A Proud Day - updated - page 4.

[Rascal]

Inspired by Kev’s exploits of two years past, I some six months ago embarked on an intensive Rocky-esque training programme (hill sprints; piggy-backing a rucksack full of Beano’s; three legged shuttles with a scarecrow) designed to ensure I peak perfectly for the summer sports day season. I should point out at this stage that I don’t have any kids, but unperturbed I approached this insignificant obstacle much like one I would face in the race, and overcame it deftly...by incapacitating my sister, thus enabling me to attend my nieces event as her familial representative – result!

After doing my scientifically substantiated stretches in the comfort of my own home (away from the envious eyes of my ‘competition’), I strode down to the school with a spring in my step, basking in the sunshine - whose glow was much the same as the one I was set to radiate in comprehensive victory. Even the small talk at the gates, with the parents I have no desire to socialise with, was pleasantly tolerable from within my bubble of self belief. Assembling on the touchline I surveyed my rivals (obviously after first checking to see if the teacher was attractive – she was) and let out an audible squeal/ guffaw of delight/contempt at their collective feeble athletic frames.

I’m sure therefore you can quite imagine my chagrin when, after enduring half an hour of insufferable technique and non-exsistent tactical nous from these pathetic primary age ‘sports people’, I was informed in idle conversation by the blatant bottle merchant to my right that there would be, and I quote, ‘No parents race’!!!*

I’m afraid to say from the point on things were a bit of a blur and... well it didn’t end in amicable fashion. I still maintain that I didn’t deliberately trip up that marathon girl in the home straight, but I do have a vague recollection of hurling numerous bean bags at the cowering head teacher, which I’ve been told was just after I took a set of garden sheers to the tug-o-war rope, but before I was led away kicking and screaming with a sack race sack over my head and a hula hoop constricting my arms.

Anyway not to worry, I’m sure they’ll re-instate it next year.

*I did ask if there was an Uncle's race instead but I think I'd punched him before he had chance to respond.

This is the sort of thing that is ruining sport in this country.

Truly shocking they cancelled the race. Imagine the furore if Andy Murray had turned up at Wimbledon only to be informed there was no Mens tournament this year. Imagine if Bradley Wiggins had turned up at last years TdF only to be informed it was cancelled and being replaced by a beret hurling competetion. Sportsman who train need to be given the stage they talent deserves. Shands you deserve that stage

 

[Shands]

Inspired by Kev’s exploits of two years past, I some six months ago embarked on an intensive Rocky-esque training programme (hill sprints; piggy-backing a rucksack full of Beano’s; three legged shuttles with a scarecrow) designed to ensure I peak perfectly for the summer sports day season. I should point out at this stage that I don’t have any kids, but unperturbed I approached this insignificant obstacle much like one I would face in the race, and overcame it deftly...by incapacitating my sister, thus enabling me to attend my nieces event as her familial representative – result!

After doing my scientifically substantiated stretches in the comfort of my own home (away from the envious eyes of my ‘competition’), I strode down to the school with a spring in my step, basking in the sunshine - whose glow was much the same as the one I was set to radiate in comprehensive victory. Even the small talk at the gates, with the parents I have no desire to socialise with, was pleasantly tolerable from within my bubble of self belief. Assembling on the touchline I surveyed my rivals (obviously after first checking to see if the teacher was attractive – she was) and let out an audible squeal/ guffaw of delight/contempt at their collective feeble athletic frames.

I’m sure therefore you can quite imagine my chagrin when, after enduring half an hour of insufferable technique and non-exsistent tactical nous from these pathetic primary age ‘sports people’, I was informed in idle conversation by the blatant bottle merchant to my right that there would be, and I quote, ‘No parents race’!!!*

I’m afraid to say from the point on things were a bit of a blur and... well it didn’t end in amicable fashion. I still maintain that I didn’t deliberately trip up that marathon girl in the home straight, but I do have a vague recollection of hurling numerous bean bags at the cowering head teacher, which I’ve been told was just after I took a set of garden sheers to the tug-o-war rope, but before I was led away kicking and screaming with a sack race sack over my head and a hula hoop constricting my arms.

Anyway not to worry, I’m sure they’ll re-instate it next year.

*I did ask if there was an Uncle's race instead but I think I'd punched him before he had chance to respond.

