Another week, I wonder what fun and games the Tory Government have in store for us this week.
Sajid Javid will want to make his mark, look out for him promising 100,000 new hospitals to be built by 3087 and a promise to increase nurses pay by an extra 2p per annum.
Michael Gove will be uncovered as a secret Satanist who practices the slaughter of children in Hyde Park.
Priti Patel will be the victim of a media sting where she is filmed laughing at drowning children in the channel whilst she masturbates furiously with a John Holmes replica dildo stuck up her fat lardy arse.
It will be revealed that John Redwood has been having an affair with a turtle called Timmy
Jacob Rees Mogg in a fit of pique will announce he is leaving his wife and strangely named children and moving in with nanny so he can still suck on her titties.
Matt Hancock will come clean about his love affair and admit he is turned on by the thoughts of shagging in front of camera's and he had installed them himself so that Esther Mcvey could see what shagging was.
It will be uncovered that Dominic Raab is actually a thunderbirds puppet operated by Rupert Murdoch
Liz Truss will be photographed bribing the Kwasi Kwarteng into being her gimp, Truss dressed as a headmistress will be filmed spanking Kwasi with a damp copy of the Daily Mail as Kwasi shouts "one more please mistress"
Gavin Williamson will leave government and be returned to Broadmoor when it is found out he escaped dressed as telly tubby in 2007. Gavin it will be revealed was in Broadmoor because at the age of 14 hewas diagnosed with a severe condition called "stupidity" and was locked up for his own safety.
Robert Jenrick, the reverse Robin Hood will be seen on the streets of Nottingham dolling out handfuls of taxpayers money to people in fur coats and who drive Ferraris
Grant Schapps will change his name once again and become Brenda Braithwaite a crossdressing fantasist from Birmingham. He will claim she was cancelled and revert back to whatever his real name is.
The affable Brandon Lewis will be found to having a penchant for immersing himself in the detritus of sewage farms. Taking stinking and talking shit to whole new levels.
The pipsqueak Oliver Dowden will talk about the time when his union jack underpants were raised up on the school flag pole by a group of girls who laughed at his willy which lead to his fetish for wanking over flags.
And as for Johnson...You cant really make anything up about that fucking idiot because it will probably be true.
www.independent.co.uk