Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
BBC News - Plumber acquitted of having sex with a customer's dog.
Confirmed to have been Corgi registered
Confirmed to have been Corgi registered
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate just got a few days work as a gravedigger. Unfortunately, it's not long term.
He's just filling in for someone
He's just filling in for someone
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Two blokes meet on the street.
One of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How the hell could it have been worse?" asked his bewildered friend.
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
One of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How the hell could it have been worse?" asked his bewildered friend.
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
Big Swifty
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 8 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 4,481
bladdered
Well-Known Member
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I hear that there was a fight over starters in an Indian restaurant in Buenos Airies last night.
A bit of Argy Bhaji
A bit of Argy Bhaji
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A Police Officer escaped a custodial sentence despite being found guilty of two sexual assaults on a 14 year old girl in Tesco.
Fucking hell, that Clubcard scheme has got out of hand.
Fucking hell, that Clubcard scheme has got out of hand.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A solicitor woke up in the hospital after surgery.
He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?”
The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?”
The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
Top bloke Mike.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
For sale: stage backdrop, £25
Sold as scene
Sold as scene
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I was out walking with my mother and I noticed this girl I used to date walking towards us.
As she approached, I started itching all over, madly scratching my arms and legs. Once the girl went past, I managed to stop itching.
“What was that all about?” my mother asked.
“Don’t worry, it was just my ex Ma” I replied.
As she approached, I started itching all over, madly scratching my arms and legs. Once the girl went past, I managed to stop itching.
“What was that all about?” my mother asked.
“Don’t worry, it was just my ex Ma” I replied.
johnny crossan
Well-Known Member
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
(As someone swiftly pointed out though, prisms refract.)
What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp!
To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
(As someone swiftly pointed out though, prisms refract.)
What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp!
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A man moves into a new apartment and goes down to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.
As he’s doing so, a stunning young woman steps out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing nothing but a robe.
She flashes him a warm smile and strikes up a conversation. As they chat, her robe slowly slips open, revealing that she’s wearing absolutely nothing underneath.
The poor guy starts sweating and struggles to keep eye contact.
After a few minutes, she gently places a hand on his arm and whispers, “Let’s go inside—I hear someone coming…”
Without hesitation, he follows her into the apartment. She closes the door, leans against it, and with a sultry look, lets the robe fall completely open.
“Tell me,” she purrs, “what would you say is my best feature?”
The guy, now a nervous wreck, stammers, clears his throat, and finally blurts out, “Uh… your ears!”
She looks absolutely baffled. “My ears?! Look at these boobs—perky, natural, no sag! My butt? Firm, flawless, zero cellulite! My skin? Perfect, no blemishes! Out of everything, WHY would you say my ears?!”
Still flustered, he clears his throat again and mutters, “Because… when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”
As he’s doing so, a stunning young woman steps out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing nothing but a robe.
She flashes him a warm smile and strikes up a conversation. As they chat, her robe slowly slips open, revealing that she’s wearing absolutely nothing underneath.
The poor guy starts sweating and struggles to keep eye contact.
After a few minutes, she gently places a hand on his arm and whispers, “Let’s go inside—I hear someone coming…”
Without hesitation, he follows her into the apartment. She closes the door, leans against it, and with a sultry look, lets the robe fall completely open.
“Tell me,” she purrs, “what would you say is my best feature?”
The guy, now a nervous wreck, stammers, clears his throat, and finally blurts out, “Uh… your ears!”
She looks absolutely baffled. “My ears?! Look at these boobs—perky, natural, no sag! My butt? Firm, flawless, zero cellulite! My skin? Perfect, no blemishes! Out of everything, WHY would you say my ears?!”
Still flustered, he clears his throat again and mutters, “Because… when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate's 4 year old was struggling to open a yoghurt lid today when he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!"
His wife immediately looked at him and said, "I wonder where he got that from?"
My mate said, "The fucking fridge, you silly ****!"
His wife immediately looked at him and said, "I wonder where he got that from?"
My mate said, "The fucking fridge, you silly ****!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A 16 year old lad tells his parents he just had sex for the first time...
His dad's pleased - "I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day" he says.
The lad replies, "That's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it right now anyway!"
His dad's pleased - "I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day" he says.
The lad replies, "That's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it right now anyway!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Gary Barlow has blocked me on Twitter...
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it...
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it...
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?"
He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat ****!"
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?"
He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat ****!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
An 8 year old got sent home from school for saying the c word!
His dad said, "It's not clever is it?"
He said, "No dad, it wasn't. It was ****!"
His dad said, "It's not clever is it?"
He said, "No dad, it wasn't. It was ****!"
