Write a story in less than 500 words

I once met a Rag on holiday who was wearing a bucket hat , I called him Pat the bitter rag twat .He got very shirty with me in his Brummie accent , so I told him to fuck off you plastic glory hunting ****.
The end
 
The oven had reached it's appropriate heat, and the dough had started to rise. Here he was again. A corporate ladder climber, yet deep down knowing he lacked the actual fibre to acquire genuine friends.

Darren placed the loaf into the oven and put his head into his hands. A daytime tantrum over supposed lack of work appreciation had done it again and he had a meltdown infront of the boss, and team members. It was time yet again to bake a Loaf of Apology. All would be forgiven, at least by him. The team would get the shits and blame it on too much coffee, Darren knew the secret was really a full bottle of Lactulose poured into the mixture. He couldn't wait for the next update call with US management, where only he would be present to his superiors.

"Don't know why they're all off Kevin, they don't have our work ethic"


(Aside from the poisoning, I really met this creepy bastard at work and he did bake me a loaf. Names changed.)
 
once upon a time,there lived a handsome ramp agent,one day after unloading a plane he was asked to go up to the terminal as a very well known actress wanted to say hello, happily he skipped gayly up the air bridge steps, his heart beating powerfully in his firm strong chest, where he was met by the actresses assistant, hi peace she said,a wonderful looking 50 something year old, dark hair tied back and dark rimmed glasses twinkling under the terminal lights, her partly open shirt reveal a heaving bosom , my name is ivana ,ive been asked to take you into the private lounge ,someone would love to meet you,he followed the shapely assistant ,he couldn't take his eyes off her firm bottom as it waggles to and fro in her figure hugging skirt, he actually got a stirring in his ample manhood , a manhood once described as like a babys arm holding a satsuma , he hadn't had one of those since the champions league final, he entered the lounge, on a table in front of him was a feast fit for a king, trays of puddings,mounds of chips, a huge bowl of mushy peas ,and gallons and gallons of gravy in cut glass gravy boats , the door to the lounge kitchen opened and a swedish looking lady in full maids outfit came in with a silver tray of bread and butter, she gave me a cheeky wink, as the maid passed ivana they got a little too close and you could see the attraction in both of their eyes.

fuck ive run out of words
I can always extend it to 1000 words....
laugh.gif
 
Once upon a time, there were two prawns , one was called Dave, the other was called Christian. They bobbed around on the sea bed, but one day Dave decided he was getting bored. “I am fed up with being a prawn, I want to be a shark”. Christian was shocked but Dave had made up his mind. Christian suggested that Dave went to see Cod, which he did, and Cod agreed that Dave should become a shark, and that is what Dave became. Dave loved the thrill of being a shark, and he got so excited he decimated the prawn colony. A few weeks later he reflected on what he had done, and went back to Cod to ask if he could revert to his former identity. This was agreed, and he went back to his former home. Christian was one of the few survivors of the prawn colony, Dave bobbed along to apologise to Christian, but Christian turned away “you destroyed our home and killed our family and friends”. Dave replied “But Cod made me a prawn again, Christian”
 
The Blind Date

Emma had never been on a blind date before. She was nervous and excited. Her friend Rachel had set her up with a guy named Matt, who she said was perfect for her.

"He's smart, funny, handsome, and he loves dogs," had told her. "You'll have a great time with him."

Emma trusted Rachel's judgment, but she still wanted to see for herself. She googled Matt's name and found his Facebook profile. She scrolled through his photos and liked what she saw. He had a nice smile, a fit body, and a cute dog.

She decided to give him a chance.

She agreed to meet him at a coffee shop near her apartment. She arrived early and waited for him. She checked her phone and saw that he had texted her.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm wearing a blue shirt and jeans. Where are you?"

She looked around and saw a man wearing a blue shirt and jeans. He was sitting at a table near the window. He had a nice smile, a fit body, and a cute dog.

He looked just like his photos.

She smiled and walked towards him.

"Hi, are you Matt?" she asked.

He looked up and smiled back.

"Hi, are you Emma?" he asked.

"Yes, I am. It's nice to meet you," she said.

"It's nice to meet you too," he said.

They shook hands and sat down. They ordered their drinks and started chatting.

They hit it off right away. They had a lot in common. They both liked books, movies, music, and dogs. They both had a good sense of humor. They both felt comfortable and relaxed with each other.

They liked each other.

They talked for hours, until the coffee shop was about to close. They decided to continue their date somewhere else.

"Hey, do you want to go for a walk?" he asked.

"Sure, that sounds nice," she said.

They got up and left the coffee shop. He held her hand as they walked down the street. She felt happy and warm.

They walked for a while, until they reached a park. They saw a bench and sat down. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. She leaned on his shoulder and sighed.

They kissed.

They liked it.

They kissed some more.

They liked it more.

They were interrupted by a loud bark.

They looked up and saw his dog staring at them with an annoyed expression.

They laughed.

They liked laughing together. They talked for a long time, each others jobs, families, lives..

Eventually Matt asked if they could go back to his place. Emma was slightly unsure but decided another drink would be ok but she wasn't gonna jump in the sack with him.........well not today anyway..

