Fixer

[sweynforkbeard]

Sweyn is also a compulsive nonesenser! Yes nonsenser!

Take for example his post on this very thread -


The Goostrey Village Fair has been held on the first Sunday of May since 1960 - moved from the second Sunday in July as it clashed with the World Series Annual Guinea Pig and Cavies Show held in Bacup.

At the time the quality of Sweyns buns was called into question she was still Miss Cadwalader, and not as Sweyn claims, Mrs Trevarrick.

Miss Cadwalader did not marry Mr Trevarrick until the June of 1962 - a month after the aforementioned fair!


So Mr Forkbeard, what have you got to say about that you pathological liar? Eh?



Unless of course you simply got the year wrong in which case I apologise.

Or maybe I did and she got married in 1961 - can anyone confirm the year - should't be too hard - there's only one or two weddings a year in that parish and this was memorable as the bride should not, allegedly, have worn white if you know what I mean;-) The Entwistle-Cholmondelys gardners son I heard. He was a nice lad though, broad shoulders with a twinkle in his eye. How she must have felt cradled in those big strong arms, his fingers running through her hair, his soft lips pressing aginst hers and his............. anyway.

Admittedly it could have been 1862. However, I have never read such pernicious filth, is it for sale?

I could rustle up a quick short story if you made it worth my while. Can you be discrete? Discrete in a friendsof Louis Walsh sort of way?

Short story? I was thinking more of an 1,800 page trilogy rather like a cross between War and Peace and the Guinness Book of Records with lots of smut and nurses uniform action thrown in.

 

[LoveCity]

sweynforkbeard reminds me of Kruppe from the Malazan books. Anyone read them? :D

'Sad truth,' Kruppe said, his audience of none sighing in agreement, 'that a tendency towards verbal excess can so defeat the precision of meaning. That intent can be so well disguised in majestic plethora of nuance, of rhythm both serious and mocking, of this penchant for self-referential slyness, that the unwitting simply skip on past, imagining their time to be so precious, imagining themselves above all manner of conviction, save that of their own witty perfection. Sigh and sigh again.'

BTW, Has any mod ever done an IP match check on Fixer to see if he has an alt?

 

[daveduke67]

Short story? I was thinking more of an 1,800 page trilogy rather like a cross between War and Peace and the Guinness Book of Records with lots of smut and nurses uniform action thrown in.

Once up on a time in Moscow, Andrei who was a male nurse in the Russian Army, picked up his crisp white uniform from the Hospital stores. It was quite a large hospital but not as large as the West China hospital of Medical Sciences within Sichuan University which is recognised as the worlds largest hopsital. His new role was more sedantary than he was used to and consequently Andrei had put a bit on a bit of weight but he still wasn't as big as Jon Brower Minnoch (29 September 1941[1] – 10 September 1983), an American man who, at his peak weight, was the heaviest human being ever recorded, weighing approximately 1400 lb (634 kg, 100 stone).[2] This figure was only a close estimation, however, because his extreme size, poor health, and lack of mobility prevented use of a scale
His shift was due to start and he headed for the stairs that led to his ward. There was a lot of stairs to climb but the staircase wasn't as long as the service stairway for the Niesenbahn funicular railway near Spiez, Switzerland, with 11,674 steps and a height of 1669 m (5476 ft). Andrei's extra weight was beginning to take its toll - not toll as in Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, which was from 1969 the worlds longest toll bridge.
He was hoping that Valentina would be already there. She was beautiful, china white skin, silky black hair and her ample bosom strained the buttons on her crisp white blouse. Andrei was mesmorised by her assets which although were big, were not in the same league as 28-year-old Sheyla Hershey of Brazil who is the proud owner of the world's largest breasts -- with a staggering, life-threatening, and unfortunately-named bra size of 38KKK. How he longed for those buttons to pop off and release those huge fun bags, how he wanted to stick his head between them and go blubble blubble blubble...................


---------------------

That sort of stuff? If so I'm half way through page one so I reckon it'd be at least the new year before I finish all three books mate - that ok?

