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You've done the easy bit, hardest bit is to come by sticking with your decision... get out and about as much as poss, change your phone no etc. Otherwise she'll make your life a misery cos she'll never change and prob get worse, I speak from experience.
 
Defo getting rid is the best thing, an ex of mine when we first got together was highly insecure, lacking confidence, withdrawn, wouldnt socialise etc, but was totally obsessed with me... phoning/texting me every 10 mins whenever i wasnt with her, declaring she 'loved' me after a fortnight together! Completely suffocating me.

By the time we split 4 years later she was over confident/arrogant, big headed, opinionated, totally in love with herself and was quite obviously only with me for what she could get out of me (roof over her head, all bills and mortgage paid for by me etc)

Ive never seen such a complete transformation in someones personality, still dont know if the whole "lacking confidence" thing was just a big act to suck me in and get her feet under the table or what?
All my friends and family hated her by the end and said how stupid i was for sticking with her as long as i did.
 
I think you've been a bit harsh...

The woman obviously has a problem owing to previous relationships and she now has a state of mind that means that any other woman is a threat, and she seems to have not only an insecurity about her man leaving her, but also a low esteem. This is a mindset and you and her talking about it won't necessarily solve the issue. Sometimes you can't even watch women on TV without comments about how you fancy them.

I think if you've tried talking to her and that's not worked, the problem is not in your own relationship as such, but her own state of mind. In this scenario, I would suggest that you suggest to her that she undertakes counselling to deal with this insecurity and low esteem angle. Sometimes people need help, although one of the problems is people accepting that they need help. If they realise they need help, and will accept help, there might be a way forward.

You say that you want to stay with her, but obviously not in the situation you were in before. You seem to care about her, otherwise you would have stuffed her stuff in bin bags and wouldn't have said you wanted to stay with her.

Tell her that you want to stay with her, but the current situation is untenable, and she needs to seek help about her insecurities from a qualified counsellor as you can't live with her the way she is. Tell her that if she loves you and wants the relationship to work, she needs to seek that help. If she's willing to do that, then there is a way forward, and if you have patience and understanding, and she comes through it and loses these insecurities, then you could be happy together. If she buries her head in the sand and refuses any help, then unfortunately, it will be a bit like having a classic car which you'd always wanted, but having bought it, you realise that you're never going to get it to go, so reluctantly you have to take it to the scrap yard. In the same way, despite how you care about her, if nothing is going to change her mindset, and she isn't willing to seek help and if if you can't deal with it, then you have to say a reluctant goodbye.
 
Lancashire Blue said:
I think you've been a bit harsh...

The woman obviously has a problem owing to previous relationships and she now has a state of mind that means that any other woman is a threat, and she seems to have not only an insecurity about her man leaving her, but also a low esteem. This is a mindset and you and her talking about it won't necessarily solve the issue. Sometimes you can't even watch women on TV without comments about how you fancy them.

I think if you've tried talking to her and that's not worked, the problem is not in your own relationship as such, but her own state of mind. In this scenario, I would suggest that you suggest to her that she undertakes counselling to deal with this insecurity and low esteem angle. Sometimes people need help, although one of the problems is people accepting that they need help. If they realise they need help, and will accept help, there might be a way forward.

You say that you want to stay with her, but obviously not in the situation you were in before. You seem to care about her, otherwise you would have stuffed her stuff in bin bags and wouldn't have said you wanted to stay with her.

Tell her that you want to stay with her, but the current situation is untenable, and she needs to seek help about her insecurities from a qualified counsellor as you can't live with her the way she is. Tell her that if she loves you and wants the relationship to work, she needs to seek that help. If she's willing to do that, then there is a way forward, and if you have patience and understanding, and she comes through it and loses these insecurities, then you could be happy together. If she buries her head in the sand and refuses any help, then unfortunately, it will be a bit like having a classic car which you'd always wanted, but having bought it, you realise that you're never going to get it to go, so reluctantly you have to take it to the scrap yard. In the same way, despite how you care about her, if nothing is going to change her mindset, and she isn't willing to seek help and if if you can't deal with it, then you have to say a reluctant goodbye.
Click to expand...

Do you have heavy periods?
 
Ha, superb post there Lanc Blue....

TBH most of what you've said i've already worked out, and I am willing to support her with counselling (which she agreed on, so she does acknowledge her problems) but time will tell.

I made her leave as she has this possesive love which ain't healthy, if she truly loved me then she would stay with me no matter where she lived.
if she can switch this possesive love and change her insecurities then great i'll let her move back in with me, but time will tell.
 
Thanks Ste, much appreciated.

If she's accepted the counselling help, then it's a step in the right direction. Living apart is perhaps the best idea at present, as she needs to get rid of some of the possessiveness tendencies you're experiencing before you can spend a lot of time together. Hopefully she is understanding of your feelings of being suffocated and realises that this time apart is for the best until the professional help has started to work. Once it does, I'm sure things will improve greatly.

She won't change straightaway, but as long as you both know each others points of view and are understanding of them, then there is hope.
 
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