They got up and walked towards his car. He opened the door for her and helped her in. He got in the driver's seat and started the engine.

He looked at her and smiled.

"I'm really glad Rachel set us up," he said.

She looked at him and smiled back.

"Me too," she said.

She paused and frowned.

"Wait, Rachel? Who's Rachel?" she asked.

He paused and frowned too.

"Rachel? Your friend? The one who gave me your number?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"I don't have a friend named Rachel," she said.

He shook his head too.

"I don't have a friend named Rachel either," he said.

They stared at each other in confusion.

Just then a strange looking man came into view, walking along with the same dog that barked at them, he had a bluetooth speaker in his backpack. He smiled at them both, they recognised the music being played, it was the theme from "The Twilight Zone"......


:)
 
The Blind Date

Emma had never been on a blind date before. She was nervous and excited. Her friend Rachel had set her up with a guy named Matt, who she said was perfect for her.

"He's smart, funny, handsome, and he loves dogs," had told her. "You'll have a great time with him."

Emma trusted Rachel's judgment, but she still wanted to see for herself. She googled Matt's name and found his Facebook profile. She scrolled through his photos and liked what she saw. He had a nice smile, a fit body, and a cute dog.

She decided to give him a chance.

She agreed to meet him at a coffee shop near her apartment. She arrived early and waited for him. She checked her phone and saw that he had texted her.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm wearing a blue shirt and jeans. Where are you?"

She looked around and saw a man wearing a blue shirt and jeans. He was sitting at a table near the window. He had a nice smile, a fit body, and a cute dog.

He looked just like his photos.

She smiled and walked towards him.

"Hi, are you Matt?" she asked.

He looked up and smiled back.

"Hi, are you Emma?" he asked.

"Yes, I am. It's nice to meet you," she said.

"It's nice to meet you too," he said.

They shook hands and sat down. They ordered their drinks and started chatting.

They hit it off right away. They had a lot in common. They both liked books, movies, music, and dogs. They both had a good sense of humor. They both felt comfortable and relaxed with each other.

They liked each other.

They talked for hours, until the coffee shop was about to close. They decided to continue their date somewhere else.

"Hey, do you want to go for a walk?" he asked.

"Sure, that sounds nice," she said.

They got up and left the coffee shop. He held her hand as they walked down the street. She felt happy and warm.

They walked for a while, until they reached a park. They saw a bench and sat down. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. She leaned on his shoulder and sighed.

They kissed.

They liked it.

They kissed some more.

They liked it more.

They were interrupted by a loud bark.

They looked up and saw his dog staring at them with an annoyed expression.

They laughed.

They liked laughing together. They talked for a long time, each others jobs, families, lives..

Eventually Matt asked if they could go back to his place. Emma was slightly unsure but decided another drink would be ok but she wasn't gonna jump in the sack with him.........well not today anyway..

They got up and walked towards his car. He opened the door for her and helped her in. He got in the driver's seat and started the engine.

He looked at her and smiled.

"I'm really glad Rachel set us up," he said.

She looked at him and smiled back.

"Me too," she said.

She paused and frowned.

"Wait, Rachel? Who's Rachel?" she asked.

He paused and frowned too.

"Rachel? Your friend? The one who gave me your number?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"I don't have a friend named Rachel," she said.

He shook his head too.

"I don't have a friend named Rachel either," he said.

They stared at each other in confusion.

Just then a strange looking man came into view, walking along with the same dog that barked at them, he had a bluetooth speaker in his backpack. He smiled at them both, they recognised the music being played, it was the theme from "The Twilight Zone"......


:)
man that was boring
 
I entered this short story into a competition a while ago: it had to be 2000 words or less, and had to contain the phrase: "That's not how cookies are made!" So, with a lot of editing .....

Cookie Dough​

David grinned, “It’s not like stealing a diamond, is it?”

Jerry knew it wouldn’t matter if the bosses rumbled his plan to pass source code to their fiercest rival.

“Got your instructions?” David asked. Jerry gave a silent nod.

“This guy’s sound, but he’s a little unorthodox,” David continued, glancing each way down the corridor as if checking for eavesdroppers.

“I just have to meet him and wait for the passphrase?” Jerry hissed, his stomach lurching. “What happened on your drop?”

A smile split David’s face. “Let’s just say it involved a roller-skating nun on Deansgate.”

This had disaster written all over it Jerry thought as he stopped at Tesco to pick up some cookies, before heading to Piccadilly. He sat down on the bench described in the instructions, the packet of cookies in his lap.

Damn, it was cold today. He felt sorry for the homeless guy rifling through a litter bin. He felt sorry for anybody who spent time in the cold, miserable hell that the concrete-clad Piccadilly had become. His sympathy didn’t extend to the guy with the briefcase, yapping noisily into his phone.

After staring for too long at a woman in yellow Lycra, Jerry was shocked to see that the homeless guy, a dead ringer for Jeremy Clarkson, had taken a seat on the bench.

“I need this bench to myself for a while,” he whispered.

“It’s a free country,” Clarkson replied, tugging at his straggly beard.