 

[Kinkyboots10]

Short story? I was thinking more of an 1,800 page trilogy rather like a cross between War and Peace and the Guinness Book of Records with lots of smut and nurses uniform action thrown in.

Once up on a time in Moscow, Andrei who was a male nurse in the Russian Army, picked up his crisp white uniform from the Hospital stores. It was quite a large hospital but not as large as the West China hospital of Medical Sciences within Sichuan University which is recognised as the worlds largest hopsital. His new role was more sedantary than he was used to and consequently Andrei had put a bit on a bit of weight but he still wasn't as big as Jon Brower Minnoch (29 September 1941[1] – 10 September 1983), an American man who, at his peak weight, was the heaviest human being ever recorded, weighing approximately 1400 lb (634 kg, 100 stone).[2] This figure was only a close estimation, however, because his extreme size, poor health, and lack of mobility prevented use of a scale
His shift was due to start and he headed for the stairs that led to his ward. There was a lot of stairs to climb but the staircase wasn't as long as the service stairway for the Niesenbahn funicular railway near Spiez, Switzerland, with 11,674 steps and a height of 1669 m (5476 ft). Andrei's extra weight was beginning to take its toll - not toll as in Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, which was from 1969 the worlds longest toll bridge.
He was hoping that Valentina would be already there. She was beautiful, china white skin, silky black hair and her ample bosom strained the buttons on her crisp white blouse. Andrei was mesmorised by her assets which although were big, were not in the same league as 28-year-old Sheyla Hershey of Brazil who is the proud owner of the world's largest breasts -- with a staggering, life-threatening, and unfortunately-named bra size of 38KKK. How he longed for those buttons to pop off and release those huge fun bags, how he wanted to stick his head between them and go blubble blubble blubble...................


---------------------

That sort of stuff? If so I'm half way through page one so I reckon it'd be at least the new year before I finish all three books mate - that ok?

I love you two lunatics. Never fail to make me smile.

 

[sweynforkbeard]

sweynforkbeard reminds me of Kruppe from the Malazan books. Anyone read them? :D

'Sad truth,' Kruppe said, his audience of none sighing in agreement, 'that a tendency towards verbal excess can so defeat the precision of meaning. That intent can be so well disguised in majestic plethora of nuance, of rhythm both serious and mocking, of this penchant for self-referential slyness, that the unwitting simply skip on past, imagining their time to be so precious, imagining themselves above all manner of conviction, save that of their own witty perfection. Sigh and sigh again.'

BTW, Has any mod ever done an IP match check on Fixer to see if he has an alt?

I think that is just about the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. There is an outside chance that I will remember you in my will.

-- Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:03 pm --

Short story? I was thinking more of an 1,800 page trilogy rather like a cross between War and Peace and the Guinness Book of Records with lots of smut and nurses uniform action thrown in.

Once up on a time in Moscow, Andrei who was a male nurse in the Russian Army, picked up his crisp white uniform from the Hospital stores. It was quite a large hospital but not as large as the West China hospital of Medical Sciences within Sichuan University which is recognised as the worlds largest hopsital. His new role was more sedantary than he was used to and consequently Andrei had put a bit on a bit of weight but he still wasn't as big as Jon Brower Minnoch (29 September 1941[1] – 10 September 1983), an American man who, at his peak weight, was the heaviest human being ever recorded, weighing approximately 1400 lb (634 kg, 100 stone).[2] This figure was only a close estimation, however, because his extreme size, poor health, and lack of mobility prevented use of a scale
His shift was due to start and he headed for the stairs that led to his ward. There was a lot of stairs to climb but the staircase wasn't as long as the service stairway for the Niesenbahn funicular railway near Spiez, Switzerland, with 11,674 steps and a height of 1669 m (5476 ft). Andrei's extra weight was beginning to take its toll - not toll as in Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, which was from 1969 the worlds longest toll bridge.
He was hoping that Valentina would be already there. She was beautiful, china white skin, silky black hair and her ample bosom strained the buttons on her crisp white blouse. Andrei was mesmorised by her assets which although were big, were not in the same league as 28-year-old Sheyla Hershey of Brazil who is the proud owner of the world's largest breasts -- with a staggering, life-threatening, and unfortunately-named bra size of 38KKK. How he longed for those buttons to pop off and release those huge fun bags, how he wanted to stick his head between them and go blubble blubble blubble...................


