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2 utter wastes of life if you ask me. One lying, odious, narcissistic prick and one stark raving mad, gun-toting, paranoid maniac. This shouting contest made me remember how much I hate Piers Morgan and the loony american right. Hateful swines.

Vegas; make sure you visit 'Sapphire' - the biggest strip joint there, literally open 24/7 365 days a year. Make sure you go at night, though. I'm sure the girls they have on during the day are dragged off the street. Come to think of it, they had cocks, too. On second thoughts, don't go. I've...

The scene in Shawshank when the sisters finally get their way with Andy. What a beautiful scene; full of romance, passion, lust. What a lucky, lucky man Andy Dufresne was; to have all those compassionate inmates looking after him. Send me to Shawshank anyday based on that advert for love.

Get Liam Neeson on it. If your son's an attractive, teenage american girl then he'll be sure to get him back.

My woman is a deaf mute, she wouldn;t have told you anything. She can't even use sign language as her hands were destroyed in a freak yachting accident. She's terribly unfortunate; cracking arse, though.

No, my friend assured me that he was a real police officer. Tight blue shirt, hot pants, steel codpiece, cowboy boots and a ribbed, pink truncheon. Standard Ecquadorian police attire, I think you'll find.

Spurious.

A friend of mine was travlling around South America for 6 months earlier this year. Near the end of his trip he was in Ecquador where one night he was accosted by 2 men: one was a police officer and another was in plain clothes. They bundled him into their car and took him to the nearest cash...

I've had a penis enlargement. Now I'm 4 inches (hard) and I'm a proud man, again. No more tweezers for me.

Hey now. I shan't hear a bad word said against Ruth Jones; she's my prize truffle snuffler. Made me thousands, that lass.

Well pointed out; I always thought the same thing. Can't possibly have anything to do with the colour of their skin, nationality or religious background. . . . .

No matter how tempting it is you should never try to fuck your booze. It all overflows due to water displacement (a theory realised by Archimedes when he, contrary to popular belief, tried to make love to a clay cup of wine and subsequently lost the contents of the bottle to a rather unsatisfied...

I still prefer this sultry piece.

Salford rules. First one to be knocked out with any ball inside the sock of the opponent wins. Brutal.

In the future we'll all be floating around on hover shoes wearing nothing but enhanced reality goggles. We won't have any genitalia as it we will have been genetically modified by the NWO who plans to replace physical reproduction with a digital transaction based on an accumulation of credits...

Kicking inflatable footballs out of football.

Deal. I'll meet you at the Spoons in Piccadilly Gardens. I'll be the one with a Guiness and a blue WKD chaser. Oh, don't bother shaving your legs, we're gonna get real primeval

You seem like a classy bird. I got some coupons from the Sun to see the new production of Les Misérables at the Queen's Theatre on the West End next week. White tie do, champagne reception followed by a Michelin starred meal. You free?

That's the one. Good lord, I just want to kidnap her, put her in my soundproof basement keep her there for 23 years. We'd have so much fun together.