“Look, how about I buy you a pasty?” Jerry offered.

“I don’t like pasties.”

Great. He seemed to have run into the world’s fussiest bum!

Clarkson seemed fixated on the cookies. One minute to go. There was nothing for it, so Jerry opened the packet. Clarkson took the cookie and proceeded to examine it as if it were a piece of fine jewellery before taking a bite. “Too fuckin’ hard. I prefer it softer.”

The guy was a bloody food critic now!

“That’s not how cookies are made!” Clarkson added, jabbing a gloved finger at the offending confectionery.

That’s not how cookies are made! The passphrase! Clarkson was the contact!

“Okay, okay,” Jerry stammered. He cursed himself and imagined Clarkson silently chiding him for sloppy tradecraft. Fumbling in his pocket, he eventually found the USB drive. Clarkson took the USB and examined it in much the same way as he had the cookie.

“Are we good?” Jerry asked nervously.

“I might be able to trade it for a few quid,” Clarkson snorted, rising to his feet. “Have yourself a merry Christmas, mate,” he added as he shambled off.

Not being familiar with the intricacies of industrial espionage, Jerry didn’t know what that meant. Would he get the money? At this point, the man with the briefcase finished his call, walked over and eased himself into the seat vacated by Clarkson.

Taking a surreptitious glance at the cookies, he cast a steely glance at the would-be traitor before saying, “That’s not how cookies are made!”
 
The Downpour Paradox

On a stormy night in the small town of Willowbrook, a man named Henry Cole huddled in his dimly lit apartment, his heart pounding against his chest like the relentless rain on his windowpane. Ever since a traumatic incident in his childhood, Henry had developed an inexplicable fear of rain, an irrational terror that ruled his life.

As a child, Henry had been caught in a flash flood that swept through the town, turning the streets into raging rivers. He had witnessed the devastation the water could bring, and the memory had haunted him ever since. The mere sight of raindrops triggered a panic that made him want to hide, to run away from it all.

Years had passed, but Henry's fear only intensified with each approaching storm. He would cancel plans, call in sick to work, and isolate himself in his apartment, the walls of which became both his sanctuary and his prison.

One day, fate intervened when a letter arrived at his door, summoning him for jury duty. Henry felt trapped, torn between his obligation as a citizen and his debilitating fear. Yet, something inside him urged him to face his terror, to break free from the chains of his past.

Reluctantly, Henry arrived at the courthouse on a rainy Monday morning. As he walked through the heavy wooden doors, he noticed a poster advertising a lecture on "Conquering Your Fears" by renowned psychologist Dr. Michael Grant. Intrigued, Henry decided to attend the lecture after jury duty.

In the courtroom, the case of a young man accused of stealing had already begun. The rain continued to pour outside, but Henry's attention was solely focused on the proceedings. He listened intently to the testimonies and evidence presented, trying to distance himself from his own fear.

As the trial unfolded, Henry noticed that the defendant, a timid-looking young man named David, seemed as terrified as he was. Henry saw a reflection of his own anxieties in David's eyes and felt a strange sense of empathy toward the accused.

When the jury deliberations began, Henry couldn't escape the intrusive thoughts that the heavens would soon open up and wreak havoc on the town. But he persevered, drawing strength from the knowledge that he wasn't alone in his fears.

After hours of intense deliberation, the jury reached a unanimous decision – David was innocent. Tears streamed down the young man's face as he thanked the jurors for giving him a chance at redemption.

As Henry left the courthouse, the rain had stopped, and a beautiful rainbow arched across the sky. The sight was both mesmerizing and liberating. He remembered Dr. Grant's lecture and decided to seek guidance to overcome his fear finally.

In the following weeks, Henry attended therapy sessions with Dr. Grant. The psychologist patiently helped him confront the root of his phobia, teaching him coping mechanisms to navigate his fear of rain. As Henry opened up about his childhood trauma, he learned that facing his anxieties head-on was the key to breaking free from their shackles.

As time passed, the town of Willowbrook witnessed a change in Henry. He no longer hid from the rain but embraced it as a natural part of life. His newfound confidence led him to explore the world beyond his comfort zone, traveling to places he had only dreamed of visiting.

One evening, as the rain poured outside, Henry sat in a cozy café with a hot cup of coffee, peacefully watching the droplets dance on the window. He realized that conquering his fear had not only set him free but had also opened a world of opportunities and experiences he never thought possible.

In overcoming his terror of the rain, Henry discovered that sometimes the most challenging storms we face are the ones within ourselves. And by confronting those fears, we find the courage to weather any storm that life throws our way.
Very good but I am a bit confused,
Henry Cole is one of my favorite TV presenters, he presents a few shows including The motorbike show, Shed & Buried & Find it Fix it Flog it along with his good friends Allen "Milly" Millyard, Guy Wilson & Fuz Townsend (who was the drummer in the band pop will eat itself & lives near me),
Henry also produced a terrible film called "Mad dogs & Englishmen" which starred the rather fragrant & lovely Lizz Hurley but as far as I know Henry is not & never was afraid of a bit of drizzle so is it the same bloke?
 

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