---------------------

That sort of stuff? If so I'm half way through page one so I reckon it'd be at least the new year before I finish all three books mate - that ok?

This is exactly the sort of thing, David. And educational too, what with all the civil engineering facts about the hospital, bridges, funicular railway stairs and the 38KKK bra. I have printed it off and am about to dig in for the evening in the east wing turret play room with your story excerpt, a tub of cream cheese, a fine leather saddle and 18 year old Gretchen the newest milkmaid.
6-1 then this - life is good.

 

[ConnorD110]

I remember the original thread was around February near the derby and then it all went quiet for around 3 months and then someone made a thread because he couldnt remember what Fixer was called and everything was circulating again. IIRC de niro offered to meet him or something...?

 

[daveduke67]

Short story? I was thinking more of an 1,800 page trilogy rather like a cross between War and Peace and the Guinness Book of Records with lots of smut and nurses uniform action thrown in.

Once up on a time in Moscow, Andrei who was a male nurse in the Russian Army, picked up his crisp white uniform from the Hospital stores. It was quite a large hospital but not as large as the West China hospital of Medical Sciences within Sichuan University which is recognised as the worlds largest hopsital. His new role was more sedantary than he was used to and consequently Andrei had put a bit on a bit of weight but he still wasn't as big as Jon Brower Minnoch (29 September 1941[1] – 10 September 1983), an American man who, at his peak weight, was the heaviest human being ever recorded, weighing approximately 1400 lb (634 kg, 100 stone).[2] This figure was only a close estimation, however, because his extreme size, poor health, and lack of mobility prevented use of a scale
His shift was due to start and he headed for the stairs that led to his ward. There was a lot of stairs to climb but the staircase wasn't as long as the service stairway for the Niesenbahn funicular railway near Spiez, Switzerland, with 11,674 steps and a height of 1669 m (5476 ft). Andrei's extra weight was beginning to take its toll - not toll as in Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, which was from 1969 the worlds longest toll bridge.
He was hoping that Valentina would be already there. She was beautiful, china white skin, silky black hair and her ample bosom strained the buttons on her crisp white blouse. Andrei was mesmorised by her assets which although were big, were not in the same league as 28-year-old Sheyla Hershey of Brazil who is the proud owner of the world's largest breasts -- with a staggering, life-threatening, and unfortunately-named bra size of 38KKK. How he longed for those buttons to pop off and release those huge fun bags, how he wanted to stick his head between them and go blubble blubble blubble...................


---------------------

That sort of stuff? If so I'm half way through page one so I reckon it'd be at least the new year before I finish all three books mate - that ok?

I love you two lunatics. Never fail to make me smile. But I think that you Dave Duke are by far the funniest poster, in fact person, I have ever had the pleasure to cross paths with. You wit and humour is a rare talent and you really deserve greater recognition.

Why thank you Kinkyboots, I was a little deflated after Sweyns earlier compliment and was feeling a little left out, but that has made me feel much better. I often get offers of cash and drugs via PM as recognition for my services to Bluemoon but, as I always reply, I only do it for fun and seek no reward.

 

[Cellarite]

after writing 21 articles so far for mr toma's daisy cutter, i've been pondering whether i should branch out. i believe i could deliver a fine line in this sort of smut. is there money to be made?

unfortunately, toma is quite backwards at coming forwards when it comes to payments. he's promised to buy me an easter egg if i reach 100 articles before good friday.

 

[JoeMercer'sWay]

does sweyn update wiki articles for a living?

 

[LongsightM13]

Sweyn IS Ignatius P Reilly from John Kennedy Toole's comic masterpiece A Confederacy Of Dunces. One of the funniest books of all time.
If you haven't read it (and you should, you'll piss yourself almost as much as Sunday), wiki it and say it ain't so.
Anyhow, his posts normally contain more truth and hard facts than anything Fixer contributed.