Away ground 'TOILET' comedy gold stories...

[Mike D]

I met a Blue once in the pub who admitted he pissed himself when dickov scored the equaliser at Wembley.

Fair play to the lad, that shows passion.

I have to admit I didn't initially piss myself, but did have long trickle down my leg running back to my seat just after Dicky scored.<br /><br />-- Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:12 pm --<br /><br />Did anybody ever drop an anchor down at poo bay in the shitter with no door in the Kippax. I've never been that desperated but I've seen many a poor fooker laying one in there.

 

[colinbellsballboy]

I left a pair of shitty grundies once in the cistern,at the Villa pub(home fans only) in 1996...we got relegated,i've never left a present since.

 

[EVILBLUEANT]

Toilet story - not city related but thought worthwhile sharing.

I had a big meeting with a major important client.

The meet was at his premises somewhere south of buxton at 9am. He is very rich and spends most of his time on his yacht in the med. He wanted me there prompt so we could have the meeting and he could fly back to the med early afternoon.

i had had a curry the night before and felt fine setting off from my house but going over the hills i felt the first twinges of stomach cramp.

By the time i got there i was desparate for a crap.

I walked in a ten to 9 and client said "Good your early we'll get started".

I said i would just like to use your toilet and went off to the bog which was at the very far end of the building.

I dropped my trolleys and as soon as i was sat i empied my guts big style.

Then my heart sank - that horrible felling as i realised there was no paper.

It was the cleanest barest toilet i had ever seen.

No towels . No bin . Nothing. Just 3 walls a door a toilet and a wash basin.

I decided that walking back up to the other end of the building with my pants around my ankles asking for toilet paper would not give a good impression.

Looked at my watch 8-55am. Think quick.

Decided had no option. Took off my shoes and socks.

Wiped with one sock and then rolled it up inside the other.

Stuffed the sockball into my pocket. Shoes back on and then did one of the most important meetings of my life (for 3 hours) with shitty socks in my pocket.

There is a field between buxton and manchester where to this day a pair of my socks are slowly bio-degrading.

Yeah its called Glossop nowadays

 

[muscles]

Went to Bolton years ago, at the old ground, (Burnden Park) Seven of us in a Fiat Panda. We were all pissed up after a good morning on the drink at the Stoneys in Timperley. Car broke down on Barton bridge, but we got there eventually. Anyway, it was pissing down and we were in the open end. After 25 minutes of getting pissed on at a mind numbing match, I piped up I needed a piss. Lo and behold, all my mates went to the bog at the same time. Steve fucking Daley scored the only goal of the game while we were in the bog. Car fucked, piss wet through. Happy days.

 

[JC2]

Went to Bolton years ago, at the old ground, (Burnden Park) Seven of us in a Fiat Panda. We were all pissed up after a good morning on the drink at the Stoneys in Timperley. Car broke down on Barton bridge, but we got there eventually. Anyway, it was pissing down and we were in the open end. After 25 minutes of getting pissed on at a mind numbing match, I piped up I needed a piss. Lo and behold, all my mates went to the bog at the same time. Steve fucking Daley scored the only goal of the game while we were in the bog. Car fucked, piss wet through. Happy days.

Typical City! No thought for the fans....fancy scoring then!

Can't begin to imagine how many times i've missed goals due to trips to the khazi. Best has to be me brother tho who managed to see only one goal out of six scored in a 4-2 win.

 

[Cake]

My first ever City game was against Leicester at the old Filbert Street ground (What a shithole the away stand was), It was in November 1994, I was 13 and my little brother was 11. Come half time we both needed a piss so Dad took us to the toilets, the place was ankle deep in piss and there were people pissing up the wall of the back of the stand, it was fucking rank.

Dad, God rest his soul, picked us up under our armpits and waded through the piss so we didnt have to, let us go to the loo then carried us back. Poor old sod spent the 2nd half with piss soaked shoes, socks and jean bottoms!

 

[Bistoblue]

Toilet story - not city related but thought worthwhile sharing.

I had a big meeting with a major important client.

The meet was at his premises somewhere south of buxton at 9am. He is very rich and spends most of his time on his yacht in the med. He wanted me there prompt so we could have the meeting and he could fly back to the med early afternoon.

i had had a curry the night before and felt fine setting off from my house but going over the hills i felt the first twinges of stomach cramp.

By the time i got there i was desparate for a crap.

I walked in a ten to 9 and client said "Good your early we'll get started".

I said i would just like to use your toilet and went off to the bog which was at the very far end of the building.

I dropped my trolleys and as soon as i was sat i empied my guts big style.

Then my heart sank - that horrible felling as i realised there was no paper.

It was the cleanest barest toilet i had ever seen.

No towels . No bin . Nothing. Just 3 walls a door a toilet and a wash basin.

I decided that walking back up to the other end of the building with my pants around my ankles asking for toilet paper would not give a good impression.

Looked at my watch 8-55am. Think quick.

Decided had no option. Took off my shoes and socks.

