Repeating the same old story we've seen a dozen times. New manager comes in, they play out of their skins for him, they get a couple of big scalps, they finish in the European places, they start dreaming of winning titles again, saying "That's the proper Manchester United way". Then a few months go by, their new signings aren't bedding in, those same players who were playing out of their skins a few months back begin looking bored and stop putting effort in again, then they start losing at home to shit teams and getting battered on the road, the discontent grows amongst the fans, Scholes and Neville start moaning in the media on a loop, and the manager gets the chop.
Moyes comes in and wins the Community Shield in his first game. They batter Swansea 4-1 on the opening day of the season. Everything looks rosy. United are simply never going to go away. Ferguson knew what he was doing when he hired that genius Moyes. Then the results turn sour, Moyes says the team needs to improve in a number of areas, the mouthpieces in the media crawl out of the woodwork, reversing opinions they had less than six months ago, and Moyes gets the chop. Giggsy comes in until the end of the season and has a few fans claiming he should get the job.
Van Gaal comes in. He signs a load of youngsters. Has them 3rd in December and gets them back into the Champions League at the first time of asking. Here we go. United are back. This is the proper Manchester United way. Van Gaal just gets United. Then results fall away in the second season, not one outfield signing performs well, and even winning the FA Cup against a mid-table side in the final isn't enough to save his job.
This time it's Mourinho. Now there's a football genius. He'll send Pep scurrying away from England with his tail between his legs. United win their first three league games at a canter. Jose's playing the way that United should, woah yeah. Something tells me we're into something good. A European trophy and a domestic cup in his first season, Pogba and Ibrahimovic are going to take United back to the top. Here we go. They're back. Mourinho finishes his 2nd season on 81 points, 19 behind Centurions City. Mourinho calls it his greatest ever achievement. Hm, that's a bit embarrassing. Oh, and they lose the FA Cup final as well. And then the cracks start showing, so Mourinho digs in, makes the place more toxic, and eventually gets sacked.
Now Ole's at the wheel. Only as an interim, mind you. But he'll rid Old Trafford of Mourinho's toxic fumes in a matter of days by playing the Fergie way. He wins all six of his first six league games in charge and gets them into the next round of the Champions League after a big scalp at PSG. Rio Ferdinand slams that piece of paper on the table and says "Give Ole whatever he wants". United listen. Their plans for Ole to be an interim manager are dumped in an instant. Ole signs the contract and immediately loses 6 of the next 9 games. Still, he's beaten City a couple of times and gets United to three semi-finals in 2020. He even goes one further and gets United to a Europa League final, but David De Gea loses them that final on his own so it's three seasons without a trophy for Ole. They're lacking discipline, they don't look coached properly, the players are ruling the roost and downing tools whenever they feel like it. United get battered 5-0 by Liverpool and 4-1 by Watford in the space of three weeks and that's that.
What they really need is an ideologue. Someone who can coach. Someone who knows tactics. Michael Carrick wins 2 of his 3 games as caretaker, including a 3-2 win over Arsenal. They get in experienced tactician and know-it-all Ralf Ragngick as interim. He won't take any shit. Ronaldo is back and dominating. It's all part of the masterplan. Rangnick wins 7 of his first 12 games in charge, including a 4-2 battering of Leeds. Fans wonder if they've unearthed another gem of a manager who was only meant to be there on an interim basis. "Give Ralf a contract!" they shout. Until they lose 6 of their last 12 games of the season, get battered in the derby, and stumble from 4th to 6th, missing out on Champions League football again.
Yeah, Ten Hag. That'll do it. A proper coach. A proper tactician. He'll get the boys organised after Ole's disorganised shitshow. He gets them to 3rd in the PL and wins the League Cup in his first season. This is the one. Ten Hag's here, the glory days are back. He's kicked that ungrateful bastard Ronaldo into touch. Rashford's playing again. Champions League football is back at Old Trafford. They win the Old Trafford derby. Watch out City. The sands in Manchester are shifting back to where they were 10 years ago. They're gonna stop City's treble charge and win a cup double. Oh, that didn't happen. Oh well, they're still back. Oh, they're out of the Champions League with our worst ever group stage performance. Oh god they've finished 8th, their lowest position for a generation. Let's get Ten Hag out and find a real motivator. Someone who really knows what he's doing. It's time for a change. Oh, Ten Hag's beaten a knackered City in a cup final. Best keep him.
Oh god Ten Hag's dropped us to 14th. Yeah. Sack him. I know we decided to keep him five months ago but we've decided against that now. Change is needed. Let's get Ruud in as a caretaker for a bit, get some of that Fergie magic back again. See, a 75% winrate, that's what Ruud brings. A perfect appointment to tide them over until we get Amorim. Now, Amorim. There's a proper manager. City were looking at him to replace Pep. Omar Berrada has put a good word in. Oh, Dan Ashworth has resigned. Didn't they just hire him? Oh, he left because he didn't like Amorim? Well tough shit, Amorim's just battered Everton 4-0. He's the guy you want. Sod Ashworth. What's that? United are slipping to 15th? Well, can you blame Amorim? Look at what Ten Hag did. Amorim is going to need time to turn this around. He won a derby - let's give him time.
See, United back up to 5th. They're on the way back. Fighting for European spots again and before long we'll be back in the Champions League. Amorim is finally showing flexibility. His signings are bedding in. What, Amorim's been sacked? Why? He fell out with the board? The board that lost a prize asset about 12 months ago because Amorim was hired? Well, he was dogshit anyway and we've got Fletcher coming in as interim. More of that Fergie magic is going to come back to Old Trafford. Oh, he's shit. Right. Erm. Michael Carrick. Yeah, Michael Carrick! That's the guy. But just an interim for now. Oh my god he's beaten a depleted City side and a nervous Arsenal team. Should we give him a full contract this weekend? The players seem to like him and he's bringing that Fergie magic back. We're in a fight for top four. Let's pull the trigger. But Rio Ferdinand hasn't told us to on TV? Oh, best wait then.
