And now foreign news.
Abba Flee Sweden. Unfettered Terrorism blamed.
Reports just in that I am making up as I go along, have seen Abba enter the fray regarding the near civil war that Trump highlighted as rampaging house to house fighting in Muslim no go zones across the nation.
Bjorn, the smaller of the bearded guys, was last night at the critical stage of planning to float away on a pool inflatable and reach Scotland. He feared using the airports as it was "just a mater of time before every plane, bus, train or car will be highjacked and even cycles are vulnerable to sniper fire. I'm floating mate, covered in a blue shower curtain to avoid drone attacks from above". With that he left whistling sea shanty's and walking as if he was in a maritime musical. You know the kind of thing? Gilbert O Sullivan.
The rest of the band, not surprisingly, are set to follow suit and the blond one was seen yesterday with a turtle inflatable that "she will be able sit in and fix her makeup, a luxury lying flat just doesn't afford." She ended "There is no fucking way I'm staggering out of the North Sea looking like a bag of shite."
The brunette and the other guy with the funny shaped face, so far have, as far as we know, failed to purchase any flotation devices, but the smart money would be on them doing the same.
Excited abba fans in Dundee are mounting beach watch patrols in the hope of helping them ashore.
One fan, Danny 'Dancing' Queen excitedly proclaimed. "I think I can sum up the views of the entire North Tayside Abba Fan Club, office holders and members, when I say, this will be bigger than Christmas. I haven't slept a wink since I heard of the dreadful terrorism plaguing our hero's country through Mr Trump."
With tears streaming down his face and having to steady himself with an outstretched arm on a wall, he concluded.
"if they die,then we all do. I just pray to Jesus that he makes the seas calm and the floats float."
Even this hardened hack had eyes slightly wetter than normal.
Poor Sweden.
Poor cunts.
Can you hear the guns.....Fernando?