Wiped with one sock and then rolled it up inside the other.

Stuffed the sockball into my pocket. Shoes back on and then did one of the most important meetings of my life (for 3 hours) with shitty socks in my pocket.

There is a field between buxton and manchester where to this day a pair of my socks are slowly bio-degrading.

Wasn't Hazel Grove was it , me and me mates played cricket with a found rolled up sock !!!!!

 

[Chillidog77]

This is a thread of true quality. Crying laughing.
A friend of mine a few years ago had been out on a proper session. Anyway, the morning after, he wakes up, goes to the loo, finishes off & goes back into the bedroom. He realises that in his still totally pissed state he`s "soiled" the bed, thinks "I`m not getting back in bed on that side", rolls his still asleep wife over to his side & gets in her side. Happy days? It`s all OK, obviously until his wife wakes up, she wakes up, goes to the loo, realises with horror what he`s done. All he can remember is her shouting at him being a dirty bastard and she`s finally leaving him. Anyway, he just lies there & blames the cat for having a dump in the bathroom (like you do), to which the reply is "the cats learnt to wipe it`s own fucking arse now has it?". He thinks "fuck, what have I actually done?, goes into the bathroom to find out he`s had a dump in the bidet, paperwork everywhere etc.<br /><br />-- Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:14 am --<br /><br />

Went to Bolton years ago, at the old ground, (Burnden Park) Seven of us in a Fiat Panda. We were all pissed up after a good morning on the drink at the Stoneys in Timperley. Car broke down on Barton bridge, but we got there eventually. Anyway, it was pissing down and we were in the open end. After 25 minutes of getting pissed on at a mind numbing match, I piped up I needed a piss. Lo and behold, all my mates went to the bog at the same time. Steve fucking Daley scored the only goal of the game while we were in the bog. Car fucked, piss wet through. Happy days.

Typical City! No thought for the fans....fancy scoring then!

Can't begin to imagine how many times i've missed goals due to trips to the khazi. Best has to be me brother tho who managed to see only one goal out of six scored in a 4-2 win.

Remember beating Brum City 6 - 0 at Maine Rd years back. My girlfriends brother only saw 2 of the goals.

 

[bluemoondays]

I was in the army, we were in the middle of nowhere on exercise in the middle of a wood in Germany. My mate decided he had to take a dump so he wandered off into the wood, looked around and dropped his keks.

He's straining away, forcing out his dump and grunting with the effort (so he told me!) when he heard a noise behind him. Looked over his shoulder and there was a crowd of about 15 german OAP's looking at him. They were hiking on this little path he hadn't seen in the undergrowth.

He said "Guten Tag", pulled up his pants and ran off - problem was he hadn't finished wiping so he had to clean up and wash his gear in a stream.

 

[Manchester la la la la]

Not football related.

A few years back, I was on a night out in Sheffield, but was staying at a travelodge. I'd got into a right state and had to be carried back to the hotel when the night finished, they had got me a kebab to 'fill my stomach up' though. My mates got me into my room and left me to crash out.

I wake up about 2 hours later, still pissed, but wondering where the fuck I am. Its still dark outside and I cant quite make anything out. Just a strip of light coming in from the landing outside.

I need a shit and the kebab I had was making me feel like shit, had the rumbles of the stomach, so in my pissed up wisdom I decide to go to the toilet.

Forgetting that most hotel rooms have thier own toilet, I stumble out to the landing in my boxers. Locking myself out of my room in the process. I think fuck, this isn't good. But the pain in my stomach had now begun to hit me arse, so I need a shit, bad.

I waddle off in the direction of where I'm hoping a toilet will be. It was one of them duck waddles, where you feel like you're farting with every walk you take. I'm trying to hold it in, but I know if I dont get to a toilet NOW, it'll be coming out

Cant find a fucking toilet on the landing, panicking, I'm running up the landing, by now my arse has reached bursting point. I hit the stairs, go down a flight and see what looks like a cleaners room. It will have to do.

I spy a mop bucket, and use it. No paper anywhere so I use my boxers when finished.

Problem one solved.


Problem two hit me.


I was locked out of my room, stark naked, in a cleaners cupboard room that stunk of shit. What the fuck do I do? If that sounds dodgy reading it, imagine what it would look like in person if someone came across me

I try to find something to cover my privates up. The only thing that looks remotely like it'd do the job is a bunch of jay cloths. I remember coming across a stapler too for some reason. So in my pissed up wisdom I decide to try and make a towel thing out of jay cloths by stapling different pieces together.

Manage to do that and sneak back upstairs and wake up my mate who was in the room opposite to go downstairs and ask for me to be let into my room. Job done, I clean myself up, pack up my stuff and promtly leave the hotel.

I tell my mates I'll meet them back in Manchester, so i walk the streets of Sheffield in the freezing cold for 3 hours before the first train back. Definately preferred that to the chance of being caught as the culprit

My mates still ask me to this day what the fuck happened, and I aint told them yet!! Would never live the pisstaking down!!