester Amateur League up in Bury. A couple of the players ended up in a confrontation, and I sent one of them off. He went off, then ten minutes later ran back on the pitch holding the top end of a broken glass bottle, and went for the player he had the confrontation with. Luckily, his teammates restrained him and no damage was done. Someone called the police though, and by the time they arrived, the player had scarpered.
I reported the matter to Manchester County FA, and was surprised to later receive a summons to a hearing - the player had denied the charge. I parked up at Brantingham Road, and there in the car park were the manager and coach of the player’s team, and they were briefing another lad on the story he had to give at the hearing. They didn't recognise me as I was wearing specs instead of contact lenses I wear whilst refereeing.
The story they concocted was that the player I sent off was not the player named on the team sheet, but was an imposter who had used another name in order to get a game of football. He had played a quarter of a season under this other name, but since the sending off had disappeared never to be seen again. The person in the hearing was the victim of identity theft. He also played non-league football for Caernarvon Town, in the Unibond League.
It was such an obvious made up load of cock and bull, but he got off with the charge because County could not prove his story to be untrue. They didn’t allow me to ask any questions. I would have asked him about Caernarvon Town, as I was a linesman in the Unibond League, and had officiated there a few weeks earlier.
Playing for PZs once, our player kicked an opponent as hard as was physically possible, in his balls. The lad must have been in absolute agony. One opponent said he would kill our lad once he got up, and the response was that he wouldn’t be getting up from that kick any time soon, which was probably true. Our player was sent off, and made himself scarce in case the lad recovered before the end of the game. It still makes my eyes water thinking about this 30 years on!
