Viz

Biggest Hockle

Whilst taking a lunchtime stroll from his local pub to the bookmakers on September 8th 1973, Patrick O'Dougle (GB) (1932-1974), a 180-a-day smoker (untipped) stopped momentarily on a street corner in Tipton, West Midlands, to eructate. The record breaking greb he produced was the size of a fully grown tabby cat and was described by horrified witnesses as looking a bit like black cauliflower cheese

-- Mon Aug 27, 2012 4:24 pm --

Longest wheel spin

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mk II Ford Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green, Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped off twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off

-- Mon Aug 27, 2012 4:25 pm --

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to the 17th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes & toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chundered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.<br /><br />-- Mon Aug 27, 2012 4:26 pm --<br /><br />Hedgerow erotica

The greatest amount of torn-up pornography found under a single hedge was collected by 15 boys from The Airedale Secondary Modern School in Yorkshire (GB). During a field trip to the Meikleour Hedge in Perthshire, Scotland (GB) on 1st October 1983, the excited youngsters harvested 2,032kg 4480lb of shredded bongo mags. For the coach journey home, each child was carrying an estimated 135 kg 298lb of porn up his jumper.
 
Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract,and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjIncorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.oining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lampposts
Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 People, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Physiology
Testicular pressure

The greatest internal pressure sustained in a pair of testicles is one of 65 atmospheres 955lb/in2, or approximately 49,400 mm of mercury at sea level, in the scrotum of the the pop singer Sir Cliff Richard (GB), following a 45-year build up of seminal fluid. This is equivalent to six times the pressure currently bearing down on the hull of RMS Titanic. It is estimated that were Mr Richard to ejaculate, the resulting jizzbolt would attain a peak altitude of 335m 1100ft, comfortably clearing the TV mast on top of the Eiffel Tower
 
Lancet Fluke said:
I always liked Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar.

[bigimg]http://farm1.static.flickr.com/4/4149893_9d04c14b11.jpg[/bigimg]
Click to expand...


Surely, Paul Whicker is the City fan, having a Basil Fawlty moment with his scarf and the seat, just before THAT goal.

Back on track, my faves
Bertie Blunt, his parrot's a ****
Billy Quizz
Roger Irelevant ("conifer tree, you're no more a conifer tree than I am"...genius)
Hugh Phamism
Raffles
and too many more to mention

Best ever Ad was for the Temprance Spoon "One Whack, It's On The Slack"

Best Article "My sex life with TV's Puppets" (a deranged woman, who thought she'd slept with the Clangers, Zippy and George, Sooty)

Not bought it for about 10 years. Full of adverts and the strips weren't funny
 
absolutley nothing to do with the op but when i click on the thread title it asks me to log in to a site.its only on this thread. chris au portfolio website or something.i tried copying and paste but a box comes up saying This site has not been reported as harmful or fraudulent.

Please report this site if you believe it should be blocked.
 
10576917_755970954464354_1304406504815547493_n.png
 
I saw this thread the other night at 4am or so, went to youtube to drifted off listening to Baz shag the fat slags silly.

Nothing beats the viz for a bit of sunday morning potty reading. I may do as another lad has done and buy a load of old ones dirt cheap on ebay. They will remind me what cunts i still need to hate.
 
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