Friday jokes

[DTeacher]

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He visits his doctor and tries various medications but nothing seems to work. The doctor finally refers him to an American Indian ‘medicine man’.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, no problem..."

He throws a white powder into a flame, resulting in a flash with billowing blue smoke. He advises, "This is powerful healing BUT you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The old guy asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "You or your partner must say ''1,2,3,4'' and it will go down, BUT be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After that, he gets into bed, lies next to his wife in eager anticipation and slowly says…….

"1, 2, 3."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, exactly as the medicine man had promised! His wife, who has been facing away from him, turns over and asks………..


‘What did you say 1,2,3 for?’

 

[Modelflyer99]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this . . . first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing'.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

*

*

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[Vienna70]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

Neither of them had anything to wipe with so one thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said. . . . .

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

 

[MCC]

My friend asked me if I wanted to enter a charity race. At first I said no but when he said it was for spastics and blind people I said, "Yeah, fuck it. I could win that."

 

[Joycee Banercheck]

What does the average newsagent weigh?

Midget Gems and Bon Bons

Paddy stops in Dublin to ask the best way to Cork
"Are you walking or driving?", asks Murphy.
"I'm driving so I am to be sure so I said, so I am to be sure so I was. So I said. So I am", says Paddy
"Well", says Murphy, "That's the best way."<br /><br />-- Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:25 am --<br /><br />The missus walked in on me having sex with an optical illusion. I said "It's not what it looks like".


I've been growing tomatoes in me patch of land. I went to inspect them on Monday and someone had covered all my work with soil. Went bac k the next day and there was more soil on top. The plot thickens...

 

[ibennett63]

Gay man walks into a pub and sits at the bar and starts talking to this scouse bloke sat next to him ...After a few drinks he leans over and whispeers in the scouses ear...
The scouse jumps up drags him outside and kicks the shit out of him then calmly walks back into the pub... The barman asks what happened there... scouse replies I didnt quite make it all out but cheeky bastard said something about him giving me a job..

Good one.

 

[allan harper]

saturday joke


I ordered a Chinese takeaway, when the chink came to the door
i said " how much do i owe you" he said " twenty pounds"
so i said to him " whats the name of Jordans monged up son ?"
He said "halfey Plice". so i said " Great heres a tenner now fuck off !!"

 

[paphos-mcfc]

Frank and Eileen are walking home late one night and Eileen says "Frank I'm just going behind this bush for a piss, keep watch"

As there is not a sole around anyway, and feeling quite rampant he goes to the bush, crouches down and put's his hand through hoping to tweak captain Caveman's nose. Unfortunately, he grabs something dangling between Eileen's legs.

In shock, he pulls his hand out and whispers to Eileen "Eileen, have you changed your sex???"

"No" replies Eileen, "I've changed my mind, i'm having a shit!"

 

[nosher78]

woman in a taxi lifts her skirt & says to the driver 'can i pay you with this?'
cabbie looks at her fanny & says 'fuck me luv havn't u got anything smaller?<br /><br />-- Sat Apr 03, 2010 3:07 pm --<br /><br />i bought a racehorse today! i've decided to call him "My Face" I dont care i he dosen't win a race or makes me any money I just want to hear thousands of those fucking posh tarts at Ascot shouting "Come On My Face!