Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I have an empty school hall for sale.

Assembly required.

 

[Lavinda Past]

For Sale: Hot cakes.

Sorry sold out.

 

[Lavinda Past]

What do we want?”
“Anagrams!”
“What-ho! Wet, new mend?”
“Own!”

 

[Lavinda Past]

I remember my first blind date... my mate said "she's a lovely girl but I must tell you she's expecting a baby".

How silly did I look sitting there in a nappy all night?

 

[KS55]

A group of men have been convicted of stealing roof joists in South Wales.

The press have labeled them the Tenby eight.

I can’t slate that one.

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

I like Bovril as a hot drink, and, at 62,I’m only considered a junior male of the FOC club.

I had a bad feeling before the Watford game. I was asked if I wanted milk in the Bovril!

 

[Vienna_70]

I had a bad feeling before the Watford game. I was asked if I wanted milk in the Bovril!

The youth of today, eh?

 

[lefty goldblatt]

I remember my first nine dates, when I started to see the present Mrs Goldblatt

It was eight meals out, and a trip to the cinema to see a superhero film.

So that's

Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Dinner
Batman

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just joined an amateur autopsy club.

I'm looking forward to open Mike night on Friday.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I saw the doctor today...

I explained I had an unfortunate rash round my privates, dropped my pants to show him, and asked if he could give me some cream for it..

He completely blanked me and just walked off pushing his trolley round Asda.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

 

[Moddsblue]

I had a bad feeling before the Watford game. I was asked if I wanted milk in the Bovril!

I was asked the very same question at a champions league game last year. Maybe it's a thing! Who knows?

 

[Lavinda Past]

There was a race in Alaska between two men, one on a sled with a team of huskies, and the other in a 4x4.

The man on the sled won. He was mush faster.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was asked the very same question at a champions league game last year. Maybe it's a thing! Who knows?

It would probably be £7.50 for a mediium cup in Starbucks.

I wonder if they'll do an iced version?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I had a strange dream last night in which I invented a colour that no-one had ever seen before.

Then I woke up and realised that it was just a pigment of my imagination.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[citymad]

Fella goes into the cafe and said to the big ugly bird behind the counter….

”Is that right ? Cheese roll 20p, ham roll 30p and a wank £10?

“yes” she says.

“Do you do the wank?“

“yes” she says.

“Well, wash your hands and get us a cheese roll.”

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

I was asked the very same question at a champions league game last year. Maybe it's a thing! Who knows?

The counter assistants must think that Bovril is some form of coffee!

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Uwe`s Grandad]