Thanks for your honesty and courage.
I have never had any kind of experience that I would remotely describe as 'religious' but am not dismissive of reports of what are known as mystical experiences.
John's gospel is regarded as the most mystical of the gospels ('I am in the Father and the Father is in me and I am in you' - that sort of thing).
However, if the universe has its own intelligence I doubt very much that it is personal. The problem of evil does it for me too: there's simply too much pointless suffering in the world, and every last drop of it has to have significance if you are a theist, whereas in Buddhism it's just part of the territory and the starting point for the investigation of reality through meditation (not that I am a Buddhist, though).
There's actually a remarkable film about conversion that I only saw last week: Leon Morin, Priest.
It's set during the period of the occupation in wartime France. The main character is a widow, an atheist and communist sympathiser who slips into the local Catholic church intending to take the piss out of one of the resident priests and gets more than she bargained for.
The director is Jean Pierre-Melville, a right-leaning Jewish atheist who is more renowned for his unconventional, existential gangster/heist movies. Melville was a big influence on directors like Tarantino.
Anyway, it's well-worth checking out. It's the only film I have ever watched that makes Theology interesting (I hated teaching most aspects of it). Plus, for a 1961 film there's some content that wouldn't be out of place in Viz Comic.
The evil and suffering point is a really good one and it’s one concept I struggled with the most, as well as hell. Babies dying of dysentery, among other things, is something that I really struggled to reason within a concept of an omnipotent and benevolent creator.
I have, however, come to the conclusion that within the world, there needs to be pain and suffering and consequence, for us to have free will and for the appreciation of what’s good, we need the bad.
Adding to that, the world is fallen because of man’s actions and sins. We’re all guilty of committing these sins and the reason evil reigns in the world, is because of us.
We also have the power, especially in richer countries, to stop suffering and yet the majority look out for number one.
Natural things is hard to get your head around. 9/11 is easy to explain, everyone must have free will and evil men have free will to commit evil and their consequences in a free world, must happen, for it to be free. Same with Covid-19, it’s the fault of men doing what they shouldn’t and the consequences have happened.
You can choose the light or darkness.
What I still struggle with is children born with awful diseases and genetic conditions, or a tsunami killing thousands of people. I am not one that says “God works in mysterious ways” as that’s a cop out, I am honest to say I just don’t know why those things happen but understanding an infinite being, is always going to be incredibly difficult for a finite man such as myself.
If you believe in Christianity, you know that God Himself suffered unimaginable pain by sending his only begotten Son to be tortured and humiliated, so to give us the chance to be with Him again, when we don’t deserve it.
Despite the selfishness and immorality of men, God is still willing to suffer beside us, for us.
I love the Gospel of John, it’s like a love letter and I would recommend reading Luke first, as it’s more comprehensive and detailed and then move on to John after that. Matthew is obviously aimed at Jewish people a bit more and convincing them.
Thank you for the recommendation, I’ll definitely check that film out, is it on Sky, Netflix or Amazon?