This is the sort of thing that is ruining sport in this country.

Truly shocking they cancelled the race. Imagine the furore if Andy Murray had turned up at Wimbledon only to be informed there was no Mens tournament this year. Imagine if Bradley Wiggins had turned up at last years TdF only to be informed it was cancelled and being replaced by a beret hurling competetion. Sportsman who train need to be given the stage they talent deserves. Shands you deserve that stage

In their defence Rascal the race wasn't 'cancelled' as such... in a slight oversight on my part I may have neglected to check that their was such a race in the first place.

HOWEVER how difficult can it be to cobble one together! They copped out because they were intimated by my innate prowess with a upturned bench and a scramble net! The only consolation to be taken from the whole debacle is the knowledge that Kev was able to crush the couch dwellers of Humberside and demonstrate what us true athletes are capable of.

 

[Rascal]

In their defence Rascal the race wasn't 'cancelled' as such... in a slight oversight on my part I may have neglected to check that their was such a race in the first place.

HOWEVER how difficult can it be to cobble one together! They copped out because they were intimated by my innate prowess with a upturned bench and a scramble net! The only consolation to be taken from the whole debacle is the knowledge that Kev was able to crush the couch dwellers of Humberside and demonstrate what us true athletes are capable of.

Slight oversight or not is surely missing the point my friend.

If the worlds best 50 golfers happened to turn up at Cheadle Golf course im sure the Cheadle Open could be arranged post haste.

If Jessica Ennis turned up at a BM piss up we would have her stripped to her racing knickers and an impromptu hurdling event between her and GDM could be arranged no problem

 

[Cellarite]

In their defence Rascal the race wasn't 'cancelled' as such... in a slight oversight on my part I may have neglected to check that their was such a race in the first place.

HOWEVER how difficult can it be to cobble one together! They copped out because they were intimated by my innate prowess with a upturned bench and a scramble net! The only consolation to be taken from the whole debacle is the knowledge that Kev was able to crush the couch dwellers of Humberside and demonstrate what us true athletes are capable of.

Slight oversight or not is surely missing the point my friend.

If the worlds best 50 golfers happened to turn up at Cheadle Golf course im sure the Cheadle Open could be arranged post haste.

If Jessica Ennis turned up at a BM piss up we would have her stripped to her racing knickers and an impromptu hurdling event between her and GDM could be arranged no problem

Maybe you could travel to Humberside next year Shands and pretend to be the Uncle of my kids. We might have to face each other in the final but it'd be the most anticipated British race since Coe v Ovett.

Either that or egg the windows of the school responsible for your disappointment in protest.

 

[another generation]

Maybe you could travel to Humberside next year Shands and pretend to be the Uncle of my kids. We might have to face each other in the final but it'd be the most anticipated British race since Coe v Ovett.

Am I going to have to supply two teams of Scandinavian supporters, one for each competitor? Have you any idea?

 

[Shands]

In their defence Rascal the race wasn't 'cancelled' as such... in a slight oversight on my part I may have neglected to check that their was such a race in the first place.

HOWEVER how difficult can it be to cobble one together! They copped out because they were intimated by my innate prowess with a upturned bench and a scramble net! The only consolation to be taken from the whole debacle is the knowledge that Kev was able to crush the couch dwellers of Humberside and demonstrate what us true athletes are capable of.

Slight oversight or not is surely missing the point my friend.

If the worlds best 50 golfers happened to turn up at Cheadle Golf course im sure the Cheadle Open could be arranged post haste.

If Jessica Ennis turned up at a BM piss up we would have her stripped to her racing knickers and an impromptu hurdling event between her and GDM could be arranged no problem

Maybe you could travel to Humberside next year Shands and pretend to be the Uncle of my kids. We might have to face each other in the final but it'd be the most anticipated British race since Coe v Ovett.

Either that or egg the windows of the school responsible for your disappointment in protest.

I'm not going to lie Kev, the prospect of high end competition does appeal greatly; however as I'm fairly sure that posing as an unknown Uncle at a random primary school is a fast track to the sex offenders register, and given I suspect egg and spoon race has a whole different connotation when residing at her majesty's pleasure, I'll have to decline your excellent proposal.

Stand down additional Scandinavian's, you're not required at this time.

 

[another generation]

Stand down additional Scandinavian's, you're not required at this time.

Wilco.