I'd just like to take a minute to sincerely thank UEFA.
In a season that feels like a disappointment in the wake of failing to maintain the borderline impossible standards we set ourselves in the two years prior, your absolutely embarrassing ineptitude has ended up inadvertently making me feel back on top of the world.
I'd also like to thank the eight clubs who sought to have our appeal rejected and the supporters of those clubs who really tried their hardest to wish a guilty verdict into existence. A special mention also goes to Jose Mourinho, Jurgen Klopp, Hans-Joachim Watzke and Javier Tebas. Your pathetic desperation, willful ignorance and inability to keep your traps shut for a mere couple of weeks has now provided me with a second day of laughs and celebration.
Fuck you and goodnight.